Trick or Treat

Today was halloween and I have to say it was one of the nicer onces because they weather was really nice. I can't remember a halloween where the weather was nice and it didnt rain. Now I came down to just take the kids out but I somehow ended up with 3 extra children..now thats all together 7 children going trick or treating. I have to say at first I was a little pissed off because thats alot of children to watch but now it was all well worth it. We all had so much fun, everyone had a lot of candy and we all laughed so hard....I loved it. There is nothing more important than spending time with family.
My life is kinda....strange these days. I go through a lot of ups and downs where I am trying to figure out so much and I always feel like I can't think with a clear mind because there is always so much going on. I try my best but sometimes its just so hard. I feel like life is in the right direction and I love that feeling. Things are going on in my mind and in my heart that I am not sure of at this point but I will see how things play out before I actually decide how I truly feel about it. I don't want to make any quick decisions about things or emotions or thoughts I just want to see how things play out because lord knows I can go with how I feel and fuck my whole life up lmao. Anyway I have been having serious problems sleeping and its driving me crazy. I am on meds to help me sleep (no shame in that) yet they don't work past 4am so 4am every night I am wide awake and its driving me crazy I can't stand it....ok...im done with that convo for tonight the kids are sugar wired and I love it, now we are going to watch cartoons and see who falls asleep last...anyone who knows my children knows the baby "Bird" will be the last awake.

still sick

This is so weird I have had the same cold for a month now... the only thing my dr can come up with right now is steriods and thats something i am not messing with right now because I would be a bitch on that shit. Ok anyway I dont have much I really want to talk about I just wanted to share some words and go on to bed. Now that I am writing and this spacebar is sticking its pissing me off. Anyway I am blessed and in good spirits things arent perfect but I will keep praying on them and wish everyone else would too. some people wallow in it...and others let it go, imma let it go.

	Well i wanted to just express some thoughts as they have come to mind. Yesterday i felt low but at the same time hopefull and that is something i am thankful for. Life is stressful these days being out of work yet i keep looking for the positive in it all. Im doing my best at this point and i will keep pushing no matter what. I often think of giving up but to be honest i have no idea what giving up means besides killing yourself and my life isnt that bad. Its been just me and the boys for a while and its a good time for me to reconnect as mommy. I appreciate the time with them. i dont have many friends and im cool with that the people i do consider my friends are going through some things. Why is it that people complain when someone isnt there and when u try to be there they shut u out and when u stop trying they say ur not there for them? Well imma go take the boys to the store.

	I am up feeling all kinds of ways. I remember living in ct being home with kids and feeling like life was ok i mean i wasnt perfect but i was comfortable. Now i feel very uncomfortable who knew it would take almost two years or more for me to get back on track. With all the ups and downs of just today i have done my best not to feel sorry for myself or my situation instead before i fall alseep tonight i will pray to god that tomorrow is better and will make me stronger. The interview went well today i may have to do a second interview but thats cool its all worth it in the end. I am going to try to get some sleep i am feeling so low today a hug would be nice but then again i am laying here with my boys and i cant ask for more than that. I appreciate the people who are currently in my life. They are great....ok im sad im going to sleep.

Big day tomorrow

I will make sure i get on my knees and pray on this one. I hope all goes well tomorrow in all that I have to do. i am excited, nervous and blessed. ok...goodnight i will update tomorrow i hope good news

My Pride....

So I just spent 30 mins on the phone with a friend..associate...well I don't know what the hell to call her but yeah I was talking and I had to come here and express somethings. I was explaining to her in short where my life is right now and where it is headed. I think people spend time in life unhappy, going through life not truly experiencing posibilites of life and just going on with life as normal. My mother was one of those people. While i am sure she had some fun in her life she spent 90% of life unhappy wondering why she made the choices she did. Now I am 32 and I have to say good gosh I have made some stupid and fucked up choices but I have made them and learning from them. My friend seems to think I have the ability to numb my feelings a emotions and truly thats not the case. I don't pick and chose what emotions I can ignore and turn off just my mind does it for me. If I let everything break me I would have killed myself a long time ago. Now that might be a good thing but then at the same time I have hurt people and also missed out on the one emotion I am just now understanding and thats Love.

