Us...Over????

So I have someone that I kinda go to to ask what I should blog about because there are times I feel the need to blog but not sure what subject I want to stay on. The subject today is What you feel about right how..this seperation. How hard is it for me or how if I feel anything.

I will start by saying that me and Mo recently broke up: I am sure some of my readers who are following me on twitter or facebook already know but for those of you who don’t yes we broke up. Why did we break up??? Maybe somewhere in this blog I will say why or just stay on the subject at hand. How hard is it for me? Its hard beacause as everyone knows I have 4 children at home who have come to know and love her for all that she is and or isnt, that have learned to accept her as part of the family and it took almost 2 years to get there but all in all they all love her. Everyday when they see me the first question they ask is "Where is Mo?" as the days go on that question gets harder and harder because one day I wont be able to say "at work she will be home soon" because soon she wont be living with us anymore. Its hard being a single parent of 4 but when I chose to have my children I was single so now going back to it will be hard but it can be done. I truly appreciate all Mo has been to our lives and I don’t expect her to be completely gone at this point. Her and I have a mutual understanding of what needs to be done and I wont talk about it here but we both know whats going on and if things stay focused everything will work out for everyone. Other than just talking about the kids I am sure it wants to be known if I will miss her and to answer honestly yes. She has been a great person in my life doing any and everything needed in this relationship and for the reasons I wont go into we were not able to make it work yet we still will remain friends. The difference between any of my other exes and her is that we arent breaking up because I cheated or did something outside of this relationship so its something we can manage. I do feel for everyone in this situation but as all things in life I am looking forward to an amazing year. I have some really great people in my life right now and I love them so they will be there for me when times get hard. I will always love Mo for who she has become for me and I will continue to watch over her in her journey through life. At this point I have met the most amazing individual (no she isnt my rebound) and she has a lot of wisdom and she is now my rock, she answers every text, every phone call, ever knock on the door and I love her for it…I am blessed to have her. God has blessed me with some amazing people I just hope I can be just as amazing for them. I have learned how to treat a woman, I have learned not to lie or cheat, just to take care of and love her with all I have. …..Does that answer the question?

Who are you to me?

So I have been in the mood to blog but just not sure what I wanted to blog about so I went and asked someone what I should write about. There are so many times when I have things to say but being that this is public there is only so much I can say without truly allowing people in my complete life. The thing about me is I always feel like there is someone that can gain from my life and the things I go through. Sometimes I chose the right outcome and sometimes I don't but at the end of the day its lifes lessons and I dont mind sharing because I dont look at it as letting people in I look at as a form of expression. Ok now on to the subject:
I was recently asked How and why do I love the person I am with......I was also asked to post only real thoughts so here it goes: I am with someone that I met a while back, we were talking at one point in time but then I felt she was too young so I stopped dealing with her. I was in a relationship with my ex and her and I started talking again. I think I was unhappy with life at that time for all the wrong reasons. I felt like in my current rhode island relationship I was missing something because we took care of the kids, went out time from time and were a family and for some reason I felt like I was missing out on something and there is where Mo came in. She was different something that took me away from life she had no responsibilities not a care in the world all she did was make music, smoke weed, and have sex (im sure she did more but thats what i remember lol) and that was different for me because for me I was only attracted to women with goals and accomplishments and some form of life and she had none of those things. It started off as just a sex thing when I went to CT, driving down there to drop off the kids to their fathers and then would swing by there and do whatever. It came down to a point where my girl in RI found out what was going on and then I had to make a decision and I have to say I didnt decide to be with Mo instead of my then girlfriend I just decided I was tired of hurting her but in chosing Mo I was chosing a life unexpected...see with her came a level that I had never taken myself to and that was a very toxic life. I spent time drinking, smoking, fucking, and allowing her and myself to disrespect the people I once said I loved. There was a certain person who was there for me like no one else and didnt expect anything in return, she has been there for years and I allowed Mo to disrespect her because Mo felt like this person wanted more from me and regardless if she did or not I was wrong to allow things go to the way they did and then she stopped dealing with me and I felt horrible about it, she called me a liar, a horrible exuse and various others things I saw on her twitter but all in all I made the choice to stick it out with Mo. This was a challenge for me and maybe thats why I chose to change life a little because I actually had to in a sense raise Mo. I was determined to make her into what I wanted, get her a job, responsiblity and have her grow up right before my eyes. Thats where things have gone in the past two years. So to answer the above question it isnt my love for Mo thats any different its me who has taken the time to realize people are important and valuable creatures and none of them should be hurt, or disrespected in anyway. I am not blind to whats in front of me, I am not in love with love, I am simply just living life according to how I see fit. I dont love her more than anyone else I just have now chosen to love differently. I do my best and at times makes mistakes at the end of the day the one thats most important is ME and thats something I have often forgot. I want life with someone, I want marriage with someone, I want to raise children with someone and go on long vacations, I want to go house hunting with someone and do simple things like argue about silly things like who is going to park in the garage....I no longer want someone to fuck me until I cant breathe, or someone to make pointless videos with, or someone to get high with. I want the grown up simple life of raising children (maybe having more) and growing old together and comparing who has the bigger 401k......The past couple of years have taught me a lot and its sad people were hurt behind the choices I made but I do know that I will hurt again....I just know I will be there to hold you when you cry...

