Change isnt always good.

I was considering not writing this blog but its 11:42 at night and shit its on my mind so why not. I was talking to a friend of mine today and we were talking about who I was 2 years ago and who I am now. I sitting here just thinking about how much has changed and not much in a good direction. Two years ago I was hard working loving mother of 4. Loved my job, made good money, did things went out, had so much fun. I valued life and all it had to offer, nothing could stop me then. I went from being a receptionist for an advertising to holding one of the top positions. I was also a very fun person to be around, was rarely sad about anything although I didnt have the best life anyone around me would never know. What happened to take me from that happened two years ago and I still can't seem to bounce back from it. I struggle with it everyday, I deal with the dreams, emotions, fear, I deal with it all. I cant find the strength to let it go, to know and believe it wont happen again. Even talking about too much will take me to a bad place. I have prayed on it but as I am sitting here now maybe I have to do what I feel is right. Just recently I got a job offer back in CT and I have considered it but at the same time I thought maybe thats not the move for me, maybe I shouldnt go back to where it happened but then I have to think I ran away, I ran away from it instead of staying and dealing with it. I remember a past friend of mine Katie worked so hard to get me to stay, she told me I cant run from it because I will never be ok like that, maybe she was right. I asked God to guide me, and while I am waiting for him to show me, allow me to see his path and not one I make on my own. If I truly get this job and a nice apartment then I will go, I will learn to heal from this. Everyone I talk to says to me "neeve its been two years you cant get over it yet" Let me explain in detail what I am going through. To have someone come into your home beat you like a man, fracture your nose and your jaw, have them have no care about their chldren being there, have them have no care in the world if you live or die, all they want to do is beat you until they are tired, to hear your daughter in the background yelling for them to stop, to have your 2 year old baby holding onto your leg the whole time. See unless you were me you could never understand what that did to me and my children, if youre not me you would say "its been 2 years get over it" if youre not me you wouldnt lose as much sleep as I do, you wouldnt lock your bedroom door at night, you wouldnt check every window in your house to make sure no one can come in. People always think they know what they would do if it happened to them but...I DIDNT it happened to me so I deal with it. I am tired of people telling me get over it, let it go, shit if I could dont you think I would......*sigh* well thats what was on my mind for the night...I have expressed it, now i will pray that I get stronger each day. Oh and I need to say something, I read an exes of mines blog and she said I deserved it (you know who you are) and I have to say out of all the wild fucked up things we have said to eachother I never expected that from her...some people just hate me I guess....no words for that one. Anyway I am going to get some sleep...until next time