Its about 6:30 or so and I am in the process of cleaning the house and waiting for the twins to come home and I am cooking them chicken. I can't help but to keep wondering things, like my mind is racing in a million places. One place my mind wont wonder into is the past I am strictly looking at the present and thinking about what my next move is going to be. I was wondering about someone and wanting to know their every thought their every emotion but I have to step away from that, I have to let that one go because she is grown and she is going to do whats best in her life and I have to do the same. Right now my main focus is going back to work and decideing where I want to work, there are a few options out here and I will let God show me the way. Im in a good place right now, while the last couple of days have made me think about things, made me feel weird I wont drown myself with that. If someone can go to me and say...Yo what happened happened and thats it...who am I to say thats not it. lmao..I am sitting here laughing becuase for once...I feel used..and its making me laugh cause damn...thats wild..me...used??? lol anyway its owed...I got that. Anyway imma finish cooking they will be here at 7 then I gotta turn that mommy face on and continue with my day. Monday is going to be an exciting yet nervous day for me and I am happy about that. I will say more...on Monday. Oh and ummm QUE...u suck ass lmao ok im done.

Bad Habits

Its 1:20am and I am sitting here can't sleep, not wanting to go to sleep. Feeling so many different emotions that I can't even put into words. I have been trying to figure out how I feel and certain things but then I go into denial about it all. Tonight I tried my best to put myself in another place, tried my best to be the Neeve I once was so recently, yet my heart is involved. My heart is telling me things my mind doesnt want to believe. I want to just be who I was, that fucked up heartless bitch, that ego driven sex phene bitch women wanted to kill in my sleep. yet today i stand here heart hurting, feeling a level of pain I am not used to. Wanting to rewind time not even just rewind tonight but rewind months and months make me who I am now..but then. I should have been the woman I am now then, I should have known better. I am alone right now...feeling all these emotions alone and thats ok, i don't have a problem with being alone I have a problem of wondering how she feels, wondering where her mind is, wondering what I did wrong. I am not the me I once was, I am the me now, the me I am supposed to be but who knew I would be this me alone. I am listening to Maxwell and damn...this song is nice kinda off subject but at the same time right on point. "Bad Habits" Anyway I felt like writing something, not much just something guess when ur up this late weird things come to mind.

touch me in ways you never did

touch me in ways you never wanted to

make me feel you world,

make me understand your pain

hurt me even when i say stop

bring me pain, make me bleed

i will scream you name and you wont say a word

be a criminal in your master mind plan

let me be your victim

seduce me with your words and rape me with your mind

i dont deserve no pleasure all i deserve is pain

hurt me.make me scream,,,make me cry

dont soothe me, dont hold me once your done

wrap your hands around my thoat while you fucking me

stop me from breathing

only allow me to breathe breaths you feel i should take

choke me until my eyes close

I belong to you tonight, I am yours

Do what you want to me do, i am forever in your debt

take whats yours, take your anger out on me

make me think that i am the one you want

when i am the one that you hate

make me believe you desire me, fool me into falling into your plan

touch me, fuck me and leave, dont look back

dont call, dont text, ignore me

i am nothing, i am worthless, i am useless

i deserved this pain i feel

my thoat still feels your grip

my pussy still throbs from the pain it has endured

i will form tears tonight as i cry

Yet I will smile knowing you finally got your revenge.