Well this concludes my blog for today I hope I have answer your question: There isnt anything about her that kept me from you, I just made a choice some say it was the wrong one either way it was a choice.....Thanks for reading...Goodnight

Why I didnt wear purple

I was talking to a friend after work last night and she asked “did you wear purple” now being the person I am I said “What the hell am I wearing purple for” she laughed and said “In support of the young people who have killed them selves due to bullied for being gay” I cracked the hell up laughing and that’s what brought me to this blog. (Disclaimer: I say how I truly feel if you disagree that’s fine but do realize your words are just that..WORDS)
        My views on the latest news on the young killing themselves due to being bullied for being gay: I am 32 years old and a mother of 4 and these stories don’t touch my heart at all, what touches my heart is the parents who have allowed their children go through these situations and not support or teach their children how to deal with LIFE. When I was growing up kids used to pick on me because of my eyes and due to them picking it prompted me to have 11 different eye surgeries and still today wanting the 12th. The one thing it didn’t do is make me want to kill myself because believe me if I was going to kill myself it wouldn’t be because of the stuff happening in school it would be the hell I had going on in my home. Needless to say I would come home upset because someone called me a name and either my mom would hold me, rock me or my father would tell me to go back to that school and kick their ass (his words) or I would ask my cousin Sommre to beat them up because at that time I was scared to fight. See we have been bullied since the beginning of time and its our place as parents to teach our children to deal with the unkind words or we as parents need to step up to the plate and protect our children. I believe this world has gotten to the point where we just let our children out in this crazy world and let TV and videos raise them instead of raising them ourselves. I have a very close relationship with my children they come to me for everything from someone call them stupid to someone rolled their eyes. My children know how to defend themselves very well and that could have been learned at home or amongst eachother. All I know is it starts at home building self-esteem in your children making them feel loved and letting them know the outsiders don’t matter it’s the love I show that matters. As far as these young people I feel a different way because my question is Why is it so important for everyone at school to know you are gay? Why does being gay define who you are as a person? We have to remember its not a secret but there is such a thing called your private life and school has nothing to do with your sexuality. When I was in school it wasn’t who likes girl and who likes boys it was “When is it time to go home” or “when is the next school dance” see life is so private that they don’t even post the grades you make in school because that’s PRIVATE…they also don’t post how much your parents make because that’s PRIVATE.. they don’t post where you were born or how much you weigh hell they don’t even walk around telling people your ethnic background. So why are so many young people running around yelling IM GAY…NO what you are is a young person trying to find you place in this world, in school with hopes of being someone important, trying to make a significant difference in this world and believe me it doesn’t start with flaunting the fact you like the same gender. I will today and tomorrow and hell always believe I am a 32year old African American woman who is educated and goal oriented, a woman who has 4 beautiful children, and has also had a very hard life that happens to be gay….Parents please remind our children whats important in life and really who you want to sleep with has nothing to do with school, money, or work its just an added bonus. So all in all its horrible how people can treat others but whats worse is the parents not being their for their little ones to do all they can to defend them and be there for them in horrible situations. Love your children because the only one that will love them more than you is God but he would prefer if you do your job so he can spend time working on those who don’t.

Past year and a half

Its truly been a little while since I have had time to blog. I do have time here or there to maybe update twitter or facebook but it takes actual sit down relax time for me to blog. Also because I am not saying everything in my life I have to be focused when blogging lol. So this year has taken an amazing turn I can say this year and half I have learned so much about life and myself. Its been hard but I have made it. I still have a long way to go but for the most part I am excited about this year and the progress.
Last year I was all everywhere from leaving the home I once knew with my ex to moving to another place and then moving my gf in was a weird change. I had always taken pride in not bringing people around my kids who I hadn't been involved with for a long time. I came up with the excuse that they already knew her and yes that’s true they knew her but they didn’t know her as my gf so that was something I would have never done before, then my oldest two went to stay with their father for a school year and yeah that was a huge mistake mainly because no mother should be without their children. I had the twins but naturally I should have them all. Part of me needed a break and the other part of me wanted their father to see what's its like raising children on his own without financial help. Well that backfired because I spent the year trying to get them back with me and he had his family to help him that’s something I don’t have in that way. One of the things I did to get them back was trying to transfer my job to ct and doing a job I hated with a passion and then driving 1hour and 45 mins to work everyday and that was just not well thought out. Then in Dec I applied for a job at VerizonW and got the job yet I was still living in RI so how am I working in ct and living in Ri…needless to say I made moves real quick again not very thought out because all I wanted was my oldest two back with me and I know doing it in RI was harder than if I was just here in CT. I found an apartment and the big two came home….ok so now the apartment I moved into was nice but who knew once it gets warm all the drug dealers come out. To my surprised I was living in the highest drug area in that city (google Derby Ct lol) and I was depressed everyday because I wasn’t raised in the ghetto so I damn sure wasn’t going to raise my children there either. I finally decided to listen to my gf and actually hear what she was saying and that simply was to "Slow down and think" I had been making such drastic moves in the past two years it was time to sit and think instead of moving on impulse as I had been and I spent time searching for the perfect place for the kids and finally I found it. As we speak the kids and I are now living in a beautiful 4 bedroom condo…….we are still in the unpacking and decorating process but I haven't slept this good in years. If I could go back in time I would have never left CT because what I did was exactly what Katie told me not to do and that’s run…run from the problem. She said stay and face it she even offered me and the kids to come with her…I enjoyed living in RI shit I had fun and the kids did too but to know that ultimately I was just going to come back it was a waste of time but well worth it. Needless to say I shall now take my time and think things through because I make any changes, hell even now when I get gas I am thinking if this is the best deal (smile) all in all this has been time I will not soon forget and now I am reading much more and have come up with a great book idea that I will start this winter. My mind and soul is now at peace…everything is far from perfect but perfection is what I seek and will not stop til I have reached my goal.

God bless those who read this and understand and bless those who just read. Take care of the ones you love but love your children more than anyone else they are the ones who can suffer behind your wrong decisions.

Traveler

I'm laying in my bed getting ready to go to sleep at 9pm, that's the time I go to bed now with me having to get up at 4am to prepare for work each day. I am thinking to myself its "exactly 30 days til 9-2-10" and there are so many things going on in my life. I am thinking about the past 5 years and how the last two have taken a turn for the worse. I am traveling down a road that seems like its a never ending spiral downhill. I can't seem to travel upward and when I do the hill gets harder and harder to climb. For now I know my journey is hard yet at the end rewarding but when is that end coming. When will this spiral stop winding and start be straight and consistent. I am tired of not knowing what left to make or when to turn right. I look to no one for direction but myself I am my own navigational system my own self taught gps yet I am still acquiring satellites I am still waiting for someone to plug me in their car lighter because my battery is oh so low. They say you don't know where you going if you don't remember where you came from. How can I make sure I don't end up on the same Hell street I was born, the Pain ave I was raised, and the Hurtful city I played in. How can I keep my children from playing on the abused playgrounds, and playing with the petifiled toys and the deathwish roller coasters. See the life I dream of is a life I have never seen so knowing where I come from doesn't ensure I won't remain there but forgetting where I came from and pretending I know where I am going gives me hope. This journey has seen me slowly lose all power all strength all will but the reason I continue to fight and gas up my car to keep driving up that hill is for them and no matter how many times my tires give out and the gas tank is on E and my engine light comes on I won't stop driving until THEY are where they belong.

