the other day

I wasnt going to blog about this but its on my mind, I guess because my son keeps talking about it and its really sad but I am going to make the story short because I have to wrap presents and its 12:15am. The boys and I were driving home the other day from shopping and as I was pulling up a street I notice two men standing there and from a distance it looked like they were playing or something as i got closer I noticed they were fighting. Now I am very nosey but I had the twins in the car so i wanted to turn around but was unable to so I pull closer and there is a man beating another man in the head with a bat. I don't live in the bad neighbor hood at all so this was so weird for me plus I have never seen anything like this, i called the cops and the man was getting up off the ground and his head was bleeding so bad. I didnt see the man who did it to him but just the whole situation was horrible and now my son is fixated on it. My son (one of the twins) has seen too much already and now this..was just too much. I spent tonight laying in his bed with him, conforting him, telling him over and over again mommy is safe yet he has seen mommy hurt before. I will ask God tonight for the strength to get through all obstacles we are faced with. Until next time.....

I want so much more than what you can offer

I was on twitter just now and I was talking about how I pre-planned this blog and I normally just blog but this one I wanted to talk about because so many people go through this so here goes: In life you can enter into relationships or friendships and there are times when you have to ask yourself, "Is this the best I can do?" now I know most people only think like that in relationships but friendships too. I know when I was younger I went through different friends because I felt like they werent healthy for me and so I made changes, now there are some I wouldnt change but others I let go of. Now that I am older I don't really base my life on friends, I mean its nice to have someone to talk to and hang out with time from time but I have to say I have messed up friendships with sex so me being without one is ok (right now) Now let me move on to relationships. When you first meet someone sometimes they put their best foot forward sometimes there best foot is some bullshit, so you know from the door what youre getting into. Now the ones that come in showing us someone that they arent we are kinda fooled into it but someone can only hide themselves for so long. I know as women we want the best for our mate, we want to see them for the best person they can be, no matter how horrible of a person they may be we are in hopes for all the better....yet...we end up disappointed. There are very few people in this world who are willing to do a full 360 and change their full person to please another and really one shouldnt have to. Take me for instance, I am a very stern person, I like things my way, I'm very unemotional at times, very distant and non caring but I have my aww moments too. Someone like me isnt going to change because I don't see anything wrong with the way i am so its truly take it or leave it. Now if I am with someone and I don't like who they are then I will let it be known and sit and watch to see either their progression or digression. After a certain amount of time, if I have had to endure the same shit repeatedly then I need to sit down and do some pros and cons (lol@Tan) and once that is complete I will come up with a decision. Now doing this isnt easy because I will always be losing out on something but i have to see how valuable that something is to me, and if its something I can do without. I sm going through some weird feelings about a couple of things tonight and its weird they all apply to this blog yet they arent all based on the same person and thats what I meant in the begining it could be a friendship or a relationship. To end this I have to say Love isnt always enough it takes love, and RESPECT...if I respect you I don't do the things you dislike and if you love me you wont do the things I dislike and if we continue to do those things, then we have shown how we truly feel. Ok its getting late today is the last day of these stupid cough meds so imma hit the sack early and be up and running again tomorrow.
Until next time....oh yeah stay tuned...my website is in the works....

thats it

Life showed me something today. I am a strong stern person but even the strongest man can be broken. I have been going through some things and thinking on some other things and today everything hit the fan for me. I have a habit of allowing things to happen that I don't agree with just because I know in the end it will be worth it, but worth it at who's expense. Today I was hurting, today I cried uncontroably and that's not something I do often. There is a reason I don't cry and this is a reason why changes have to be made. People can blame others for their short comings but when you continue to beat someone down until they can't be around you then its time for me to walk away. No one deserves to be hurt even if they aren't the best person in the world. I have done my shit but I'm still human and deserve love and respect and if you can't give me that then respect the fact I want nothing to do with you. There are some people who have come through my path that have been bothered by my ways in some form and at the end of the day can say "hey neeve that was some bullshit but I love u" (u know who u are) and there are others who feel the need to remind me everyday how fucked up I am. I need to say this I did bad things hell I still do but I'm in a place where I don't need someone bringing me to where I was a few hours ago. If you can't just simply love me I would rather walk away. Tonight I'm sad, hurt, and want nothing more than to just go to sleep...wishing someone would just understand to love me is to forgive me, and to care for me is to let the past go or simply respect me enough for us to walk away peacefully. I can't continue to deal..there is too much going on. My therapist is going to be so mad at this one. Lesson learned..again

OH SHIT BITCH

Ok so I am sitting here on my computer and I just got an email from an unexpected person....I havent read it yet, its kinda long so I gotta prepare myself..I will check back in with the results...no there will be no direct comments or name dropping but I will express emotions.

Cheaters never win....or do they?

I keep saying I wanted to blog because I have a few things on my mind but some things because I deal with certain people I was gonna be easy but now I am like fuck it man. the one thing about me is I have had very dysfunctional relationships with women and that causes me to ask myself whats wrong with me, I have come to the conclusion its nothing really wrong with them I deal with kinda average chicks so umm what the hell is the problem. I have been thinking about my last couple of girls and I am only thinking of them because I can't say I am big on relationships just not my thing but three girls got me to a place where I wanted to call them my girl. As i am sitting here typing I am like do I wanna really do this blog.....YUP...so for those of my exes who read this blog dont get all offended and either go blog yourself or just be mad at me just know its NEEVE'S blog and I am going to talk about what I wanna talk about so here goes.

About 5 or so years ago I was with this girl imma call her BK and we did our thing she was like a booty call type chick because I only really let her take the train to my house when I wanted to fuck but she was good for giving me the go ahead when I wanted to do something so it came to a point where I wanted another child and she was way supportive gonna play daddi and everything I considered letting her be a girl I wanted to claim but she ended up leaving when I was pregnant. I didnt feel a way about it because I didnt really care for her anyway but while I was pregnant there was a girl imma call her TN who would chirp me (nextel) just to see how I was doing how she was a truck driver and always on the road so for her to always keep in touch and check on me and see if I needed anything was big. I mean she is a les and I am a preg les but yet she always wanted to know how I was even when I had the boys and she couldnt reach me she was worried and thats how she became someone I wanted to claim as my girl. With her things were fun and one thing was her and I cheated all the damn time and while we would get mad at the end of the day she was still my main girl. Time went on and my cheating became a problem for her and she had to break away but no matter what she always came back no matter if it was to help care for me or just simply sex we always found a way back to eachother, during one of our breakups I got interested in a girl imma call her RI and she was real real interesting really femme, mommy figure type chick had me going so I got with her and (in short) ended up cheating and she couldnt deal now with her I would keep going back to her and no matter how much she didnt want to she allowed me to now I got to a point where we were living together and yet I was still cheating and damn I was bugging with that one because I was dealing with TN, and BK was calling me (but nothing was going on with that) and then I was dealing with a girl imma call her CT and umm here is where it gets confusing: In the process of living and leading a family life with RI I was cheating and "caking" with TN and TN knew about RI but RI didnt know about TN. Now TN was somewhat ok with me and RI being together but honestly she was hopeful that I would one day leave and I led her on then I started dealing with CT. Now with CT I knew her from back in the day and honestly she was just supposed to be a fuck but we kept going and then TN found out about CT and because they HATE eachother for TN I had just went too far. So TN kept telling me she couldnt take it but I kept going and all things must come to an end. TN called RI and told her everything and then TN called CT and RI, RI also called CT and then choices had to be made. Everyone knew Neeve was cheating with three different women at the same time. I ended up walking away from RI because she was hurt like beyond hurt because it had been years of this and instead of me trying to fix the problem I walked away, then I cant lie me and TN started dealing again and then shit went sour because it was just too soon and CT was bugging about it and really me and TN I guess had just done too much damage to eachother, cause at the end of the day TN was still trying to help where she could and there were times where RI was helping also. Now all of this says what???? I have fucked up this year lol. I don't mean to laugh but really when I put it out there its crazy and there is so much I am not going to put here but those involved knows what really happened in every situation. My goal now is to make next year a different year, a year where I can end the year saying I only slept with one woman, had one relationship, and was committed. I can't say I am tired of the games cause i been doing it so long its nothing just at the end of the day its not right to hurt people in this way, to cause life changes in people, to cause people to hate me is just wrong and I have to add one more person in this wildness there was CTB (I am not gonna say why I call her that) but she was in it the whole entire time and she was down to regardless all I had to do with her is be honest, with her....I couldnt seem to be who I am, who I was, or who I was gonna be, I tried to show her I was someone I wasnt and I didnt have to because out of everyone else she wasnt my girl she was my...friend. Well I am hopeful about next year, shit I can't say I am leading myself right, at this point but gosh damnit I am going to get there....I miss the games, I miss the random sex but ...hey....gotta change sometime so imma pick Jan 5th cause thats when it all fell apart for me.

again remember to my exes...DONT GET MAD ABOUT THIS DAMN BLOG...im just expressing. I love yall *grin* ok now I am being funny but seriously everyone held a place in my heart and i appreciate everyone for what the did for me and mines you will never be forgotten.