Today was all over the place but thats my life

Today started yesterday I had a lot to do because I knew I had to go out of town so when that happens I have to clean up wash clothes because I hate going out of town and leaving something at home so I have to make sure I brought everything I wanted and needed. This morning I felt rushed but at the same time I had to take a seat on the couch and just relax for a min and realize rushing the day isnt going to change things its just going to make me forget something. I wasnt nervous about today just more like wanting to do it and see whats going to happen next. I am so focused it makes me smile just thinking about it. I have an amazing drive once I put it to use I can do anything and thats what I am doing. I am doing what I want to do, what needs to be done and trying not to stress too much just enjoying life good and bad. In the process I was with a friend and that friend saw her neighbor, now usually my friend takes the neighbors son to the bus stop everyday but she stopped becuase she noticed the mother was taking advantage of her kindness. So now me and my friend are riding up the street and the mother runs out and asks if we have seen the boy. Now I have never seen this child in my life but she is looking at me like I should know where he is. My friend explained she hadnt seen him yet he should have been home over an hour ago becuae thats when his bus comes. After this conversation the neighbor asks if we can take her down the hill to search for her child. Now where I am its raining and about 50 degrees but the thought of a mother missing her child is killing me, also the fact she waited an hour to find him. Anyway we go looking and we find nothing, I offer to call the local police station and she says ok but she doesnt want to talk because she is too shooken up. Now I am asking this woman who i dont know her sons name and age, I call the police and they tell me someone has him so we have to GPS where the child is...now this is wild. The child decided (at 9 years old) he wanted to go to his friends house then tell his friends mom he doesnt know how he got there, then told his friend he cant remember his mothers name so the mother called the police. OMG all of that for nothing, I wanted to kick his ass myself but the mother is going to handle that, we were thinking the worse of the situation because from what my friend tells me there are men seen in the area that are trying to take children...sad so sad. Now today there was also a little boy that almost everyone was watching on tv was said to be in a hot air balloon and once they got the balloon down he wasnt there so they thought he may have fell out,,,,, after hours of media coverage the boys was found hiding in the attic of his parents home. What the hell is wrong with these children. Why do they work so hard at being a pain in the ass lol. I am thankful for my children love them to death but man oh man I was kick they ass something serious if they pull stunts like that. Anyway I gotta run busy not...busy day tomorrow. Until next time..be safe.

Sex love and pain????

Ok so as yall know I am always listening to music and it makes me think of things or people then I come here and share. So today has been a really nice day last night was kinda weird could have went in many directions but Treece kept me focused...until she wanted to hit the casino lol. anyway today was nice and its still nice i am sitting here watching the boys watch tv about to make some dinner and looking forward to a nice week of working towards life accomplishments. this week will bring a lot of clarity for me and my situation, I am going to grind this thing out and make some drastic changes but well thought out changes. The past couple of months I have been just making moves but all in the same direction like walking in circles, steady walking but going no where. sometimes you have to sit still just to think and get your thoughts together. I know for me its hard to talk about my situation to people because its like admitting you were wrong, admitting you made a huge mistake and you cant change what you have done, you cant go back in time, and even your apology isnt going to change the situation. I have had times like that in my life, regret and emotions but now its harder than ever. I just want to call and say..I'm sorry, I love you, come back...but that wont change what has happened in the past, that wont make things right. I have to do this on my own, I have to first forgive myself for what I have done then maybe after time all can be forgiven. I cant sit and focus on that, I know she is happy with her life now, I know things are where she wants them to be and I am happy for her, now I have to work on me.

so now i have a serious ass headache damn man this shit is hurting lol yet I am playing Tank loud as hell on my headphones *shrug* Ok I think thats it for now I have spilled all my life to yall enough for now. Note for today is...instead of just living life and making mistakes, try learning from that mistake and do your best not to make it again, see I make them again and again but in different ways...until next time.

Love of my life

So I am in the process of cleaning up and starting the day so I had to put on some music while I was cleaning I forgot to put the computer on continuous play so it kept playing the same song over and over and this is a beautiful song. Now I am listening to something else but I figured there was a reason so I decided to post the lyrics.

