why im me and you're you

I am sitting up in my bed trying to organize some music because the cable guy has been here all day and there isnt much you can do when someone is in your house. I cleaned up everything earlier this morning so this is all that’s left to keep occupied because I can’t even leave the house. Anyway so out of boredom and frustration I have come to the blog to express some things. I had a conversation today that didn’t go the way I thought it would, when I first made the phone call I kinda thought it was going to be a pleasant update of whats going on in their lives but it turned ugly really fast. Now I am used to our convos not going the way it should but now its seems like I was being put on the chopping block for being…”Neeve” and now I will take the time to address the issues brought to me.
I was told that I am very wishy washy and I make people conform to my lifestyle and if they cant fit in then they wont be in and I don’t compromise. I feel like this ‘get in where you fit in” and the reason I feel that way is because I am not going to spend my life changing who I am and what I am about for the next person who could be there today and gone tomorrow. I wont and do not plan on dedicating my life to an individual. I have chosen to dedicate my life to my children and those are the only people I feel are deserving of dedication. Now I do believe in relationships but at the same time people are going to be people and I will be damned if I let the next persons love for me or lack of love control my moods or emotions. I keep myself safe from harm and heartache as much as possible. I heard about how I wake up one day wanting to be a stud and the next wanting to be femme and I have a identity problem. I don’t have a problem at all with who I am I have a problem with people who have a problem with who I am. If I want to put on baggy jeans today and a tight ass shirt tomorrow then that’s what I am going to do because as a lesbian its not the clothes I wear its my personality and that never changes. I am me because God made me this way and my upbringing had a lot to do with it. I have been through a lot in my years and will continue to go through things but I don’t like being judged by my outside apprearance. The one thing that is right that the person was talking about is if its not my way then be gone. The reason I am this way is so many people spend so much time unhappy with the person they chose as a mate that they never find true happiness. They submit to the first person who shows some kind of interest and then settle. I will be damned if I settle for anything, I want what and who I want and that’s what I will have…all or nothing. I was thinking about this persons like and where they are now and really its amazing how they can come at me about who I am when I am in a very good, happy, comforable place in my life. See I have watched them be hurt many many people, used, taken advantage, and beat mentally and why you ask…because they were looking for love. Now I am looking at where they are right now and yes working a nice job, living a finacially nice life but are they truly happy? Have they gotten all the world has to offer? Or are they hiding behind money and materialistic things? I say hiding. One can never be happy until you are content with yourself and your mind. Moving people in and out, pretending to play house when it’s in shambles, saying you love someone who has show that you mean nothing to them, going hard for someone who’s biggest concern is partying and drinking and having fun…like really come on now you cant be happy in that life, you cant really expect me to believe this is what you want. Now I am not sitting here trying to come down on anyone because life will continue but I am a person that believes get what you want from life and if someone other than you stands to benefit then great.
I have taken a close look at my relationship many times over the year her and I have been together and its really no different than any other one. She goes hard for me like they all have, she will walk to the end of the earth for me like they all have, the big differenence here is ME. I chose to appreciate her instead of disrespecting her over and over like I have all my exes. She didn’t change me…let me respeat SHE DIDN’T CHANGE ME.. I changed me because of what I did to others in my past. You cant go on in life like that. I truly wish I had changed over a year ago and things would have been different but I thank god for allowing me to have the strength to change because some female would have ended up killing me. I am not perfect hell I cheated on my girl more than once that’s a mistake I have chosen not to make again. I realized it takes a lot of power to cheat but it takes a lot of heart not to and its so pointless…shit what came out of it, not a damn thing. So all is this to say I am happy, blessed, and looking forward to a wonderful year with my children, family, friends, co-workers, and my girlfriend. I may not have the same friends next year, or the same co-workers or the same girlfriend but I will have my children and my family and I will have ME and love me until I die. If you don’t know how to love you, how the fuck can I? Show me you are a WOMAN who is out to please her offspring and not just someone who wants a relationship and a social life then maybe one day we can sit down and discuss the future. Ok guys that’s all for now and oh feeling a way about this blog is pointless I said what I said….nothing else to it

Until next time……