Until next time.....

Change isnt always good.

I was considering not writing this blog but its 11:42 at night and shit its on my mind so why not. I was talking to a friend of mine today and we were talking about who I was 2 years ago and who I am now. I sitting here just thinking about how much has changed and not much in a good direction. Two years ago I was hard working loving mother of 4. Loved my job, made good money, did things went out, had so much fun. I valued life and all it had to offer, nothing could stop me then. I went from being a receptionist for an advertising to holding one of the top positions. I was also a very fun person to be around, was rarely sad about anything although I didnt have the best life anyone around me would never know. What happened to take me from that happened two years ago and I still can't seem to bounce back from it. I struggle with it everyday, I deal with the dreams, emotions, fear, I deal with it all. I cant find the strength to let it go, to know and believe it wont happen again. Even talking about too much will take me to a bad place. I have prayed on it but as I am sitting here now maybe I have to do what I feel is right. Just recently I got a job offer back in CT and I have considered it but at the same time I thought maybe thats not the move for me, maybe I shouldnt go back to where it happened but then I have to think I ran away, I ran away from it instead of staying and dealing with it. I remember a past friend of mine Katie worked so hard to get me to stay, she told me I cant run from it because I will never be ok like that, maybe she was right. I asked God to guide me, and while I am waiting for him to show me, allow me to see his path and not one I make on my own. If I truly get this job and a nice apartment then I will go, I will learn to heal from this. Everyone I talk to says to me "neeve its been two years you cant get over it yet" Let me explain in detail what I am going through. To have someone come into your home beat you like a man, fracture your nose and your jaw, have them have no care about their chldren being there, have them have no care in the world if you live or die, all they want to do is beat you until they are tired, to hear your daughter in the background yelling for them to stop, to have your 2 year old baby holding onto your leg the whole time. See unless you were me you could never understand what that did to me and my children, if youre not me you would say "its been 2 years get over it" if youre not me you wouldnt lose as much sleep as I do, you wouldnt lock your bedroom door at night, you wouldnt check every window in your house to make sure no one can come in. People always think they know what they would do if it happened to them but...I DIDNT it happened to me so I deal with it. I am tired of people telling me get over it, let it go, shit if I could dont you think I would......*sigh* well thats what was on my mind for the night...I have expressed it, now i will pray that I get stronger each day. Oh and I need to say something, I read an exes of mines blog and she said I deserved it (you know who you are) and I have to say out of all the wild fucked up things we have said to eachother I never expected that from her...some people just hate me I guess....no words for that one. Anyway I am going to get some sleep...until next time

Thin water

Hello blogger I am coming to you to just go over somethings that have crossed my mind. I am sitting here watching whats love gotta to with it and I love this movie. With the past I have had you would think this movie bothers me but really it doesn't because in the end everything goes the right way. I have to wonder is that how my life is going to be, in the end everything will go the right way. People stay in the wrong relationships for all the right reasons. Most stay because of the kids or because they love the person even tho the person isnt for them. You spend days and days trying to figure out why you stay and then days convincing yourself to leave. Making a decision to leave someone is a very hard one and harder when you feel like you will never be loved by someone like your current mate loves you. When youre in something and there is no love or no anything its much easier to leave then if the love is there yet the person just isnt healthy for you. I have personally done the relationship thing with a few people and it all ended yet for some reason we can still be friends today. I have had people do bad stuff to me and I have done bad stuff to others and everyone involved makes excuses for the other when really none of it had to happen. I am in a better place now that I can say when I am wrong and not make excuses. If I cheat, there is no excuse for it just as well if you cheat on me there is no excuse, same goes for putting your hands on someone, drunk, high...it doesnt matter when you feel the need to hit then you feel the need to leave. I was talking to Key and she was saying how she isnt willing to settle. Thats the biggest thing in life people have a problem with, call it picky call it selfish but we shouldnt have to settle we should have the right to go get exactly what we want from another person. I would hate for someone to be with me and feel like they are settling . I know what I want from my mate, I know what I desire, I know what I want to look forward to in the future, if the person I am with does not have the same goals in mind then our relationship will just be that, it will never been anything more like a true commitment. Well I am going to finish watching this movie....Until next time.................

Not Changing

Ok so once again I havent been writing. Its not because I don't have anything to write about its simply because there is so much going on I wouldnt even know where to start. Things are good in life right now, they arent perfect but I am far from complaining about anything. I am feeling happy and I love this feeling. I don't do much in my daily activities I just wake up take care of the kids and do my best to provide for them. Recently (because I am not working) I have had some possible job opportunities but they are in CT. I have had this battle before when I took a job in CT and it wasnt good for me but I am not going to go into that one because that isnt what brought me to the blog today. I am feeling a little off this Sunday so I am going to kinda express somethings without expressing everything.
I love being a mother, while it has its points where you want to kill yourself I truly love being Mommy to 4 children. There is never a time where I am alone, never a time where I question life, never a full day of sadness when they are happy. No matter what I am doing or how I am feeling their life still continues and that pushes my life along. I personally didnt have the best childhood but my mother did everything in her power to just make me smile. I am working on the same things for my children. Their life hasnt been half as hard as mine yet they have been through some things I wish I could change and am working on that change now. One thing I know about me is I know how to be a mom but I don't know much about being a girlfriend and that causes problems in some of my relationships. I will always stress the fact that my children are number 1, I am number 2, and she (whoever she is) is number 3. Its hard for women without children to understand this and yet they tell you they do when it comes down to it they truly don't. I feel like the only women who truly understand it are women who are always in relationships with women who have children. I have recently had to battle about the "what kind of mother I am" and this is a battle everyone stands to lose in because I am not changing how I am or who I am with my children for anyone, if I did, I would be less of a mother. If a person cant respect my decisions about things concerning my children then truly....fuck it. That may sound harsh but any parent out there who puts their mate before their children can go to hell. My children didnt ask for this life, I did, I chose to bring my children here in this fucked up world so I need to do everything in my power to make the best of it. I can't sit on the fucking phone hours and hours, I can't text all day, I can't be all up under you when they are here. The hardest thing for me is that when I tell women what kind of clingy parent I am they say "Oh thats great I respect that" its all bullshit when it comes down to you needing me and them needing me im always gonna pick them and thats where the battle comes in. Now i am never going to question what I should do or shouldnt do because I am always going to be a mother regardless of what you are going through but it does come to a point where you will be upset with me and I will tell you to kiss my ass and then you will be mad. I am tired of going through shit like this. I am tired of defending my parenting, I am tired of being told what I should do as a mom and how I should make time. When this happens I am at a FUCK YOU point in the relationship. I am really writing this blog for all the parents who attempt relationships. No one and I mean no one is more important than you children and if anyone ever wants to be before them, even just one time please please tell them to kiss your ass youre not changing anything and if they cant respect that then they dont need to be in your life. So this it for me right here....dont like way I parent, you need to excuse yourself from my life....NOW.

until next time.........

Unclear

Ok this isnt going to be a long one (at least I hope not) I have been sad every since 11:55 this morning and I have played things over and over in my head trying to figure out what it was. I have played with a few ideas yet nothing is making me feel better with this whole thing. I can't say I am in denial but I have to say this is weird to me. I honestly thought my period was coming on because I am so emotional and thats weird for me. Well as you all know Tyrone was here and he left today. I expected to cry when he left but I didnt expect to cry all damn day and thats what I have done, my agitation level is high and I am just uncomfortable. I didnt talk to him all day because after his flight he had a lot to do cause he has to work tomorrow and I had to go pick the kids up so we both were busy and just now I got a phone call from him and I feel better but still sad. Tyrone is a wonderful person, its rare you can stay connected to someone for almost 21 years we litterally became friends when I was 11 until now and I am 32. Time from time we would lose touch for a month or so but then we get right back to how we have always been. I always looked at him as family, so many nights looking to him for protection and comfort. Now as I am writing this blog I am seeing that I am sad because he is gone. I spent most of my life fightin men and now...he is the one man that makes me feel safe. I am not going to go off the deep end with this one but truly he showed me that I will be ok with help, I will be just fine. He is amazing to me, he has given me something amazing and thats unconditional friendship and I truly love him for that. I will miss him truly but I will always look to him as I have for the past 21 years. I will lay tonight wishing he was here to protect me from all the bad but at the same time I know I am ok and I will make it. I am playing with a few ideas right now but I will give it to God and say no more, God will always lead me in the right direction as long as I allow him to guide me. Ok I am going to cry and cry some more but at the end of the day I will be just fine.