The truth comes out

Because I havent writen in so long its makes it so that i feel like I have to update so much but i am going to just start from today. This past weekend was my grandmas 76nd birthday party and I havent been to her party in years and I am so glad I went it was so nice out there with my family, because of different reasons I had lost connection with my family but it all came back together when I was there. I had people all over me and that made me feel so special. The one thing is I found out my cousin that lives in ATL is one of the head people at verizon down there and he is going to try to get me a spot down there if thats what I want. i want to go back down south but I dont know about the A thats a little too far but I am going down there in Oct so I will see how it is then. The other thing was that me and my aunt had some time to talk. She has always been a supportor of my lifestyle and everytime she sees me she asks if I am with someone. The last few times I was with the same person she even met my ex but my current she hasnt met so we just sat down and talked. She made me see things about myself that was hard to see before. I cant seem to stay in a relationship for a long period of time and if I do I get bored or I cheat and then it ends and then I am on to the next one. she was saying how because I spent so many years seeing my mother unhappy and stuck its hard for me to tell what I should and shouldnt put up with. After I left my last relationship I was able to see where I went wrong and now in my current I am trying not to do those same things. I have grown a lot in the last year but now so much more is going on that I feel like I dont have a handle on things. I am not miserable I am just at a point where its do or die. I am a pusher I will push until I cant push anynmore like if I am given the opportunity to do 40 hours of overtime in one week I am on it because in the long run I can love my kids all i want but it takes money to provide for them and if i dont have it then im not as good of a mom as i hope to be. I have a couple of pet peeves of mine shit maybe I have a list of them but one thing that bothers me is when adults have adult conversations with children. I like when somenone is comfortable with my children but when you become too comfortable and you forget they are my children and my children with tell everything and anything that is being said and it gets back to me, then you have to know i am going to feel a way and take action. If I tell you more than once and it gets worse then really be prepared for whats to come after. I remember going way back a couple of years ago where the kids aunt felt the need to tell my daughter I was gay, now I was going to tell her at some point but she told and actually asked my daughter not to tell me...shit my daughter came running to me with all kinds of questions. Hell even some of my exes have went to her and she comes running because thats just how she is and if you didnt learn your lesson from that then be prepared. My daughter while I do love her is a monster....a beast...lol shit my mom called her lucifer so needless to say I sit here feeling all kinds of ways. One thing my kids don't like is to make people feel uncomfortalbe so they always say "mommy dont say anything" and I do as they ask but how do you do right by your children without breaking their trust. My children has this one aunt where every time they told their father something she did he would get on her then walk around the house with an attitude and that made the kids uncomfortable. I have to sit and ponder on this one but this is sonething I never have and never will tollerate. If you go talk to children about grown up shit either youre stupid, immature, or need some friends but all in all you have fucked up. well i have to get up early as usual in the morning so imma call it a night big day tomorrow lots to do. night all and if I can give a word of advice. Children are beautiful creatures, take pride in the gift of life God has given you, never take advantage of their love, love them and take care of them and that alone will bring happiness to your life.

Nuff said.

Its been a while

I really havent had the time to blog these days with the new work hours. I love the new hours when I am getting off early but I am still adjusting to getting up that early in the morning. I love this for the summer time I am not sure how it will feel in the winter at the crack of dawn. Things have been really calm these days, went through a small misunderstanding with someone but for the most part life is great. I have learned there are always ways in life you just have to find them. I spent a lot of time ignoring things in life and just going on with life business as usual but now I pay attention and work on changing any things that are wrong in my life that are within my control. The one huge thing in my life that never really worked out was my relationship, I was going about things all wrong. I spent years cheating and just wanting my girlfrend to accept it instead of working hard at figuring out how to stop doing stupid stuff and just focus on the good things. I can say I have stopped so many ways and I always wondered if I would get where I am now. I always was a hard worker and a loving mom but I never really knew how to be a good girlfriend. I remember my ex used to say what a horrible girlfriend I was, see I thought I was funny and great to be around but what I wasnt was commited. Its bad to look back at those who came vicitim to what I did but its a learning lesson. I am a better person now and I truly love me and where I am in life. I have finally decided to go ahead and buy a home. With what I a paying in rent I can invest in a home, there are a few I am going to look at tomorrow and Thursday. All in all this blog is simply to say dont allow someone else to make you happy or complete you, just make you happy and all else will fall into place. I finally have a 5 year plan and am putting things into place. I will be taking my first vacation alone in october. I sam heading to NC for a while and then hitting ATL for pride. I am excited about what this year has to bring but even more excited about next yaar. I am excited about seeing old friends in Oct and meeting some new ones. Ok I am giong to take a blog break and handle some business....nuff said for now...i will get deeper into life later..