Love of My Life Lyrics

Verse I
it's really over now she aint comin back I really don't know how things ever got this bad cause I [I said sorry way too much] [but this time sorry's aint enough] and now she's gone and it's only now that I realize how much she means to me cause I

Chorus I
I could loose a car even body parts still i'll live but still can't live without the love of my life

and everybody knows money comes and goes there's never enough but still aint much with out the love of my life

Verse II
I thought that I was right for tryina be the man I was hustlin to provide but I guess I didn't understand that [I thought I was makin a livin for us] [all the while I was just killin us] and that's why she's gone cause she's tired of fightin and I'm tryina find what I should do to get her back cause I

[Love of My Life Lyrics On http://www.elyricsworld.com/ ]

Chorus II
Bridge
cause right now [there aint nothin in this world] that matters [that matters more than my girl] so no matter what I [gotta make it right] cause she's been [since she been there for so] I aint myslef no [I aint me when I'm all alone] now I don't know if there's anything I can do but I gotta find my way back to her heart

[back to her heart, back to her heart, back to her heart, back to her heart]

I'm so sorry for everything I ever did but if you leave me now I don't think that I can handle it I don't deserve another but if you just give me one more i'll give you a better man

Well blogger Im back. Its about 2pm on thursday and this has been an
interesting week. I made a choice with my job it was a hard choice to
make but I made it and with Gods help everything is going to be ok. I
went to the casino the other night and actually won. I haven't been in a
long time so that was nice and I am glad I won cause that money is going
straight to bills. Lol people always get new money and say they will put
it on bills but don't shit not I. Lets see what else..ooohhhh yea im
watching spiderman and its actually good lol. I don't have much I wanna
express here somethings are better left unsaid. everyone remain blessed.

Hey world

Ok so today is one of those days where I am not doing anything but I'm feeling good about things. It happens to be my moms bday and I am blessed enough to be a in good mental place to deal with it in a good way. I miss her very much but I am not going to blog about that. This weekend has been nice its raining here but all in all its a peacefull weekend. I have a lot to do this upcoming week and I am looking forward to new things. I have decided to not look at blogs or pages of past people because really some people are meaningless to me and whats in the past needs to be left there its like once you throw out the trash you don't go get it you leave that shit in the garbarge, so I am leaving the trash where it belongs. In other news Kandi from House wives of atl was killed last night in a club he was working on and thats terrible. Life is so short too short to have ill feelings. Kandies mom on the show had a problem with him because he had 6 kids by like 4 different women and I have to say I had my feelings about it too but who can say why he wasnt with them and why it didnt work out and maybe he was a player at that time but maybe he found the right woman or maybe he was at a point in his life where he was ready to makes changes for himself. See people cant be judge by their past errors they may have made they really have to be taken for face vaule until they do something directly to you to prove who they are now. Some are ready for change and some are still climbing the latter. Its sad she lost him in that way and thats another sign that we all need to look at every day as our last and should not hold onto ill feelings about poeple. I personally realized if I can not hate my father, not hate the father of my children then there is nothing more anyone can do to me to make me hate them. I am a very forgiving person, yea imma be mad for a while but for the most part I have an open heart I guess thats the virgo in me I don't like to admit. So everyone have a blessed night. Kiss the ones you love and remember to whisper I love you, to the ones who arent with you at this present moment. I will make sure I say a prayer for you all who read and those who don't .......Im imma go play pacman with the kids we got a battle going on in here at 10:45pm lol

Well im driving home from work and my phone doesn't like this certain
highway so I can't talk but I can write lol. Anyway I was talking to
this girl Freaky (yes that's her nick name and no I didn't give it to
her lol) and she is in the service. She was telling me all her likes and
dislikes but she was saying she finally has a girlfriend and that's so
good cause she has been single for a year because of her career. I fully
understand why she made the career move but it was hard because she does
have a child and she is away a lot and her mom has her son and its sad.
The one thing she had me thinking on is the fact that her new girl has
kids and since her and the girl been dating the girl wants to bring the
kids to the army base. Freaky said she told her girl (just like this) I
DON'T SEE MY SON EVERYDAY WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL I LOOK LIKE SPENDIN
TIME WIT URS. Now she is from SC and her accent is sooo strong that shit
had me rolling but I understood where she was coming from. My children
usually go with their father for the summer and during that time ion
wanna be around no kids but mine.....so this blog is a shout out for
freaky. (Aka Cynthia...yup I put ya gov out there lol) but in her words.
If u don't see ya own damn kid everyday and u wit someone elses u a aint
shit momma..or yea that goes for daddies too. Ok gotta go phone ringing
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