Goodnight

Its all so clear to me now

So its about 8 something in the morning on Saturday and last night was fun and interesting. I am always one to blog about life and things that make me come to terms with who I am and something happened last night that I want to talk about. Its going to take me a while to get down to what the real thing that happened was but I am going to get there. So I have a hard time with life sometimes and I am working on so many things all at one time and it gets hard but it gets so much easier once I build an understanding of things that are going on with me now. Ok let me try to put it into terms that people can understand. I had a hard life growing up abuse of every kind and just shit that its still hard for me to deal with even today. I am an adult now but I would be a lie if I said what happened in my past doesnt still effect the things and choices I make today. I thought about a lot of things last night and this morning and thats why I am here now with this blog. Women in my position tend to seek out some sort of outlet when it comes to what they have been through and I think I had chosen mine but there are still somethings I dont understand, one came very clear to me. Last night I was talking to Tyrone he has been my friend since I was 11 we spent countless days together chilling, vibing and just building and understanding for eachother. The one thing that now we are adults we talked about how life has changed for us and yet how our mentals have stayed the same and no one seems to understand us as a person. I value him so much more now than I ever have. Me being a lesbian has changed my life in a few ways but not many the one thing I am always insecure about is how men approach lesbians because they always see us a threat, Tyrone is someone who has always understood me and respected me as a person. Last night I found out he sleeps for 2 hours a night, the reason why I picked this to talk about is being I too have suffered from the same thing for the same amount of time something happened in our lives to make us uncomfortalbe with sleeping and thats bad becuase your mind can run so much when youre awake your mind needs that time to rest. I can openly admit that I take medication to help me sleep and have been on meds for a very long time. I said that I wouldnt take meds this weekend because if he is up then I am going to be up with him. (now here is where I am being 100% honest regardless how people feel about it) We were sitting on the couch watching tv and we both were getting kind of tired so we went and got in the bed, he put his arm around me and held me and I went to sleep....we both woke up around the same time and smiled and went on about our morning. For me that makes so many things come clear to me, I remember when I was younger I would go over his house while he was sleeping climb in his bed and just sleep because unlike at my house I was safe there, there wasnt anyone to come to my door or my bed at 2 or 3 am, I could actually sleep through the night undisturbed, he would even get up and go to work and leave me sleeping. I now see that I find comfort in him because he is my protector, my rock. I love him more than I can even imgagine. When you find someone that you are whole with its an amazing feeling and right now I feel ok, I am not thinking about how horrible my father is, I am not thinking about what my father is doing right now, I am actually comfortable with talking about my mom without crying good or bad, he remembers my moms voice and that touches me. I am complete. Now for all the questionable people that will read this if you know me...then you know Tyrone is my brother (in heart) and God sent him here right now for a reason. I have to realize I can't change what has happened to me or what I am going through because of it but at the end of the day I will be ok, God will see me through, and when I feel like things arent going right he will send someone in my path to make things much more clear to me. This blog is for Ty I love you forever you have been amazing to me and I will never let you go again. Ok now imma go make him breakfast lmaoooooo he been waiting all morning lol.

My girlfriend

Ok I dont blog about my girl too much because really its not what my blogs are about but today I have to speak out. I have been in many relationships well thats a lie I have been in about 3 what I would call relationships. While I have slept with women there arent many women I would claim as my girl. No matter how long I may be fucking a certain someone that doesnt make her my girl. Now I am not saying I am all this and that and I dont claim girls I just don't see myself walking around saying "yea this my girl and oh this is my girl" thats not my style. Ok let me get back to the subject. So anyway me and my girl have been together for about 10 months now and its been rocky like really being our relationship started off as a lie its been hard. I was actually in a relationship with another women when I started dealing with my girl, and I also had something going on with another female at the time also needless to say I was doing way too much. I lost a lot in the process but today I am a better person because of it. I have learned a lot about how to treat people and what to do and not to do when you care about someone. I never really knew how to value someones worth and pay attention to all they put into me. I am taking the time to see what she is to me and what she means and what changes she has made for me. I'm not going to sit here and de-value my most recent ex and what she did for me and my kids but I can't focus on that now because that is truly my past (for more reasons than one) My current girlfriends name is Mo aka Morgen aka Djefsclusive. Let me take a min to talk about her and her changes and then what they mean to me. This woman is the very very very very young (lol) age os 23 and when I first met her she was 16 and I couldnt get down with her at that time but some how we crossed paths again and while she was still immature her sex was oommmggg and then the icing on the cake was when she read one of her english papers to me and I knew then she had an amazing amount of potential I just had to pull it out of her. She started this relationship off not working, mixing music and smoking weed. I am ok with the music but the not working and smoking is something I dont deal with. I myself am a non smoker (for reasons I will talk about later) and after many conversations she has stopped for the love of me, she also gave up her music so that she could stay home and take care of my children, she has now found a fulltime job so that I don't have to work because the last position I held was stressful on my body and mind. She has done some amazing things for me and mine and I cant continue to look past it. People have asked me what I see in her and I have to say she is amazing. She has chosen to give up a life of being young and messing around to truly being a family man, taking care of me and the kids in more ways than one. The most recent thing (as if she hasnt done enough ) was my GPS was stolen out of my car, and my cell phone too so today I get a phone call saying she got something for me and I thought it was a new earpeice for my phone and she sends me a pic of the Garmon GPS with the bluetooth like OMG I am too excited. She is truly the shit I appreciate her in so many ways. Now our relationship is far from perfect we are still working out the kinks but this relationship like no other is upfront. We are both aware that one day we may leave eachother but we ask for honesty and while its hard...and I am not the most honest person I am truly working on it because she is wiling to take my honesty and understand. I love her...I do and I wont deny that to anyone. She is my all........thank you baby aka Mo Mo aka Daddi. Ok I am done, imma go to bed with no one but her on my mind. Now ummm Mo dont make me read this in the near future and hate you lmao stay on ya shit man..you are doing great I am very proud of you. Muah.

Hey hey Hey now

Well I havent written in like...a week? lmao who knows. I havent had much to say these days just been taking some time to think things through and find out where I want to go with life these days. The good think about life and God is that you are given the opportunity to make changes as you see fit. Once life ends thats when you have no more choices so for now I will take advantage of all choices given in my life. My new thing I am happy about today is that my friend is coming up from out of town Friday til Monday. OMG first it was told to me they were coming but I was like nah cant be cause I thought I was going to see em in December but wow friday so soon I have so much to do to get ready and the kids father is gonna keep em so me and my friend can bond...wow...NO WORDS...im feeling so happy and i know this week is gonna go by fast im nervous cant lie but at the same time im feeling good..ok...its late i gotta shower and hit the bed..nii nii blogger.

Not much to say these days

So I think I have been kinda quiet about things because there isnt really much to talk about. Life is what it is these days. Things are still kinda strange and I think a lot but for the most part things are ok. I have to say its kinda weird living alone again....well alone without another adult. I have always lived with my children but once I moved to RI I have lived with another adult and this is the first time I am actually living alone. There are goods and bads to it and neither one of them outweighs the other it just is what it is. Like the one bad thing is that there is no one to talk to lol and anyone who knows me knows I am a talker. I talk to the kids all the time but there is no real adult conversation here so I go online and hit craigslist or facebook and see whats going on in the world lol. Um another thing is when you come home and no one is there you kinda look around to see if things have been moved...um maybe thats just me *shrug* I guess there are up sides and downsides to every situation depending on how you look at it. Right now I am sitting here watching tv with the boys waiting for food to be done and its quiet besides the cartoons on tv but mentally relaxing. Time will tell as far as where life leads me in the near future but for right now I am going to enjoy what there is to enjoy. Ok gotta go.....

Trick or Treat

Today was halloween and I have to say it was one of the nicer onces because they weather was really nice. I can't remember a halloween where the weather was nice and it didnt rain. Now I came down to just take the kids out but I somehow ended up with 3 extra children..now thats all together 7 children going trick or treating. I have to say at first I was a little pissed off because thats alot of children to watch but now it was all well worth it. We all had so much fun, everyone had a lot of candy and we all laughed so hard....I loved it. There is nothing more important than spending time with family.
My life is kinda....strange these days. I go through a lot of ups and downs where I am trying to figure out so much and I always feel like I can't think with a clear mind because there is always so much going on. I try my best but sometimes its just so hard. I feel like life is in the right direction and I love that feeling. Things are going on in my mind and in my heart that I am not sure of at this point but I will see how things play out before I actually decide how I truly feel about it. I don't want to make any quick decisions about things or emotions or thoughts I just want to see how things play out because lord knows I can go with how I feel and fuck my whole life up lmao. Anyway I have been having serious problems sleeping and its driving me crazy. I am on meds to help me sleep (no shame in that) yet they don't work past 4am so 4am every night I am wide awake and its driving me crazy I can't stand it....ok...im done with that convo for tonight the kids are sugar wired and I love it, now we are going to watch cartoons and see who falls asleep last...anyone who knows my children knows the baby "Bird" will be the last awake.

still sick

This is so weird I have had the same cold for a month now... the only thing my dr can come up with right now is steriods and thats something i am not messing with right now because I would be a bitch on that shit. Ok anyway I dont have much I really want to talk about I just wanted to share some words and go on to bed. Now that I am writing and this spacebar is sticking its pissing me off. Anyway I am blessed and in good spirits things arent perfect but I will keep praying on them and wish everyone else would too. some people wallow in it...and others let it go, imma let it go.