U shouldnt be here

Its almost 9:00pm and I am just finished cleaning up the house wondering if I should go hang out with my cousin Sommre cause my girl doesn't get off until late tonight and I'm bored as all hell. I send my cousin a text saying "I'm gonna shower and get dressed so we can hang til she gets off" I get a reply saying "I'm on my way" since my cuz is about 45 mins away I have time to enjoy myself in the shower and get all dolled up for my night out puttin on sexy lingerie because everyone knows what u wear under u clothes makes u feel just as sexy as what u wear on the outside. I'm just finished putting my favorite lotion on when a text comes in "be there in 5 mins" I am like damn she driving fast so I hit the closet grab a cute revealing shirt some tight jeans and throw on some heels she is tall so I gotta measure up. I'm just finished putting on my jewlery when a text comes "I gotta pee open the door hurry up" I laugh and open the door and walk into my room laughing at her and I hear my bedroom door close. I'm shocked because I smell ur cent in the room and my heart stops and I say "how did u know I would be alone" you walk up behind me and say "I read ya twitter and u texted me instead of ya cousin" I'm breathing so hard heart racing because ur here and she is only mins away. You begin to put ur arms around my waist and compliment me on how sexy I am I begin to say something and u cover my mouth with ur hand and say "we don't have much time she will be home soon and my girl is expecting me to return soon" I begin unbuttoning my jeans and slide them down u are so close to me my ass grinds against u as I bend down to take them off. I walk over to the bed we still haven't made eye contact I take my shirt off give u time to admire my body and I slide onto the bed u climb on top of me we begin to kiss and I whisper "I need you make these few mins last forever" we begin to grind in a rhythmic motion while Tank is playing on my pandora radio ur hands begin to explore my body I moan with every inch that u cover not trying to cum but my body wants to scream ur name. You have managed to make me forget about the time as u are naked laying on top of me slowly grinding and going down slowly licking on my clit and into my walls ur tounge is so strong I can't believe what I am feeling I cum within seconds. You come back up and kiss me deep inside my mouth allowing me to taste my own cum. There are so many things I want to do and am thinking quickly because our time is so limited I then turn you over and whisper "I'm going to do what you love for me to do" I go down you stomach so slow licking all down you until I reach ur spot u grab my head and start fucking my face showing me how much u need it u cum so fast I hold u down so I can keep going and before we know it u are coming again I come back up grinding on u wanting this to continue but I glimpse at my phone text says "bae I get off in 10mins don't be late" I grin at u and say "maybe one day we can finish for now..we must stop" we both start getting dressed and we look at eachother and smile we say at the same time "damn Virgoz" I grin u walk out. I send a text to ur phone "don't let a year go by without tasting it" we both delete the message and go pick our girlfriends up.

just a short update on life

whats new with Neeve?? a whole fucking lot that I cant even touch here but as usual i will get through it and do it the way I should have long ago...all in all plans in motion and nothing or no one will stand in my way. August 18th im heading to NC for a week hang with fam down there and just relax and get my thoughts together I truly need a min away from everyone...other than that im working on my grind...nuff said

You belong to someone else

I am sitting here at the computer thinking of all the things I want to say and all the feelings I feel. Sometimes you put yourself in difficult situations and once you are in them thats when you realize maybe you didnt think before you made that certain move, maybe you should have taken more time to see what was best for you. I do a lot of online reading and seeing whats going on in the world with people I know and some I dont. due to texting and things like that I kind of have a grasp of whats goin on in others lives and some of those things make me uncomfortalbe but there has to come a point where I start feeling nothing behind it. Like didnt I break things off? Wasnt I the one who did wrong over and over again? So why am I the one sitting here wondering what if??? I keep hearing songs that make me think of you and where life was then when you first called my phone and i heard your voice, when I first saw a pic of you that you sent only to me, when I was scared as hell to see you for the first time and how comfortable you made me feel that very first time. How I wanted nothing more every other weekend then to see you and no matter where you were or what you were doing you made sure to take time to spend time with me, even when there were times when I couldnt because of the kids you then made them a part of the equation. I still remember the first time you gave the twins a bath...they were so young then but you looked at them as your own. Its so weird, like when does that void fill itself when will there be a time when youre name runs across my mind and I feel nothing at all. Am I wrong to want to stop feeling for you? should I like wanting something I cant and shouldnt have? what the hell is it????? I am with her, and you are with her...so....wtf is it? Im happy right?? Youre happy right??? The weirdest feelings and emotions are going through my entire body as I am sitting here listening to Tribute to a Woman by Ginuwine. I can sit here and say I will stop feeling whatever I feel for you right now but I know deep down that cant happen. I guess thats what love really is all about...loving someone even when you cant have them...we are in different places and I hope one day our paths cross again, not like they did before something different something we never had or tried before. Ok I am done here....this is pointless

Sigh

I can say I blog for two reasons. one is to just get my thoughts and ideas out and when i go back and read them it helps me and to help others. There are people who read my blog and come to me expressing how they are going through or feeling the same things and appreciate the fact that I dont hide it I actually take the time to express whats going on in my life. Today has been the hardest day of this year so far. Last night I had a dream about my mom and this dream felt so damn real to me we were actually doing stuff around the house and everything was as it used to be. Waking up and realizing she is still gone did something horrible to me mentally and physically. I spent the entire day laying around thinking about her crying for her wishing she was here. While I do understand why she is gone and its best for her it doesnt stop the hurt that I feel on a daily basis. Alot of days its easy I speak to her tell her I love her and miss her and then a day like this comes and I honestly just want to die so I can be closer to her. Now I am not going to kill myself or anything like that I just want to be near her, talk to her, spend time with her again like we used to. Sometimes my phone rings and I think its her or I go to my phone wanting to call her yet I realize she isnt here with me on earth anymore. Today drained me in so many ways. I got a few texts and imz I responded to one or two but mosetly I kept to myself. I am so sad its crazy but I will come out of it. I am going to go see her Sunday, thats going to be hard but maybe thats what I need to do, i havent been in a while so its time now to go. Losing her has been the hardest thing ever in my current life. Having my father still here and not being able to talk to him because he is a complete jerk makes it that much harder. I spent today wondering why she is gone and he is here and what I came up with was....She was too good for this earth and he is here still suffering. I need to do everything within my power to remain here and healthy for my children i am all they have at this point and i have to keep going if not for myself then for them. I love them with all my heart and for them...my life will continue.

Until next time......

