My head hurts

Well I havent been writing as much, not as though I don't have things to write about I just havent wanted to put them here at the moment. Omg today I have a horrible headache and I cant seem to knock it I hope that by taking a nap it will go away. I am goin to the gym tonight with a friend and I needed that motivation right now in my life because I was slacking off on that work out schedule. ok really I am going to go to sleep now...until lata...

My Saturday

Today was truly a nice day. It start off kind of weird considering I am still dealing with some current issues about my father and also I had the worst cramps in the world so needless to say I was a little off this morning. As the day went on things seemed to get better yet my mood was kind of ....numb yet in still the kids are always that quick pick up I need to get me out of any slump I may be in. We went out for about 2 hours and they played and its always nice to see them smile. Thats the wonderful thing about children no matter whats goin on in life they can still smile and take the time to enjoy whats going on right then in there. As I watched them play a lot of thoughts came down on me hard but no matter how my thoughts went they kept even me smiling. I have learned a lot in the past 24 hours and I have to say....while life sends you through different things you are always able to see the good side of things if you allow yourself to. I feel ok right now. I can't say I have reached my peek of happiness or anything like that but I am in an ok place in life and for that I am thankful. Another week is ahead and I am sure there will be more challenges but I will battle them all head on and alone because you dont need anyone to battle with you, it just makes the fight easier...lol

Ok its about 11pm I am going to go ahead and lay down with the two men that are now in my bed lmao and enjoy this time and no focus on tommorrow or the next day.

I am blessed...thats all

OMG

today seemed to have gone on forever. i finally finished this book I was reading it was really good I will write about it later. As of right now I had a lot on my mind but i swear it left my thoughts just as I started typing lmao guess I am tired...nii nii

blah

LIFE IS MOVING SLOW....BUT I GUESS THATS JUST IT FOR NOW...A LOT ON MY MIND I WILL SLEEP IT OFF LOL

How things change

Ok sooooo i am feeling all weird and stuff inside there are so many things I want to talk about but somethings are better left unsaid so for now I will say THANK YOU ...to you and I appreicate this new found friendship we have its amazing if i knew we would be here now i would have made the right steps before but now i know and thank you for being a TRUE FRIEND to me...umm I LOVE YOU..uh huh yup I said it lmao. See u tonight.....um what movie are we going to see?? *shrug* anyway see ya. Oh if you read this and you don't mind me putting your name here let me know..until then you will remain my best kept secret.

k ..im out

Happy Fathers day? (I guess)

Well this day never really mean much to me, I am sure it did when I was really young but growing up I never liked my father. He was a very abusive man and thats something its hard for a child to let go of. He never did anything right in my eyes because of what he put me and my mother through. After my mom passed in 2002 I did my best to forgive him for this wrong and understand I couldnt change what happened but I can learn to move on from it. My mother always wanted him and I to have a relationship but I was hell bent on not doing it. After about a year or so after my mom passed I made contact every now and then but didnt become too close to him. Once I was preg with the twins is when I spoke to God and God gave me the strength to let things go and him and I were there for eachother. There were times when he would piss me off and we would go back and forth I would seperate myself from him because he still has ways that I just don't agree with but all in all I love my father. Recently my father has been going off on the deep end with me and I am tired of forgiving and letting go but I havent spoken to him in about a month so last night I called him to say Happy fathers day. i explained to my father I deeply forgive him for his wrong and I understand that in his eyes he did the best he could with what he had at that time and he didnt understand how life changing his actions would become. After I did all that my father goes on to tell me how he doesnt agree with my lifestyle (me being a lesbian) and how no matter what I am going to do what I am going to do and I will pay for that at some point and learn and now he just loves the twins more than me, he also said he called the kids father and wished him a happy fathers day. Now this tore me up so bad because not only did he not call me for mothers day my childrens father is also abusive yet he called him. i am disgusted with my father like I am tired of crying over him and how he treats me. People keep telling me to forgive him but I cant allow him to keep hurting me like its ok..I am 31 and at this point I should be able to walk away from him. I am going to talk to God and my mother and let her know in my heart I have tried and I continue to try but at this point I have to give up....Ok..thats all

Confessions.....