	Well i wanted to just express some thoughts as they have come to mind. Yesterday i felt low but at the same time hopefull and that is something i am thankful for. Life is stressful these days being out of work yet i keep looking for the positive in it all. Im doing my best at this point and i will keep pushing no matter what. I often think of giving up but to be honest i have no idea what giving up means besides killing yourself and my life isnt that bad. Its been just me and the boys for a while and its a good time for me to reconnect as mommy. I appreciate the time with them. i dont have many friends and im cool with that the people i do consider my friends are going through some things. Why is it that people complain when someone isnt there and when u try to be there they shut u out and when u stop trying they say ur not there for them? Well imma go take the boys to the store.

	I am up feeling all kinds of ways. I remember living in ct being home with kids and feeling like life was ok i mean i wasnt perfect but i was comfortable. Now i feel very uncomfortable who knew it would take almost two years or more for me to get back on track. With all the ups and downs of just today i have done my best not to feel sorry for myself or my situation instead before i fall alseep tonight i will pray to god that tomorrow is better and will make me stronger. The interview went well today i may have to do a second interview but thats cool its all worth it in the end. I am going to try to get some sleep i am feeling so low today a hug would be nice but then again i am laying here with my boys and i cant ask for more than that. I appreciate the people who are currently in my life. They are great....ok im sad im going to sleep.

Big day tomorrow

I will make sure i get on my knees and pray on this one. I hope all goes well tomorrow in all that I have to do. i am excited, nervous and blessed. ok...goodnight i will update tomorrow i hope good news

My Pride....

So I just spent 30 mins on the phone with a friend..associate...well I don't know what the hell to call her but yeah I was talking and I had to come here and express somethings. I was explaining to her in short where my life is right now and where it is headed. I think people spend time in life unhappy, going through life not truly experiencing posibilites of life and just going on with life as normal. My mother was one of those people. While i am sure she had some fun in her life she spent 90% of life unhappy wondering why she made the choices she did. Now I am 32 and I have to say good gosh I have made some stupid and fucked up choices but I have made them and learning from them. My friend seems to think I have the ability to numb my feelings a emotions and truly thats not the case. I don't pick and chose what emotions I can ignore and turn off just my mind does it for me. If I let everything break me I would have killed myself a long time ago. Now that might be a good thing but then at the same time I have hurt people and also missed out on the one emotion I am just now understanding and thats Love.

Its about 6:30 or so and I am in the process of cleaning the house and waiting for the twins to come home and I am cooking them chicken. I can't help but to keep wondering things, like my mind is racing in a million places. One place my mind wont wonder into is the past I am strictly looking at the present and thinking about what my next move is going to be. I was wondering about someone and wanting to know their every thought their every emotion but I have to step away from that, I have to let that one go because she is grown and she is going to do whats best in her life and I have to do the same. Right now my main focus is going back to work and decideing where I want to work, there are a few options out here and I will let God show me the way. Im in a good place right now, while the last couple of days have made me think about things, made me feel weird I wont drown myself with that. If someone can go to me and say...Yo what happened happened and thats it...who am I to say thats not it. lmao..I am sitting here laughing becuase for once...I feel used..and its making me laugh cause damn...thats wild..me...used??? lol anyway its owed...I got that. Anyway imma finish cooking they will be here at 7 then I gotta turn that mommy face on and continue with my day. Monday is going to be an exciting yet nervous day for me and I am happy about that. I will say more...on Monday. Oh and ummm QUE...u suck ass lmao ok im done.

Bad Habits

Its 1:20am and I am sitting here can't sleep, not wanting to go to sleep. Feeling so many different emotions that I can't even put into words. I have been trying to figure out how I feel and certain things but then I go into denial about it all. Tonight I tried my best to put myself in another place, tried my best to be the Neeve I once was so recently, yet my heart is involved. My heart is telling me things my mind doesnt want to believe. I want to just be who I was, that fucked up heartless bitch, that ego driven sex phene bitch women wanted to kill in my sleep. yet today i stand here heart hurting, feeling a level of pain I am not used to. Wanting to rewind time not even just rewind tonight but rewind months and months make me who I am now..but then. I should have been the woman I am now then, I should have known better. I am alone right now...feeling all these emotions alone and thats ok, i don't have a problem with being alone I have a problem of wondering how she feels, wondering where her mind is, wondering what I did wrong. I am not the me I once was, I am the me now, the me I am supposed to be but who knew I would be this me alone. I am listening to Maxwell and damn...this song is nice kinda off subject but at the same time right on point. "Bad Habits" Anyway I felt like writing something, not much just something guess when ur up this late weird things come to mind.

touch me in ways you never did

touch me in ways you never wanted to

make me feel you world,

make me understand your pain

hurt me even when i say stop

bring me pain, make me bleed

i will scream you name and you wont say a word

be a criminal in your master mind plan

let me be your victim

seduce me with your words and rape me with your mind

i dont deserve no pleasure all i deserve is pain

hurt me.make me scream,,,make me cry

dont soothe me, dont hold me once your done

wrap your hands around my thoat while you fucking me

stop me from breathing

only allow me to breathe breaths you feel i should take

choke me until my eyes close

I belong to you tonight, I am yours

Do what you want to me do, i am forever in your debt

take whats yours, take your anger out on me

make me think that i am the one you want

when i am the one that you hate

make me believe you desire me, fool me into falling into your plan

touch me, fuck me and leave, dont look back

dont call, dont text, ignore me

i am nothing, i am worthless, i am useless

i deserved this pain i feel

my thoat still feels your grip

my pussy still throbs from the pain it has endured

i will form tears tonight as i cry

Yet I will smile knowing you finally got your revenge.

Today was all over the place but thats my life

Today started yesterday I had a lot to do because I knew I had to go out of town so when that happens I have to clean up wash clothes because I hate going out of town and leaving something at home so I have to make sure I brought everything I wanted and needed. This morning I felt rushed but at the same time I had to take a seat on the couch and just relax for a min and realize rushing the day isnt going to change things its just going to make me forget something. I wasnt nervous about today just more like wanting to do it and see whats going to happen next. I am so focused it makes me smile just thinking about it. I have an amazing drive once I put it to use I can do anything and thats what I am doing. I am doing what I want to do, what needs to be done and trying not to stress too much just enjoying life good and bad. In the process I was with a friend and that friend saw her neighbor, now usually my friend takes the neighbors son to the bus stop everyday but she stopped becuase she noticed the mother was taking advantage of her kindness. So now me and my friend are riding up the street and the mother runs out and asks if we have seen the boy. Now I have never seen this child in my life but she is looking at me like I should know where he is. My friend explained she hadnt seen him yet he should have been home over an hour ago becuae thats when his bus comes. After this conversation the neighbor asks if we can take her down the hill to search for her child. Now where I am its raining and about 50 degrees but the thought of a mother missing her child is killing me, also the fact she waited an hour to find him. Anyway we go looking and we find nothing, I offer to call the local police station and she says ok but she doesnt want to talk because she is too shooken up. Now I am asking this woman who i dont know her sons name and age, I call the police and they tell me someone has him so we have to GPS where the child is...now this is wild. The child decided (at 9 years old) he wanted to go to his friends house then tell his friends mom he doesnt know how he got there, then told his friend he cant remember his mothers name so the mother called the police. OMG all of that for nothing, I wanted to kick his ass myself but the mother is going to handle that, we were thinking the worse of the situation because from what my friend tells me there are men seen in the area that are trying to take children...sad so sad. Now today there was also a little boy that almost everyone was watching on tv was said to be in a hot air balloon and once they got the balloon down he wasnt there so they thought he may have fell out,,,,, after hours of media coverage the boys was found hiding in the attic of his parents home. What the hell is wrong with these children. Why do they work so hard at being a pain in the ass lol. I am thankful for my children love them to death but man oh man I was kick they ass something serious if they pull stunts like that. Anyway I gotta run busy not...busy day tomorrow. Until next time..be safe.

Sex love and pain????