Lifes changes

Today I received a call from my cousin telling me some disturbing news. My uncle is missing.....thats so weird to hear and even type because my family has been through so much. My grandma had 6 children and has already had two of them pass to think of something happening to my uncle is horrible. He hasnt been seen since the weekend and someone found his cell phone in a weird place. No matter what happens in my uncles life he always keeps in touch with my grandma he goes over her house everyday and calls her at least 3 times a day so him being gone this long and he cell phone just turning up in a random place leaves my family and I to think the worse. I will continue to pray until he returns home....God willing he will return home. The missing persons report has already been filed yet no word. I am scared for him and my family...we will remain strong and continue to pray. Also I just found out my cousin is doing hard time in jail...this is weighing heavily on my grandma I feel so bad for her. I dont talk much about my extended family because we have had our differences but at the end of the day they love me and I love them and when they hurt so do I. I miss my mother so much when it comes to family issues but sometimes its best she isnt here to see what they are going through because my mom took everything so hard. Ok I am going to pray and make dinner for the kids. Kiss your love ones tell them you love them never let drama or craziness take you away from the ones you truly love no matter how hard the battle is one thing you must know anything truly worth having is worth working hard for. its not going to be easy but in the end you will sit on your porch looking at your white picket fence old and grey and laugh about the hard times taking moment to appreciate them.

Until next time

why im me and you're you

I am sitting up in my bed trying to organize some music because the cable guy has been here all day and there isnt much you can do when someone is in your house. I cleaned up everything earlier this morning so this is all that’s left to keep occupied because I can’t even leave the house. Anyway so out of boredom and frustration I have come to the blog to express some things. I had a conversation today that didn’t go the way I thought it would, when I first made the phone call I kinda thought it was going to be a pleasant update of whats going on in their lives but it turned ugly really fast. Now I am used to our convos not going the way it should but now its seems like I was being put on the chopping block for being…”Neeve” and now I will take the time to address the issues brought to me.
I was told that I am very wishy washy and I make people conform to my lifestyle and if they cant fit in then they wont be in and I don’t compromise. I feel like this ‘get in where you fit in” and the reason I feel that way is because I am not going to spend my life changing who I am and what I am about for the next person who could be there today and gone tomorrow. I wont and do not plan on dedicating my life to an individual. I have chosen to dedicate my life to my children and those are the only people I feel are deserving of dedication. Now I do believe in relationships but at the same time people are going to be people and I will be damned if I let the next persons love for me or lack of love control my moods or emotions. I keep myself safe from harm and heartache as much as possible. I heard about how I wake up one day wanting to be a stud and the next wanting to be femme and I have a identity problem. I don’t have a problem at all with who I am I have a problem with people who have a problem with who I am. If I want to put on baggy jeans today and a tight ass shirt tomorrow then that’s what I am going to do because as a lesbian its not the clothes I wear its my personality and that never changes. I am me because God made me this way and my upbringing had a lot to do with it. I have been through a lot in my years and will continue to go through things but I don’t like being judged by my outside apprearance. The one thing that is right that the person was talking about is if its not my way then be gone. The reason I am this way is so many people spend so much time unhappy with the person they chose as a mate that they never find true happiness. They submit to the first person who shows some kind of interest and then settle. I will be damned if I settle for anything, I want what and who I want and that’s what I will have…all or nothing. I was thinking about this persons like and where they are now and really its amazing how they can come at me about who I am when I am in a very good, happy, comforable place in my life. See I have watched them be hurt many many people, used, taken advantage, and beat mentally and why you ask…because they were looking for love. Now I am looking at where they are right now and yes working a nice job, living a finacially nice life but are they truly happy? Have they gotten all the world has to offer? Or are they hiding behind money and materialistic things? I say hiding. One can never be happy until you are content with yourself and your mind. Moving people in and out, pretending to play house when it’s in shambles, saying you love someone who has show that you mean nothing to them, going hard for someone who’s biggest concern is partying and drinking and having fun…like really come on now you cant be happy in that life, you cant really expect me to believe this is what you want. Now I am not sitting here trying to come down on anyone because life will continue but I am a person that believes get what you want from life and if someone other than you stands to benefit then great.
I have taken a close look at my relationship many times over the year her and I have been together and its really no different than any other one. She goes hard for me like they all have, she will walk to the end of the earth for me like they all have, the big differenence here is ME. I chose to appreciate her instead of disrespecting her over and over like I have all my exes. She didn’t change me…let me respeat SHE DIDN’T CHANGE ME.. I changed me because of what I did to others in my past. You cant go on in life like that. I truly wish I had changed over a year ago and things would have been different but I thank god for allowing me to have the strength to change because some female would have ended up killing me. I am not perfect hell I cheated on my girl more than once that’s a mistake I have chosen not to make again. I realized it takes a lot of power to cheat but it takes a lot of heart not to and its so pointless…shit what came out of it, not a damn thing. So all is this to say I am happy, blessed, and looking forward to a wonderful year with my children, family, friends, co-workers, and my girlfriend. I may not have the same friends next year, or the same co-workers or the same girlfriend but I will have my children and my family and I will have ME and love me until I die. If you don’t know how to love you, how the fuck can I? Show me you are a WOMAN who is out to please her offspring and not just someone who wants a relationship and a social life then maybe one day we can sit down and discuss the future. Ok guys that’s all for now and oh feeling a way about this blog is pointless I said what I said….nothing else to it

Until next time……

Hectic

Things have been so hectic the past couple of weeks from finally getting into the apartment so now setting up. I think one of the biggest things is that this is by far the biggest apartment I have ever had. The last apartment I had in CT was an nice size but this apartment is like twice the size and thats good when it comes to space for everything but damn a lot of cleaning. This morning I was cleaning up and still putting things away I am far from done but I have a really good start. The one thing I love is my new bed. I am weird because usually when I get a new place I buy a cheap bed this time I decided to go all out and I got myself a new latex pillow top bed and got all the kids the same bed and when I tell you its like sleeping on pillows oommmggg... I love it and so do they. I start my new job next week and I am excited and nervous at the same time. I miss working and being on top of the world taking care of business like I used to when I lived here in CT. Moving to RI wasnt a mistake it was what had to be done at that time but its not somewhere I could stay. With having the two twins you are always going to need some type of backup when you are unable to be there for them and I didnt have that in RI. I used to have my girl then she turned into my ex then my friend and she was able to help a lot but once she decided she was cutting us out of her life I had to make moves in a different direction and thats also how I knew I had to go. I got to a point where I never wanted me or the kids to see her again because of the way she ended the "friendship" but all in all things worked out for the best....Wait I got WAY off subject..anyway things are good...I am sitting here now about to hit the mall because I got new work clothes but I want a few more outfits so imma go pick those up and some shoes. I am taking my daughter on a $500 shopping spree this saturday in NY. She just got her hair done and now she will think she is too cute with all her new stuff yet she can't wear it during the week she will be fly on the weekends lol.

