My Pride....

So I just spent 30 mins on the phone with a friend..associate...well I don't know what the hell to call her but yeah I was talking and I had to come here and express somethings. I was explaining to her in short where my life is right now and where it is headed. I think people spend time in life unhappy, going through life not truly experiencing posibilites of life and just going on with life as normal. My mother was one of those people. While i am sure she had some fun in her life she spent 90% of life unhappy wondering why she made the choices she did. Now I am 32 and I have to say good gosh I have made some stupid and fucked up choices but I have made them and learning from them. My friend seems to think I have the ability to numb my feelings a emotions and truly thats not the case. I don't pick and chose what emotions I can ignore and turn off just my mind does it for me. If I let everything break me I would have killed myself a long time ago. Now that might be a good thing but then at the same time I have hurt people and also missed out on the one emotion I am just now understanding and thats Love.

Its about 6:30 or so and I am in the process of cleaning the house and waiting for the twins to come home and I am cooking them chicken. I can't help but to keep wondering things, like my mind is racing in a million places. One place my mind wont wonder into is the past I am strictly looking at the present and thinking about what my next move is going to be. I was wondering about someone and wanting to know their every thought their every emotion but I have to step away from that, I have to let that one go because she is grown and she is going to do whats best in her life and I have to do the same. Right now my main focus is going back to work and decideing where I want to work, there are a few options out here and I will let God show me the way. Im in a good place right now, while the last couple of days have made me think about things, made me feel weird I wont drown myself with that. If someone can go to me and say...Yo what happened happened and thats it...who am I to say thats not it. lmao..I am sitting here laughing becuase for once...I feel used..and its making me laugh cause damn...thats wild..me...used??? lol anyway its owed...I got that. Anyway imma finish cooking they will be here at 7 then I gotta turn that mommy face on and continue with my day. Monday is going to be an exciting yet nervous day for me and I am happy about that. I will say more...on Monday. Oh and ummm QUE...u suck ass lmao ok im done.