Ok so as yall know I am always listening to music and it makes me think of things or people then I come here and share. So today has been a really nice day last night was kinda weird could have went in many directions but Treece kept me focused...until she wanted to hit the casino lol. anyway today was nice and its still nice i am sitting here watching the boys watch tv about to make some dinner and looking forward to a nice week of working towards life accomplishments. this week will bring a lot of clarity for me and my situation, I am going to grind this thing out and make some drastic changes but well thought out changes. The past couple of months I have been just making moves but all in the same direction like walking in circles, steady walking but going no where. sometimes you have to sit still just to think and get your thoughts together. I know for me its hard to talk about my situation to people because its like admitting you were wrong, admitting you made a huge mistake and you cant change what you have done, you cant go back in time, and even your apology isnt going to change the situation. I have had times like that in my life, regret and emotions but now its harder than ever. I just want to call and say..I'm sorry, I love you, come back...but that wont change what has happened in the past, that wont make things right. I have to do this on my own, I have to first forgive myself for what I have done then maybe after time all can be forgiven. I cant sit and focus on that, I know she is happy with her life now, I know things are where she wants them to be and I am happy for her, now I have to work on me.

so now i have a serious ass headache damn man this shit is hurting lol yet I am playing Tank loud as hell on my headphones *shrug* Ok I think thats it for now I have spilled all my life to yall enough for now. Note for today is...instead of just living life and making mistakes, try learning from that mistake and do your best not to make it again, see I make them again and again but in different ways...until next time.

Love of my life

So I am in the process of cleaning up and starting the day so I had to put on some music while I was cleaning I forgot to put the computer on continuous play so it kept playing the same song over and over and this is a beautiful song. Now I am listening to something else but I figured there was a reason so I decided to post the lyrics.

Love of My Life Lyrics

Verse I
it's really over now she aint comin back I really don't know how things ever got this bad cause I [I said sorry way too much] [but this time sorry's aint enough] and now she's gone and it's only now that I realize how much she means to me cause I

Chorus I
I could loose a car even body parts still i'll live but still can't live without the love of my life

and everybody knows money comes and goes there's never enough but still aint much with out the love of my life

Verse II
I thought that I was right for tryina be the man I was hustlin to provide but I guess I didn't understand that [I thought I was makin a livin for us] [all the while I was just killin us] and that's why she's gone cause she's tired of fightin and I'm tryina find what I should do to get her back cause I

[Love of My Life Lyrics On http://www.elyricsworld.com/ ]

Chorus II
Bridge
cause right now [there aint nothin in this world] that matters [that matters more than my girl] so no matter what I [gotta make it right] cause she's been [since she been there for so] I aint myslef no [I aint me when I'm all alone] now I don't know if there's anything I can do but I gotta find my way back to her heart

[back to her heart, back to her heart, back to her heart, back to her heart]

I'm so sorry for everything I ever did but if you leave me now I don't think that I can handle it I don't deserve another but if you just give me one more i'll give you a better man

Well blogger Im back. Its about 2pm on thursday and this has been an
interesting week. I made a choice with my job it was a hard choice to
make but I made it and with Gods help everything is going to be ok. I
went to the casino the other night and actually won. I haven't been in a
long time so that was nice and I am glad I won cause that money is going
straight to bills. Lol people always get new money and say they will put
it on bills but don't shit not I. Lets see what else..ooohhhh yea im
watching spiderman and its actually good lol. I don't have much I wanna
express here somethings are better left unsaid. everyone remain blessed.

Hey world

Ok so today is one of those days where I am not doing anything but I'm feeling good about things. It happens to be my moms bday and I am blessed enough to be a in good mental place to deal with it in a good way. I miss her very much but I am not going to blog about that. This weekend has been nice its raining here but all in all its a peacefull weekend. I have a lot to do this upcoming week and I am looking forward to new things. I have decided to not look at blogs or pages of past people because really some people are meaningless to me and whats in the past needs to be left there its like once you throw out the trash you don't go get it you leave that shit in the garbarge, so I am leaving the trash where it belongs. In other news Kandi from House wives of atl was killed last night in a club he was working on and thats terrible. Life is so short too short to have ill feelings. Kandies mom on the show had a problem with him because he had 6 kids by like 4 different women and I have to say I had my feelings about it too but who can say why he wasnt with them and why it didnt work out and maybe he was a player at that time but maybe he found the right woman or maybe he was at a point in his life where he was ready to makes changes for himself. See people cant be judge by their past errors they may have made they really have to be taken for face vaule until they do something directly to you to prove who they are now. Some are ready for change and some are still climbing the latter. Its sad she lost him in that way and thats another sign that we all need to look at every day as our last and should not hold onto ill feelings about poeple. I personally realized if I can not hate my father, not hate the father of my children then there is nothing more anyone can do to me to make me hate them. I am a very forgiving person, yea imma be mad for a while but for the most part I have an open heart I guess thats the virgo in me I don't like to admit. So everyone have a blessed night. Kiss the ones you love and remember to whisper I love you, to the ones who arent with you at this present moment. I will make sure I say a prayer for you all who read and those who don't .......Im imma go play pacman with the kids we got a battle going on in here at 10:45pm lol

Well im driving home from work and my phone doesn't like this certain
highway so I can't talk but I can write lol. Anyway I was talking to
this girl Freaky (yes that's her nick name and no I didn't give it to
her lol) and she is in the service. She was telling me all her likes and
dislikes but she was saying she finally has a girlfriend and that's so
good cause she has been single for a year because of her career. I fully
understand why she made the career move but it was hard because she does
have a child and she is away a lot and her mom has her son and its sad.
The one thing she had me thinking on is the fact that her new girl has
kids and since her and the girl been dating the girl wants to bring the
kids to the army base. Freaky said she told her girl (just like this) I
DON'T SEE MY SON EVERYDAY WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL I LOOK LIKE SPENDIN
TIME WIT URS. Now she is from SC and her accent is sooo strong that shit
had me rolling but I understood where she was coming from. My children
usually go with their father for the summer and during that time ion
wanna be around no kids but mine.....so this blog is a shout out for
freaky. (Aka Cynthia...yup I put ya gov out there lol) but in her words.
If u don't see ya own damn kid everyday and u wit someone elses u a aint
shit momma..or yea that goes for daddies too. Ok gotta go phone ringing
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

Today

yes I am in a blogging mood its in between cleaning and doing stuff around the house. I was reading my horoscope just now.
Your key planet Mercury is very active as it turns direct in your sign. You might feel as if your whole world is spinning and you cannot quite grab on to any one piece of it. Instead of trying to keep up with the hectic pace, pick something simple to focus your attention on. Each time you become distracted, keep bringing your thoughts back to center. Thankfully, life will return to normal over the next few days.

That says a lot for me because my life has been very hectic these past few months. I have been battling the move and the job and other life events but all in all life always shows you where you should be. I have been paying a lot more attention to the signs of life and trying to maintain and non drama lifestyle. I don't do much really I go to work, go home, take care of the kids then back to work again. Now I don't claim to be a saint and I don't say that I do all the right things in life but lord knows I am trying. Sometimes things get the best of you, or people do but all in all I know where I want to be even if I am not there, I know there is where I should be. I had a nice convo with someone last night it truly put a smile on my face like....*grin* anyway it was nice and I appreciate times like that. There are people that read my blog that don't like what i have to say and really its not for those people to read. I am not going to give the negative any of my time. I am going to eat some lunch and watch Wow Wow Wuzzby with the boys man oh man its nice being home on a weekday but the workday begins again tomorrow and I am prepared for it.

Note to all who read that dont have my best interest at heart....Stop and think for a min in life we are given choices, chose wisely....I do or at least I try to.

OOOHHHH and to that someone I conversed with last night...*wink* yup uh huh lol. Ok yall imma go eat lunch.

Tmobile

Ok world I am actually home from work today because of well never mind all that so anyway I am home today cleaning up and doing stuff around the house and all of a sudden my phone rings. Now I am going to kind of share some personal stuff with yall my phone is....*cough* off right now because I owe tmobile $500 now the good thing about tmobile is that my calls are retricted and that means I can get incoming but can't make outgoing calls. Its horrible because I can't even text so yall know I am dying but all in all I was ok because I was like aww I will just pay it on friday. Now if you want to know why my bill is so high call my daughter and ask her why she talks to people who not are on her favs during the day...WHEN SHE IS IN A HOUSE WITH A HOUSE PHONE...anyway I solved that problem I uped my plan. so anyway I am sitting here about to go to the grocery store and my phone rings. I run to it because whoever it is I cant call back lol so I have to answer when they call me. Its tmobile (yes this is turning into a story lol) the nice lady gives me an offer I can not refuse. She tells me that at the end of October my bill is going to be $724.36 and my mouth drops but I am used to paying high bills she then says if I can pay $290 today she will give me a credit for the remaining..OOOMMMGGGGG like I am saving hundreds of dollars and she is on the phone thanking me for being a customer hell I am thanking her for calling me and giving me this offer. So now I don't even have a bill for october and she is offering me an upgrade on all my phones (I have two and my daughter has one) omg I feel so blessed. Yall just don't understand going from paying $500 this weekend to $2something I can do so much more this week for the house...seeing I am still here in RI. I feel so good and today I was feeling really low (hence why I am home) and I am still in a slump yet this little tid bit does make me feel nice.

Oh I also want to thank all my readers. I have decided to delete a certain blog about someone that was kinda mean because really its uncalled for.......I am looking into being a better person and not being so one sided and mean.