In other news...
I am speaking at a seminar this saturday about domestic voilence. I have talked about my situation to various people but never in public so I am kinda nervous but if I can help someone then its all well worth it. I think this is a brand new start for me and I am looking forward to it. I am excited about life and waiting to begin this amazing journey.

Valentines day was amazing from a Tiffanys neclace with my name in it (yes its real lol) to a beautiful blue dimond bracelet flowers candy cards and most of all 4 happy healthy children and oh yea...my son baby snoogs HATES hibachi he said "THIS IS TOO MUCH FIRE" LOL

thats all for now folks

Until next time.....

Ask me no questions I tell you no lies

Goodmorning Blogger,
This morning I got an email that sparked a couple of questions that I am going to answer here. The reason I am answering them here is because the email wasnt the only question I have been asked, I am getting them on the phone, text, IMz and tweets so I am going to list the most popular questions and answer them honestly here. If I missed something let me know (for those who email me regarding my blogs)

1. Did I move from RI to CT? Yes I have officially moved, a couple of weeks ago I started looking for a place yet I was still in the place where I was in RI after a long talk with God I came to the conclusion this is where I need to be and I signed my lease on Feb 3rd.

2. Are you and your girl still together? Yes we are its been a year and a few months (im not good with dates) and things are going well, no complaints from my end at all. She works hard for me, and anything I don't like she changes instantly and its appreciated.

3. Are all the children living with you? As of today yes we finally moved in and are getting settled, its been a long road but its a road well traveled.

4. Do you have a job there in CT? Yes I work for a cell phone company doing customer service, no you will not see me at a store selling phones lol I do only phone calls and I was supposed to start Jan 25th but I was blessed enough to push it off a month so I can find an apartment.

5. Are the twins in school? Yes they are and they love it, they are learing so much more everyday and they are loving it and thats whats most important to me.

6. Are you still the same old cheating Neeve? Now this question was funny but so real because it came from someone who knows me very well. I am going to actually just post this question and not answer....lol...no need to state obvious.

7. Will you ever go back to old flames? HELL NO...I considered a few but after careful consideration I see them for who they are and they arent people I want in my love life, friends....yea fine but lovers no. Sometimes you have to step away from someone to see who they really are and that becomes unattractive to me.

8. Has your heart been broken yet? Uhhhh no, cant say it has, I have been upset by someone but broken no, and I will never allow that to happen. I don't trust enough to go all in because I see first hand what people can put you through hell I put all my girl friends and some friends through hell and back so I am surely not going to allow someone to do that to me.

9. Are you in love with youre girl? Yes I am she means a lot to me I am going to look up being in love and see if it matches lol....but all in all she has my heart.

10. Do you see yourself getting married? For the first time in my life yes I truly want to get married and become a family with someone.

11. Are you going to have any more children? This question comes and goes in my mind sometimes more because my girl wants me to have one I consider it but not any time soon. School starts in September so after my degree is complete maybe I will look into it.

12. Do you miss anyone from you past? Yea I miss em all lol and i am being honest. There is something about them all that I enjoyed but there is also something that toxic about them too.

13. Anything you regret? Yes a lot but I have learned from my past I am focused on being a power Les at this point in my life. I have kinda taken two years off of real life and taken care of my mental I am now in a really good place mentally and am focused on regaining my life back.

14. Will you ever stop blogging tweeting or being online? NOPE dont wanna stop cause I dont have to stop its my form of venting my outlet that I will use for as long as I want plus it allows my past to keep up with me without asking lol

Ok thats all for now folks I think I said it all and anything else...JUST ASK lol

Until next time.....

It's Early

For the past week or so I have been waking up at either 2am or 4am and this is just another day so I figured I would get online and do some stuff. Normally I just lay in the bed and attempt to fall back to sleep but after days of trying this I figured I would do something new. I have a plan for tomorrow, if I wake up again I am going to take a hot shower...now this usually wakes people up but for an ansomniac like myself who knows. I am doing so much these days is kinda weird because I am usually more of a home body could be because I am lazy but heck who cares all I know is that I should be tired as hell but I'm not and thats what bothers me. I have been working out trying to take care of myself right now I am in a really nice hotel with a heated swimming pool, nice fitness center, great computer...amazing beds and I am up thats weird right? Oh well I will sleep one day lol.

I have to express a couple of personal things like lets talk about income tax. Now I have been doing my taxes and my familes since I was 14 (my own since I was 16) I got this from my mother with her being an accountant and all she taught me so much as far as taxes go. I was cool because when it was time to take this class in college I was an A+ studen and my teacher loved it. This year I thought I wasnt going to do my families taxes because for the past couple of years I havent had to but some how I am going to end up doing them I guess its because I am in CT they figure..."hell she is here so why not" So anyway I remember working at the bank and also just hearing people talk about getting income tax checks for like $10,000 and I have wondered what in the hell are they doing in the year to get a check like that and I never knew until now. I AM A PROUD OWNER OF ONE OF THOSE CHECKS. How you ask.... let me tell you. Last year I left my job because I wasnt able to work anymore if you read my blogs then you already know the situation so I only worked a few months out of the year but I was also on disability but you don't get a 1099 for temporary disability so with what I made from my job and my dependants I did my taxes and couldnt believe it when I saw it but I wasnt going to count on it until it hit my account and when it did all I did was say THANK YOU GOD. This is truly going to be a wonderful year, I hope to experience a lot and get a lot accomplished. I am having fun right now and the one thing I am going to do with the money is take the kids on a cruise. I am booking it today and they are so excited we are going to the Bahamas. I am blessed in so many ways and I am finally learning to be thankful for all the blessings. I have planned three trips for this year. My first trip is going to spend a few days in NC with friends, second is the cruise and the third is Atl to go see HER and after that...who knows I am also going to get season passes to Great Adventure the kids love that. The one thing thats great about having this type of money is you can have fun and still pay your bills. when the money hit the account thats the first thing I do because I have any type of fun....now...its time to have fun. Ok the kids are in the room sleeping hard I am going to go back and relax with thm its almost breakfast time so we are gonna have a nice weekend no stress no bs. For those who have attempted to call my phone just know I needed a break from that number, the blocked calls, the calls from my dads family all of that I needed a break from. I have a new number and those who I care about know how to get in touch with me...and those who don't matter...dont lol, but I do miss my number lol.
Well thats all for now

Until next time........

