Being simply random

Ok so I was thinking about many different things I wanted to blog about but I realized that there are just certain things I am not ready to put out there for the world to see. I am not the move private person in the world but lately I have been thinking about what I do want people to know and what I don't want people to know (at this point) I have been doing a lot of regretting lately and that's so weird but again I have been going through different points of regret through the years and now here I am. I often wonder what if? I wonder so much I begin to fantasize about the what ifs. I am not going to get to the point where I let my fantasy over take my reality at this point but I do need to find some type of outlet for it so that way I don't go around fucking up happy homes and shit. I have been getting closer to my therapist Kim she has become very helpful and I am so very honest with her about everything because I never believed you should lie to either your doctor or your therapist because if you do you can never truly be helped. So I was in my therapy meeting and a couple of names came up and I was asking her what should I do and for the first time she just looked at me and said nothing, so I looked behind me kind of wondering if she was looking through me or at me and she just smiled...like as if she finally had a break through. It was too cute. I think one of my biggest problems is that I can become numb to almost anything in life and its only because if I took the time to feel everything I go through in life I would have killed myself a long time ago so I had to learn to ignore things. In turn I have hurt a lot of people and felt nothing about it because I don't know how to feel at all. I feel for my children but even at a point I can be numb to them if I don't pay attention. That's one of my hardest battles in life is going to be opening up. I have so many reasons I should not feel I have so many fears of feeling. The one emotion I have been blessed (yes I said blessed) to be able to turn on and off when I want is being in love. I can love and be around someone but actually being in love is something that I can turn off when I want to or at least I think I can. Now that benefits me because I haven't been through hurt of any kind (or at least that I can recall) and that's so helpful but at the same time I have lost a lot of respect and love from others because I did not treat them right. I am learning now how to open up and allow myself to feel things that I never allowed myself to feel but because of my current situation in life I also turn it off and become numb really quick. If I am feeling too much to a point where I am feeling like I am going to "reach" (if you don't know what reaching is...this isn't directed towards you) that's when I go into denial and just shrug it off. Well I am going to read a couple of things online and blog about some other things besides myself. It may be time to go ahead and make this blog public......being I don't blog on myspace anymore.