Ok I found something

I removed this blog cause I was just being mean....thats not the way to live life everyone is differnt and thats ok.....cant call the kettle black.

Much love to who this blog was about no hard feelings I hope

Bored...maybe

I have been online for about 20 mins or so and I am bored so I went looking for some news and couldnt find anything worth reading or maybe I am so focused on my own personal news I couldnt take the time to open my mind to anything else. Things for me have been really weird these past few days its like once I just let go of things everything seems to be coming more clear to me. I think I was hanging on to some feelings and or emotions that were useless to me. Its like wishing you could eat your favorite food but your allergic....why not just find another food you enjoy just as much...right? so thats what I am in the process of doing, instead of wishing this or that I will just find something that fits me and my life better so that way I still remain satified. Im watching scooby doo with baby Bird, now of course snoogie is here too but he isnt interested in the show he is actually sitting here talking me to death. Today was soooo long at work I got there around 6something and didnt get off until 6 so that truly wore me down and the system was down so instead of it being time off from work it was stressful because with the type of job I have now we have to stay until the work is done. I had a horrible headache but the ride home was ok. Well I am just going on about nothing because I am in the mood to talk but nothing i really want to talk about maybe tomorrow or the next day. Oh one good thing if the system isnt up I am off tomorrow so I can spend the day chilling. I need to go out this weekend and just remind myself I am not 89 years old....lets see how that goes. Good things are happening right before my eyes and like my therapist says. dont stress myself about what next be thankful for right now and right now....someone is showing they are more of a support than I thought. Ok I am done talking about nothing....until next time

Ok I had another thought. Have people lowered their standards? See this
is what I was thinking about just now again Que inspired. You're never
supposed to do worse than the last in any way. So im sitting here
thinking about the temporary girl and how she is not who I see myself
with but at the same time she served a purpose. I could never truly say
I was in love with that its a situation ya know. Anyway im against
certain things and they are things I don't do for many reasons. Like I
don't smoke anything at all and pride myself on that now how do I look
wifin anything less than that? Also I don't drink (anymore) again
wwhhyyyy would I want someone who does shit I don't do. Am I wrong? Hell
no if u do have standards ur just desperate to call someone ur girl. Im
not trying to be mean but I feel some anger all of a sudden. So I wanna
say to the girls who have adapted to others lifestyle that goes against
ur own. IS THE BITCH WORTH IT?... ok maybe that was harsh lol. Imma go
back to just driving and putting my mind elsewhere cause if I think
about certain people too much imma say some shit. I think these thoughts
are what I needed to just look at certain people and say....*shrug*
that's u.....ok im gone now long day ahead of me. My homegirl Trice is
about to put a new prospective on life for me today.
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

Its 5something in the morning and I am driving to work. I was watching
daddys girls last night and its a cute show I think I am falling in love
with the cousin she is sexy from her voice to her body and her ways wow.
Ok anyway at the end of the show run said something that made me smile.
He said when he is trying to make decisions about things he starts
beating himself over the head trying to figure out what to do and once
you stop beating yourself over the head things start to come to your
mind easier. I have been really going through it trying to decide where
I should be and where I want to be between CT and RI and its been a hard
battle because I do have someone to talk to about it and she was willing
to help there was only so much she could do from her end the weight
still was on my shoulders. The battle was hard hell it still is and last
night I had to let it all go. Anyway that's not even what I came to blog
about. so ............ I was online reading a friend of mines blog it
was about or tittle ex to the next or something (sorry Que I forgot the
name) and it was about how her ex has a girl and she can tell they are
happy and things are good with them and she is ok with her relationship
status but there are things she wants to ask her ex about the next in
comparison but she feels like her ex either won't answer or if she does
answer she won't be honest. I feel exactly where you are coming from
Que. I have an ex that I can tell is happy with her girl yet there are
things I wanna know. Like im confident and all but shit im a virgo so im
curious as hell. Like I know im fun and funny so I don't wanna know
who's funnier my question is more of the sexual type. Like everyones sex
is different but one thing I have never had someone tell me someone was
better was my oral skills. Yessss I wanna know if she is better than me.
That's just wrong right? Well fuck it I wanna know. I don't think I will
ask for the same reasons Que won't ask her ex but it does cross my mind
a lot *shrug* lol. Welp im not gonna say anymore I guess people are
where they want to be....time for me to let go and find my own path and
focus on that. Ok yall imma finish driving.
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

So im driving to work and usually for the hour and 45mins I either don't
listen to anything or I listen to various radio stations becasue going
from one state to another the stations can have horrible reception. So
this morning I decided to listen to my ipod andim feeling all kinds of
ways. I was ok when I woke up this morning but this music has put me in
another frame of mind. Im feeling sad right now. Missing someone is hard
when there is no way to fix it when so much has been done that there is
no turning back. I promise myself im not going to spend years of regret
and try to take it as lifes lessons but all in all it hurts bad. Im not
a jealous person at all I can be envious at times but it doesn't last
long but right now im feeling so much inside myself im close to tears
and there is only one person who can bring me there. I wish there was
something I could do something I could have changed. Im so not going to
allow myself to slip into something I don't know how to get out of but
damn im feeling it right now. I won't dwell on this I can't I have too
much going on but God knows I miss........her. Ok im so done here. I
hope my blog helps someone out there who doesn't appreciate the one who
truly loves you like no other and expects nothing else from you but ur
love in return.
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

I came to the realization that things aren't going to work. Like I did
my best but maybe I did my best for all the wrong reasons...maybe I was
looking for an outlet, maybe I wanted something someone else had, maybe
I just wanted to prove everyone wrong. Whatever the reason was its no
more. I am a different person today not because of my present but
because of my past. I learned the hard way what you don't do to the ones
you love, I learned the grass isn't greener on the other side, just the
brown spots are in the back yard. I am focused and determined. As always
in my life there are set backs but God and my mother made me strong
enough to continue on. I know my mom looks down on me giving me the
strength and the knowledge to continue doing what needs to be done for
the kids and myself. I hit times where I lose self esteem and feel low
but I pick myself up and keep going. Maybe I don't make all the right
choices but at least now I am taking the time to learn from them.
Happiness isn't something I have but its something I have to look
forward to. As long as I remain positive I won't give up because my
mother never gave up so why should I and her fight in life was much
harder than mine. Im no longer the chatter bug anymore, my phone doesn't
ring, no textes, no nothing and I am content with that. My dream is to
just be stable and happy, wife and kids, maybe a puppy or a bird,
vacations once a year. School shopping and babysitters so me and my wife
can go out for dinner. That's not much to ask for and that's how I know
I will have it. Im not looking for a mate right now when the time is
right God will place her in my life, right now its the kids, then me. Im
ok with that. Feeling a little sad today but as always I will be
alright.
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So im driving to work this morning mind heavy as hell and I guess one of
the boys put my ipod on repeat when I realized I had been listening to
the same song for an hour I smiled because my boys r bad lol, also I
love this song and it has a lot of meaning behind and that makes my mind
even more heavy but the weight will lift itself at some point. Here goes
the song
Damn baby
Just don't understand where we went wrong
I gave you my heart
I gave you my soul
I gave you...
As a matter of fact I was the one who said I love you first
It was about eight years ago, don't act like you don't know
We were sittin' at home in your mama's livin' room
Cause, we couldn't be alone
See your mama knew I was something else, she knew how I felt
Back then we were in school; and that's your favourite excuse
Growin' up I was a fool; and I can't lie I'm missing you
Listen and don't trip
I think I need a bottle with a genie in it
Here's my wish list
First one, I would create a heart changing love
Second one, I'll take yours and fill it all the way up
Third one, but I don't need a lot of wishes cause I'll be okay if I get
one
If I had one wish, we would be best friends
Love would never end, it would just begin
If I had one wish, you would be my boo
Promise to love you, trust me I'll trust you
If I had one wish, we would run away
Making love all day, have us a baby
If I had one wish, I'd make you my whole life
And you'd be my wife, make it right this time
If I had one wish
One wish, one wish, one wish
One wish, one wish, one wish
One wish, one wish, one wish
One wish, one wish, one wish
Now tell me is this the only way I can get you right back in
If so then searchin' I'll go, then I can have you for sho
Then you'll be loving me, holding me, kissing me
So girl don't tell me what I'm feeling is make believe
I swear if I lose a second chance with you
I wouldn't know what to do
I'd probably check myself into some kind of clinic
I couldn't be alone because without you I'm sick
Here's my wish list
First one, I would create a heart changing love
Second one, I'll take yours and fill it all the way up
Third one, but I don't need a lot of wishes cause I'll be okay if I get
one
If I had one wish, we would be best friends
Love would never end, it would just begin
If I had one wish, you would be my boo
Promise to love you, trust me I'll trust you
If I had one wish, we would run away
Making love all day, have us a baby
If I had one wish, I'd make you my whole life
And you'd be my wife, make it right this time
If I had one wish
I don't even know how we ended upon this road
And, even though we are grown, Girl I just want you to know
If I had one wish, we would be best friends
Love would never end, it would just begin
If I had one wish, you would be my boo
Promise to love you, trust me I'll trust you
If I had one wish, we would run away
Making love all day, have us a baby
If I had one wish, I'd make you my whole life
And you'd be my wife, make it right this time
--
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So im driving to work its 6am I have about 40 more mins on the road and
I been listening to neyo ad floetry and something keeps entering into my
mind. I am leaving rhode island next week and I won't be returning, its
kinda weird becakse I have been a park of rhode island even if it was
just visiting for the past 4 or more years so this is kinda strange. Im
wondering if I need closure. I just texted my cousin and she is funny
cause normally she would have said hell nah lol but she said maybe so.
Again this is something I will watch for. If and when I see the sign I
will, if I don't then that's not something im supposed to do. I feel
humble right now. *truth time* sometime you just have to be honest with
yourself despite what others may think of you. Your heart never lies, it
may be hard to face it but reality is someone people are just mean to be
together even though it kills u its the truth. Oh im doing 80 on the
highway maybe I shouldn't bo blogging at the same time lol. I guess I
live on the edge. Exscuse the typos don't have time to spell check
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God always shows you the way

