Well today has been a roller coaster of emotions. I have never felt so many damn emotions in one day its really crazy. I went from going to sleep pissed the hell off, waking up sad because of weird dreams then going to work and being so happy because I was at work and also because once again I am still ranked highest in my team. Then going to the gym feeling so damn focused I tried to work my ass off in there then coming home taking a nap, bad dreams again, then getting pissed off all over again and knowing the night will end just like this. I am sitting here holding back tears because I am convincing myself I don't need to cry, I can deal with whats going on in life I will be ok with this situation. The only reason why I feel like the tears are pushing through is because I am not doing such a good job of convincing myself that this is going to change. Being unhappy is a horrible thing when you cant see a better day when you cant imagine a day where you can smile all day where you don't know how to make things better. I feel like I have a lump in my throat...part of me is saying "go ahead cry neeve get it out" and the other part says "no just keep typing it will come out through your words" I want to call my father and talk to him he is the only family that I am semi close to but being we haven't talked in over a month just makes me wanna hold it all in. Is there a way out for me? Will my life continue to be this way? Is the only happiness I have is when I am with the kids?
I am watching house and there is a female Dr on here who is bi and her girlfriend or her fling came in to the hospital with what she thought was a spider bite long story short she had to tell the lady she was dying, the part that just broke me down (yes into tears) was that they were both laying in the hospital bed and I remember watching my mother laying there in that same type of situation and its horrible to have someone you love pass away or even think they are going to pass away. I am sitting here once again realizing life is so damn short too short for holding back feelings and emotions, too short to not go after what you want in life, too short to not just be a go getter. I will continue on my journey no matter how hard it may be, no matter how many pit stops I hit or obstacles that come my way I will continue tears and all. Even grown men cry...why should I be any different?
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