Clarity

I have to much to talk about not a lot to say just some things I want to express so I am going to try to knock them down one by one. First let me say Fios is amazing the things you can do with this tv are just crazy and I am so not even going to start but wow this was a good change for me and I don't even like TV like that but its still cool. Also the internet speed is wwooowwww. Ok now on to my horoscope (that i got from Fios tv) You probably look a lot busier than you actually are these days with active Mars in your public 10th House. But beneath your whirlwind of running around, there is real progress taking place on a mental level, out of sight from those around you. Even if you want to give up, recognize that this is not the end; rather this stopping point is a chance for you to see what's not working in your life and start fixing what's broken. This was so true for today. It was one of those busy yet busy doing nothing days. There are times like this in my life when I feel like so much needs to be done but there isnt anything to do so I spend the day thinking about what can be done tomorrow so that I can complete all tasks at hand. My main goal for today was just getting past the day I think i did like one or two blogs today because my thoughts are moving so fast yet the day is going slow. All I wanted to do was go to therapy and talk to Kim about me moving back to CT and get her feel of things because now its really happening. Her and I came up with an amazing plan but at the same time I had to deal with major issues of why I left and why its going to be so hard to go back. I have to say I am not jumping for joy on this one because I have to face a million fears alone. I have to fight this battle by myself and this may be the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I am prepared for whatever happens. I am stronger now than ever and sometimes it doesnt feel that way because I am going through break downs and fall outs that I have never felt but now I am able to say i can finally feel, nothing is numb anymore I have true feelings and emotions. Kim brought up the subject of bringing closure to RI.....and I had to say really there is nothing to close. I thought about the people I knew here and how things have turned out and I have to walk away. Everyone has motive and if ever you hurt me thats ok but if ever your motive was to hurt me, I can't come back from that. Speaking of that Kim made me feel so good today she made me see something I didnt see before. See for those of you who are keeping up with the blog you know I have a deep problem with my father he is a mean man and I have tried to allow him to be a prart of my life, and how I am trying to do what my mother wanted and thats for me and him to have a relationship. The thing Kim said that i never thought about is that my mom is in heaven and being in heaven brings clarity to people. She said she feels as though my mom is able to see my father for who he is and wants me to be happy and wants me to live in the way she was never able to, she (with a clear mind) wouldnt want me to hurt over him and allow him to abuse me in the way he abused her. She is looking down on me proud to know I did my best, I put my best foot forward and now I have to walk away, not walking away with hate in my blood just more love for myself than for him and thats something she wasnt able to do while she was here on earth. I will now live as she would, is she had the support system I now have. Ok its 11:30 I have 3 more days of work then I'm off. God bless everyone who reads this even those of you who have ill feelings towards me. One thing you should know is holding grudges does no one any good. Let it go and move on...its not easy I know but WE all have to heal one day and allow ourselves to love once again. I am going to sleep...nii nii.