So I'm not the type of person to act like things are all great when they arent. yes life can have its ups and downs but you can go through times when you don't see a way out when you feel stuck and compelled with what you are faced with. I was in that situation for a few weeks now and it was really getting to me, physically and mentally and for whatever reason I couldnt get out. I even had to not see my therapist because my job hours are crazy but she was able to do some phone time. I was at a point of driving and hour and 45 mins to work everyday having to park 20 mins from the job because parking is so expensive and mind you I am in a new place that I know nothing about. The city I now work in is a big city and a lot goes on down there but when you take someone who knows nothing about it that can be kinda scary. I am not going to go too into detail about everything just simply because I dont have time but last week I had to give it to God. I could no longer fight the battle alone or attempt to figure anything out, I was thinking of even quitting my job and anyone who knows me knows I don't quit jobs. I was at the end of the road and I simply said "God is this is what you want for me then please make a way" the next day he made a way. He sent a new friend in my path that has helped me in amazing ways in just a week. She has helped me find a closer park, programs and also an apartment. Its so weird how we met but regardless she is amazing. I am moving next weekend and I am so thankful for that. This blog is mainly to say God is here, even when we don't think he is, he truly is and never ever deny his power and his love. while things are always perfect in our eyes, we will get through it. Ok I wanted to touch on some other stuff but I will do that in my next blog its 5am and I have to head out for work. To all who read this thanks for taking the time to be interested in my words. Everyone have a blessed day.

PAIN
SADNESS
TEARS
STUCK
COMPELED
RESTRICTED
HELD
FEAR
STRANGE
BEYOND
COLD
DISTANT
STRONG
CONFIDENT
LOVE
FORGIVENESS
FOR EVERY 12 WEAKNESSES THERE ARE 4 STRENGTHS THAT OVERPOWER
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Man I have been wanting to write a blog but truly haven't had the time.
With working 10 to 11 hours on the new job and the kids I truly am tired
like my body has never been so tired. And to add to all of that I start
school next week yeah its a lot but it will be worth it in Jan. I am
looking forward to a new year with new opportunities. Life changes
everyday we can either watch it or be a part of it. Oohhh um yeah that's
it for now so everyone remain blessed and thanks for the birthday wishes
they were well needed. wait I can't leave without talking about the Tyra
Banks show today. It was about cheating mates...should u leave or should
u stay. There was this girl on there who kept cheating on her boyfriend
like over and over again yet she wanted to stay with him....long story
short he battled with if he should stay. Then there was a gay couple and
the guy said he loved his boyfriend but just went through a wild time of
cheating but he still loved him and the boyfriend who had been cheated
on said he still loved him yet its going to take time for him to get
over it. This story was amazing to see how everyone deals with lifes
situations. I myself understand where they are coming from and all I can
say is your minds speaks loud but your heart yells. Ok all goodnight its
already 10:23 and I gotta be up at 4...yea imma be dragging lol.
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Today will be a wonderful day

I have a few things going on right now that are on my mind in some way shape or form. I have chosen to distant myself from a lot of things and people these days because if they don't promote anything positive in my life then there is no need for them to harbor any type of space in my life. I am going through some changes as far as going back to CT and starting the new job Monday. Its a great thing and I am prepared for things to get harder before they get easier but I know I am truly on the right path. I have been praying a lot, praying for change and positive things to come to me and my children and that has been happening. This year has been hard just like the past two years but its all coming back together for me. Omg I am turning 32 on Wednesday and I remember when I was turning 30 I was truly going through it like feeling so old and not wanting to age, but now its ok because with age come maturity and knowledge of what shouldnt be done in life. I can say I still do somethings that arent on the great path but once I realize whats being done i am able to stop. I am thankful for all I have and all I don't because whatever I don't have I will have if I work hard. School starts in a week and boy oh boy thats just what I need, I will be done in November and at that point I may make another career change, I hope it will be within the same company but if not it will be something good.
Now I want to take this time to talk about a friend of mine. Its a friend that plays a big, but silent part of my life. She has been there in times of need and times of wants, she has been there for me since I was pregnant with my twins and she has never left, No matter how many times I wont answer my phone or respond to a text or not show up when I am supposed to hang with her. Regardless of all that she remains a part of me. I am wondering if she stays because of her love for me or because she is just like me...whatever her reason is she still is here. I have to say I need her a lot, I know she doesnt need me as much as I need her but she still provides for me. I often wonder why are paths continue to cross I mean she is in and out of relationships and I am too yet no matter how much our mates may not like us dealing we continue to keep it close. Its not even a sexual thing its something much more, something deeper, something I can't seem to get away from. She is what I can consider an amazing friend, more of a friend then anyone else I know and its weird because I never expected that from her. Friends remain by your side even when they dont agree with what you are doing or who you are doing it with because they have faith in you to know you well enough to know its something that will soon pass once you are in a better place mentally. She is someone I can consider a best friend its kinda weird tho considering our past. Now I do get mad at her don't get me wrong our relatiionship isnt perfect she can piss me the fuck off like right now, I havent sent her several emails and imz asking her a question and she has responded then all of a sudden this morning I get a text saying "Looking for me?" she be on that bullshit sometimes but thats my heart right there....yeah...she got me. Now all yall bias readers don't get me wrong it is what it is right now, her and I have an understanding of eachother and where we don't want to go for many reasons but all in all I have to honestly say...I love her..*shrug* I have learned the hard way never deny your love for someone. I am learning more and more about love this year, I am learning what to do and what not to do, I am learning that if you truly love someone you keep them close you don't push them away when they hurt you, you try to build an understanding for them and why they do what they do and you help them no matter how hard it may be, not matter how they may disappoint you, just help them and you will see your effort come back 10 times. Ok well she just sent me an IM...imma go check my email then start getting ready for tomorrow. See yall lata

I haven't had much time to blog due to moving and changing jobs also my
little people are back home but im feeling so blessed. Life isn't
perfect but im doing all the right things. Oh and my number is back to
what it was. Someone said to me "don't run from them, make them aware
you want nothing to do with them" she was so right I shouldn't have to
change my number to get the unwanted people to stop calling and its
weird because I just got an unknown call...now that's so immature. If u
wanted to know if my number is the same then ask me smfh some people
never grow the hell up. Anyway im hitting the bed...for all u moms out
there im sure yall feel me when I say "a true mothers job is never done"
nii nii
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Clarity

