Sigh

I can say I blog for two reasons. one is to just get my thoughts and ideas out and when i go back and read them it helps me and to help others. There are people who read my blog and come to me expressing how they are going through or feeling the same things and appreciate the fact that I dont hide it I actually take the time to express whats going on in my life. Today has been the hardest day of this year so far. Last night I had a dream about my mom and this dream felt so damn real to me we were actually doing stuff around the house and everything was as it used to be. Waking up and realizing she is still gone did something horrible to me mentally and physically. I spent the entire day laying around thinking about her crying for her wishing she was here. While I do understand why she is gone and its best for her it doesnt stop the hurt that I feel on a daily basis. Alot of days its easy I speak to her tell her I love her and miss her and then a day like this comes and I honestly just want to die so I can be closer to her. Now I am not going to kill myself or anything like that I just want to be near her, talk to her, spend time with her again like we used to. Sometimes my phone rings and I think its her or I go to my phone wanting to call her yet I realize she isnt here with me on earth anymore. Today drained me in so many ways. I got a few texts and imz I responded to one or two but mosetly I kept to myself. I am so sad its crazy but I will come out of it. I am going to go see her Sunday, thats going to be hard but maybe thats what I need to do, i havent been in a while so its time now to go. Losing her has been the hardest thing ever in my current life. Having my father still here and not being able to talk to him because he is a complete jerk makes it that much harder. I spent today wondering why she is gone and he is here and what I came up with was....She was too good for this earth and he is here still suffering. I need to do everything within my power to remain here and healthy for my children i am all they have at this point and i have to keep going if not for myself then for them. I love them with all my heart and for them...my life will continue.

Until next time......