Bitter sweet

Ever wonder what my titles mean?? just ask

Yesterday I was handing out with the kids and we were getting dinner I was in the process of getting a salad when this guy comes up to me and tells me this story about how he had a flat tire and lived 45mins away and had no money for a tire. Now I have been approached for money before from strangers but this time I just happened to not have a lot of cash on me. I explained to him that I only had two dollars on me and he said he would take that and ask more people. I even thought about just going to the tire place with him and using my card but I had the kids and didnt want to put them in danger. I rolled up the window while I was getting the dollars and then my son and daughter all of a sudden pull all the money they have in their pockets out to give to this man so he could get a tire. I am a strong believer in helping people who need it. We were all able to help and what touched me is my children are just as giving as i am and that was amazing.

Today at the twins school they were having pizza pj night and this is where you wear your pj's to school and have pizza and read books. I read to them in the classroom and it was so cute how everyone interacted with the story I was again touched by the innocents of a child. Some poeple spend so much time with the social lives or their love lives that they don't put in enough effort into their children. If your child spends more than two weekends at the baby sitters house so you can go out and do whateer then you are truly doing too much. If you are leaving your child late hours of the night to do random shit you are truly doing too much. I just spent some time thinking about the few "parents" i know and sometimes its sad.

Today was another weird point I havent talked to my therapist for a little while because I had a issue and now I went to her and it was refreshing and yet bitter sweet........point here is that she has helped me in amazing ways and I finally let go of things that should have been let go of years ago....its great to know the truth about things and people and once you know the truth you don't hold a grudge you just realize they werent even worth your time or effort and I am a better person for it. Also some people will always get what they have been getting because they keep doing the same things. Like why expect something different dont expect someone to love you when you dont even know how to love yourself dont expect someone to love you when you stalk them into being with you dont expect someone to love you when you are obviously desperate yet claim you can have anyone...if you could have anyone then why keep dealing with the same sorry fucked up people...maybe...because...youre not worth anyone good maybe you don't have shit to offer but the bottom of the barrel.
well i am watching bad girls club....then imma pass out

Until next time......

busy

Can you believe I have actually been too busy to blog and tweet like I used to. It feels good I cant lie but everyone needs a day off lol. So I don't really want to talk about me but I went to watch the news and read a couple of things online and I cant find anything that actually catches my eye in the world. There are obvious things going on with other countries and not that I am not sympathetic to it all its just not something I want to blog about. I was reading the Wall Street Journal a few mins ago and there was an artical about Sam's club discussing the downsizing of jobs by 11,000. Thats such a huge number and such a horrible thing to even consider. All the jobs that are being cut are for its part time employees. Its sad to think that someone could be working part time because they need extra income or they are working part time because their schedule with their children does not permit them to hold a full time job either way its horrible. One of the reasons that they are cutting the jobs is because of the outsourcing thats going on with them and Walmart. With a store like Sam's club who sells things in bulk there is always a change that a company can feel as though they will make more money with selling in smaller quanitites. One thing about Sam's is that they do charge you a fee to be a "member" so in order to buy in bulk there is a charge per year also some assume you are saving a lot of money in these types of wholesale places but you need to do your research on the items you select. When I was pregnant with the twins everyone told me it would be best if I shopped there for pampers and baby food they way I determined if this was financially smart is I went there and price their papmers and came up with a per pamper cost (by takeing the price of the box and dividing by the number of pampers) then I went to Walmart and did the same thing with a smaller box but one that was not on sale and I came to find that in fact I wasnt going to save any money just simply time. The reason one can benifit from this store if you are not saving money is if you don't want to make several trips to the store and regardless of cost you just want to make one trip then yes this is the place for you. I personally feel as though if I want to save money and time I will simply ask the Walmart store for what I want but in a larger quanity...be paitient and wait for them to get it from the back.

In a more personal news my twins start daycare tomorrow. Its been 2 years since they have been in daycare and I know its going to be an emotional day for me. They went last week and spent some time with the children in their class to just do a trial run and they loved it. My biggest concern was my youngest twin because he is very clingy but he did just fine I actually made him think I was leaving so I could go do paper work and about an hour and a half later I went to get him from his class and he didnt want to leave. It was amazing and we are truly blessed. I am so happy for the boys as I have said before this has been long coming. Ok well its time to turn in the boys are already in the bed sleeping ready for their big day tomorrow. Good night and God bless.
Until next time.........

Process

Everything in life is a process. I am spending a lot of time getting things together in my life and making sure everything is well thought out. I am known for making quick moves and not taking the time to think them through. The one thing I tend to forget is at least for today God has given me the time to do what needs to be done and thinking about tomorrow is just that a thought, if tomorrow doesnt come for me then I know I did what I was supposed to do on this present day and tomorrow is a gift from God and I shall do the same. So as I was saying I am doing things now and I promise the more I do the more things come up that I want or need to do and for some reason I am able to go through with them all. Just recently I was handling some things and me and the boys were out and this lady came up to them saying how cute they were and how she would like her boss to see them. I thought it was bullshit but then an agency called me and before you know it we were at the photo shoot today. This was an experience for us all because this is something I never really didnt take the time to think about my boys modeling more of playing sports but all in all its an amazing thing and they had so much fun. My youngest twin was too funny with the camera man but they had a blast. This is something I can continue to do with them as needed. Now I am sitting here thinking about whats happening in the next month and I am way too excited. Things are going so great I am so blessed, I smile every night before I go to sleep, stress free...loving life. It too so long for me to get here and after 2 and a half years of wondering why I was there, why I was going through it, why what happened to me happened I can finally let it go and say "Neeve youre going to be just fine" I am blessed. Its almost 6pm and my stomach is feeling really tight, I think it was the crunches but anyway I am going to go hang out with the peoples for a little while. I will keep things updated when I have time but right now things are busy OOMMMGGGG big day coming Feb 13th and Feb 14th this valentines day is going to be amazing...lol *smile* ok im out

Until next time.......