I have to much to talk about not a lot to say just some things I want to express so I am going to try to knock them down one by one. First let me say Fios is amazing the things you can do with this tv are just crazy and I am so not even going to start but wow this was a good change for me and I don't even like TV like that but its still cool. Also the internet speed is wwooowwww. Ok now on to my horoscope (that i got from Fios tv) You probably look a lot busier than you actually are these days with active Mars in your public 10th House. But beneath your whirlwind of running around, there is real progress taking place on a mental level, out of sight from those around you. Even if you want to give up, recognize that this is not the end; rather this stopping point is a chance for you to see what's not working in your life and start fixing what's broken. This was so true for today. It was one of those busy yet busy doing nothing days. There are times like this in my life when I feel like so much needs to be done but there isnt anything to do so I spend the day thinking about what can be done tomorrow so that I can complete all tasks at hand. My main goal for today was just getting past the day I think i did like one or two blogs today because my thoughts are moving so fast yet the day is going slow. All I wanted to do was go to therapy and talk to Kim about me moving back to CT and get her feel of things because now its really happening. Her and I came up with an amazing plan but at the same time I had to deal with major issues of why I left and why its going to be so hard to go back. I have to say I am not jumping for joy on this one because I have to face a million fears alone. I have to fight this battle by myself and this may be the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I am prepared for whatever happens. I am stronger now than ever and sometimes it doesnt feel that way because I am going through break downs and fall outs that I have never felt but now I am able to say i can finally feel, nothing is numb anymore I have true feelings and emotions. Kim brought up the subject of bringing closure to RI.....and I had to say really there is nothing to close. I thought about the people I knew here and how things have turned out and I have to walk away. Everyone has motive and if ever you hurt me thats ok but if ever your motive was to hurt me, I can't come back from that. Speaking of that Kim made me feel so good today she made me see something I didnt see before. See for those of you who are keeping up with the blog you know I have a deep problem with my father he is a mean man and I have tried to allow him to be a prart of my life, and how I am trying to do what my mother wanted and thats for me and him to have a relationship. The thing Kim said that i never thought about is that my mom is in heaven and being in heaven brings clarity to people. She said she feels as though my mom is able to see my father for who he is and wants me to be happy and wants me to live in the way she was never able to, she (with a clear mind) wouldnt want me to hurt over him and allow him to abuse me in the way he abused her. She is looking down on me proud to know I did my best, I put my best foot forward and now I have to walk away, not walking away with hate in my blood just more love for myself than for him and thats something she wasnt able to do while she was here on earth. I will now live as she would, is she had the support system I now have. Ok its 11:30 I have 3 more days of work then I'm off. God bless everyone who reads this even those of you who have ill feelings towards me. One thing you should know is holding grudges does no one any good. Let it go and move on...its not easy I know but WE all have to heal one day and allow ourselves to love once again. I am going to sleep...nii nii.

bored at work

So I am sitting at work now with so many thoughts running through my mind. Today is August 17th and so much has gone on this year alone to just make me reflect on things. The one thing I haven’t been able to do for some reason or another is change my phone number. I have found every excuse in the world as to why I shouldn’t change it but at this point I had to. I no longer want to deal with certain people that were a part of my life in the past and for that reason I have changed 2 cell numbers and my home number. Its weird because I felt like I would miss out on something, maybe someone would try to contact me that I wanted to talk to and couldn’t but really....if I haven’t talked to you in the past 2 days then that means I don't need to talk to you. I was also concerned with my father and someone getting on contact with me about him but everyone knows how to get to my grandmother and she knows how to get me so really I had to walk away from that number. I am glad I didn’t change my area code lol cause now I'm going back to CT. Ok what else is on my mind??? I have therapy today and omg my therapist is the best she is so supportive in everything positive I do. She keeps me up when others try to keep me down. The journey ahead will be long but well worth it. Class starts in 3 weeks so now the new job, new school, new apartment geesh...but I thank God for all his blessings, all of them. There was a time when I questioned my worth, questioned my point here on earth, wondered if I was going in the right direction, wondering if I was taking life serious. I now see I am focused and determined to do what needs to be done not only for me but for the 4 little ones. Ok I am going to get back to work now..OOMMMGGGG I am so not feeling Americas Best Dance Crew I thought this season would be better than the last. The best part of this show is the Vougers wow they are an all gay dance crew and one is a trans. Now that right there is amazing and I love them. I taped it last night because I was watching True blood but I will watch it when I get home from work. I am also feeling all of puffys shows this season. Ok I am done..work is slow so im kinda just blah blah blahing right now

Determination = success

Well I haven't written in a little while only because I have been busy and deep in thought at times. I am actually sitting here at 6:16am Monday morning getting ready for work and watching TV. I woke up early enough to kind of relax before I go to work so that's a cool thing. Recently I was thinking about moving back to CT but I am not the type to move without a job and also a reason. Since I moved to RI I have wanted to move back to CT yet things that happened there caused me to not want to move back but really nothing is going on here in RI for me. Nothing good is coming of being here, so I made up my mind I wanted to move. Thank God the place that I work has relocation all over the US it was just a point of getting the job. This job is very different from anything I have done in my life. I had to take 2 different test and go through in interview process. While I was waiting for the word on if I had to job or not this is what my horoscope said
"It's tough to make a job-related decision today, for when you get to the fork in the road, you want to travel both paths. Yet even if you put off your final judgment for a few days, you know that you cannot avoid the act of deciding what your future is going to be like. The choice is ultimately yours, so take your time and consider all the options before making any long-term commitment" That was just what I needed then finally the hiring manager called me and offered me the position I was so happy. I was happy for many reasons but one being I did it, I was determined to do what I saw I wanted and it was done right. I am now in the process of packing and getting ready to move. I start in two weeks so that's not a lot of time but just enough time to do what I need to do to get out of RI. This place just was never meant for me, so I am able to move on and be happy. OK I am going to go ahead and get ready for work, stay tuned.

Going to CT today its the day where all questions will be
answered.........
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Its almost time to go back in to work (I am on lunch) and things just
hit my mind like...wow its already august of 2009 the year is almost
over and I can't believe im about to relocate but I have to say the
benefit to this move is that is something I want to do not something I
have to do. When I moved to RI I was running from something and now I
regret it I wish I would have stayed and dealt with it regardless of the
outcome because now I see I became worse off than if I would have stayed
but again lifes learning lessons. I feel amazing today. Physically im
feeling sick as hell but mentally im in an amazing place. This weekend
was just omg amazing I think one of the best weekends this year. I loved
it and that's why I am still glowing lol. Ok imma go drink my 8th bottle
of water then im done with the water for today, hit the gym then go home
and relax. I truly feel good I can't stop smiling lol...ok I done. Stay
blessed and continue to bless those around you. OOHHHHH getting a new
Tat tomorrow yesterday I had planned on the name but again life showed
me that was the wrong move and I realized what I need...stay tuned for
the pic.
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Today was a nice day. I had a few things on my mind but I did my best to
focus on packing and cleaning up. Everything is happening the way it
should at this point I guess I just had to make some self changes and
allow myself to face reality about some things. I took a nap today and
man I love naps but I had such a weird dream lol I was making baked
chicken...not sure what that means but whatever. I had to do some stuff
today and while being downtown me and my girl saw the waterfire was
tonight. Now I have been in Rhode Island for 2 years and have never been
so she decided we should go. We went home....rested then got dressed and
went. It was so amazing. How the water was on the river and omg just the
music the food the environment was so needed it was so relaxing and she
made me feel so good. I needed that level of stress taken off of me.
Things aren't easy in life but when you get to a point where you rid
yourself of toxic people, toxic things, and toxic thoughts its amazing
what can be accomplished. Well its almost tomorrow. Imma bond and go to
bed. Nii nii blogspot
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Its about 9:45pm and I am laying here watching so you think you can
dance. Today was a nice day it was so pretty outside and I truly can't
complain. I almost didn't go to the gym today but I went and I am so
glad I did. I had to deal with a few things today but with the help of
God I was able to get through them without dwelling on it and just
letting it go. See the thing about allowing God to handle your problems
is once you give it to him it is no longer in your hands. I can't
control other peoples actions I can only control my reaction. So much
happened in this little bit of time of me leaving the gym and I dealt
with it all without cussing, crying, or being mean I did my best and my
best was all I had. I have to remain focused on what my goals are in
life and never let anything mess that up for me. I am not perfect heck
far from it but I promise I am doing my all to remain my best. I won't
always come out on top but I need to always feel like I worked as hard
as I could to be on top. I am going to watch tv then close my eyes im
tired as heck. I thank God for the strength I currently have and ask
that he continue to bless me with the knowledge of what to do and the
strength and courage to carry it out. Goodnight blogspot until next
time.
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So today I have been through another emotional rollercoaster and its hard when you just dont know who or what can effect your mood. I have battled with staying at work today because of how I feel but my day is almost over and I made it and I am thankful for it. Its hard, the things I am dealing with right now are hard and mostly because I cant control it but I can control me and thats enough. I have been down all day and I got an email regarding this position I was trying for and I had to smile and its what I needed just to validate the fact that things will get better. With prayer and effort anything is possible and its time to me to make the impossible possible and I feel so confident. I can admit I am very sad but being sad is ok I just don't want to feel unhopeful. I talked to my mom and just expressed to her that I can no longer allow my father to hurt me this way he has brought me back to a horrible place and I cant afford to be here, not here, not now and I am sure she is looking down on me and proud that I even gave it a try. Ok so I am at work and the calls have slowed down a little enough for me to get these thoughts out and I want to thank you guys for reading and emailing me your quesitons and also your problems, never feel like I can't help you because there are always people around me to help me so I have to be the same for others. I am feeling a little better. I have therapy today so thats a good thing (yes I am still very open about therapy nothing wrong with getting help where its needed) and I know me and Kim will come up with a plan to execute and get things on track. This was a nice weekend I thought it was going to be crap but it ended up nice. Support and love can come from the strangest places sometimes but then it gives you the light to look at someone and just say "Thank you for being here for me" ok So thats all for now, I am depressed but I am loved so I cant complain.

 

Ok I am going out side for a cig break (no i dont smoke but thats what its called at work)