Eventful

Yesterday was truly an evenful day. I am sitting here at 6:41 am drinking some juice and thinking about a million things all at once and I have been wanting to come to the blog but sometimes I like to think and see how things are going to play out before I do. Yesterday started off great got up early and worked out for 45 mins drank a lot of water ate a very light but healthy breakfast and was feeling energized. As the morning went on things started to get complicated and hard yet I was determined to maintain my level of energy. I got a phone call that was basically telling me that an ex friend of mine can no longer be my friend anymore because its uncomfortable for her girl. Now I have to admit I do understand why because we have recent unfriend type history but at the same time I explained to her this would happen she has always assured me that it wouldnt and sure enough it did. Its so fucked up because everytime I ride by her house my twins want to go see her or at least call her, now my daughter is re-into her asking about her all the time wanting to go spend time with her because she promised my daughter she could come spend the night just to get away and thats all gone now. What pisses me off is to me she is putting all this shit into someone who isnt worthy of her but hell who am I to judge. Its fortunate that I never took the time to learn her number by heart because I deleted all her contact information from my phone that way I am never tempted to send a random text or even a forward. I have to say yesterday I was hurt, today I am pissed off but hey.....I always knew it was bullshit from the start. So anyway I went on about the day doing what I had planned to do and as the day started to come to an end I started not to feel so good and I ended up having an anxiety attack. Now I normally don't have those unless I am driving to an unfamiliar place but I had one at home and that really threw me off. Sad part was the twins saw it and they didnt know what to do. Thankfully I came out of it as always I just think yesterday was a stressful day so that made my body unfamiliar with the emotions. Today is a new day I prayed so hard last night I even had someone very special to me pray for exactly what I need in my life right now (thank you) Today I will continue my grind oh yeah....I worked out for another hour last night so yesterday did a total of 1hour and 45 mins and right now, my body hurts but I'm about to turn the dvd on and gets the heart pumping. I am going to go for now but there will be updates at my life gets a little weird in the next couple of weeks.
Until next time..............

Look to yourself.

I was driving through Ct today and just thinking about things that have happened in my life and the people that are involved and the one thing that I thought about is I really have no one to look to. When I say look so I have no one to look up to or someone to strive towards in life. I remember being friends with this person name Sharon and she was very goal oriented and very driven in everything she did in her business life and personal life and nothing could stop her. Sure she had problems and issuses but she always made sure she came out on top and never let anyone or anything take her from her self. I admired that about her. In my current life there is no one who is like that in my life. I don't deal with anyone who I look at and can admire who they are or what they are doing. So thats why I have to look to myself, I have to be the model for me, I have to do what I set out to do, I have to be a "man" of my word and keep my life flowing as planned. It would be nice to converse with someone who has fought through their battles and won, instead of dealing with those who have failed, or those who are still striving for greatness, and there is nothing wrong with striving I just want to know someone who has already completed the journey. Ok I am getting sleepy now I just want to say this year has started off amazingly and I am so thankful for it. I apprecaite all the blessings I have been given.

Until next time......

yea im slackin

so i havent been blogging like im supposed to because when the kids are home on school vaca i dont mess with the computer and they are the only thing on my mind so i am focused, right now i am kinda telling about the upcoming blog. I am going to do a blog about my past year and what I see for this year because we are in control of most of our lives and i can do what I can do make this a great year, better than any other and I feel like its getting off to a great start. I am also going to do more poetry and words this year because I enjoy doing it and its like self help. I am going to talk about something real quick that some of my readers may not like but gosh damn I gotta say it. Now I am a very sexual person when I am with the right one, I don't care what kinds sex shit just give it to me..yea...so anyway imma talk about my girl for a minute cause she truly earned her spot. Me and her been together for about a year now and we been through some weird shit and she has done an amazing job of being everything I want and need in my life but one thing she has always been able to do is fuck...umm I cant put it in any other words than that. When you start having sex with someone new sometimes they have to learn your spots and what you like man this nigga goes at it hard as hell with no questions asked she just does what comes naturally to her and it blows my fucking mind. I am not a fan of oral sex and wasnt that into straps like I enjoy penetration but she fucks as if she was born with the dyck and thats something only a pro can understand. for the past three days she has been fucking me all night and all morning her stamina is amazing i dont know if its the red bull or wha (lmao inside joke) she is amazing like I would put her ass in a porno. I am blogging about this because I have never met someoene who could put me to sleep and even tho im tired as hell keep fucking me and make me stay up I mean damn. Ok so imma give some pointers real quick before she comes home cause she already told me what she expectin tonight so here goes....studs if you strapping and you feel like you hurtin her...KEEP GOING..that shit is hot, choke me, pull my hair, call me ya bitch, slut, whore whatever choice of words you chose, fuck me from the front side, back dont matter, flip me over and make me ride ya shit until you finish cummin in me......whew....she does it all the oral is on fucking point the 4play oommmmggggggg i cum every damn time....ok umm im done for now i am saying here and now if youre sex isnt what i listed above...coming at me is pointless lmao cause she got it...smh i cant even speak when we are done...literally. Ok i gotta go this one was all over the place so imma get ready for her cause she doesnt give me time to think once she gets started lol. So for all my readers if ya girl aint pleasing you to the point you arent paralized then...SHE AINT FUCKING YOU RIGHT..and for my exes that feel some kinda way about this...dont.....it is what it is...and for my potentials...lemme see wha u working wit..lmaooo lemme stop

until next time
ps...i am no long a virgin to anal....and ummm *faint* no words for that one