Today as I said before was one of those days where I am not looking for any type of happiness or anything really it was just a blah day all day for me and then the day was coming to an end and I noticed my mood started going in the right direction and I did not fight it or ask myself why. I have been talking to God a lot these days and something I noticed today was that I take a lot of calls everyday and I just realized how many people bless me each day. these people dont know me and will never see me nor even talk to me again but God has put it in their hearts to say "God bless you" and everytime its said to me I smile and say the same to them. Its amazing the effect God can have on your life once you start to understand and move towards him. I wouldnt not say I am a non sinner or anything like that but I do have God in my life and I am happier becacause of it. I am going through some really rough stuff right now and sometimes I just want to throw in the towel but that wouldnt be like me at all to do so I have to keep fighting, the one thing I have learned that you have to be honest with people even if it will hurt them. I have been honest with some and others I have sheltered from the truth in order to not hurt them but now I feel like this. Appreciate my honesty and in the long run you will be ok with my truths. I am not here to hurt anyone but just to live and take care of me and the kids. I have been talking back and forth with an...friend? ex? well I dont know what I want to call her right now but anyway things are going ok with that just sometimes I feel so onesided like she knows everything about me and I know nothing about her......maybe because I am so much more open than her or maybe my level of craziness in my life amuses her. I am sitting here feeling like that but all in all its my choice to talk or not to talk about whatever problems I may or may not be having. I am gonna go work out and let off this stress. Kids home tomorrow and nothing or no one can stop that from bringing joy to my life. Tonight is going to be quiet...its always like that before they come home but house is clean and all is ok....for now. I am going to go now because thats it for the blog today.

------ever miss someone and feel like youre feelings are pointless and useless...so you keep them to yourself?

Ok lata blog

Its almost over

So today I am really drained and tired from a lot of different things. Working out is wonderful but it makes you tired, I need to get some meds to keep me perked up through the day but I cant wait to work out today. Heading to CT tomorrow gotta do some stuff in talking to my cousin last night seems like all is the same with the family I just have to keep pushing to not become part of the cycle of just weird stuff lol she knows what I mean. I am actually just finishing lunch and I read something about my sign today. I love being a virgo (weird but true) so much I got a tat that says virgo (show yall later) and umm yeah I am going to post it here its kinda long but read it and if you know a virgo i am sure it applies. I will blog again maybe tomorrow or later sometime I have a lot of thoughts but nothing I want to express here i am going to hold all thoughts to myself until next week and see if these current thoughts will disappear

The Virgin August 23 to September 23 Traditional Virgo Traits Modest and shy Meticulous and reliable Practical and diligent Intelligent and analytical On the dark side.... Fussy and a worrier Overcritical and harsh Perfectionist and conservative Dating For A Serious Relationship Virgo! About Your Sign... Virgo is the only zodiacal sign represented by a female. It is sometimes thought of as a potentially creative girl, delicately lovely; sometimes as a somewhat older woman, intelligent but rather pedantic and spinsterish. The latter impression is sometimes confirmed by the Virgoan preciseness, refinement, fastidious love of cleanliness, hygiene and good order, conventionality and aristocratic attitude of reserve. They are usually observant, shrewd, critically inclined, judicious, patient, practical supporters of the status quo , and tend toward conservatism in all departments of life. On the surface they are emotionally cold, and sometimes this goes deeper, for their habit of suppressing their natural kindness may in the end cause it to atrophy, with the result that they shrink from committing themselves to friendship, make few relationships, and those they do make they are careful to keep superficial. But the outward lack of feeling may, in some individuals born under this sign, conceal too much emotion, to which they are afraid of giving way because they do not trust others, nor do they have confidence in themselves and their judgments. This is because they are conscious of certain shortcomings in themselves of worldliness, of practicality, of sophistication and of outgoingness. So they bring the art of self concealment to a high pitch, hiding their apprehensiveness about themselves and their often considerable sympathy with other people under a mantle of matter-of-factness and undemonstrative, quiet reserve. They are still waters that run deep. Yet in their unassuming, outwardly cheerful and agreeable fashion, they can be sensible, discreet, well spoken, wise and witty, with a good understanding of other people's problems which they can tackle with a practicality not always evident in their own personal relationships. Both sexes have considerable charm and dignity, which make some male Virgoans appear effeminate when they are not. In marriage they can be genuinely affectionate, making good spouses and parents, but their love making is a perfection of technique rather than the expression of desire, and they must be careful not to mate with a partner whose sex drive requires a passion they cannot match. They are intellectually enquiring, methodical and logical, studious and teachable. They combine mental ingenuity with the ability to produce a clear analysis of the most complicated problems.. They have an excellent eye for detail but they may be so meticulous that they neglect larger issues. Also, although they are realists, they may slow down projects by being too exact. They are practical with their hands, good technicians and have genuine inventive talents, Thoroughness, hard work and conscientiousness are their hallmarks, and they are such perfectionists that, if things go wrong, they are easily discouraged. Because of their ability to see every angle of a many-sided question, they are unhappy with abstract theorizing. Appreciating the many different points of view as they do, they find philosophical concepts difficult, and they vacillate and have no confidence in any conclusions at which they arrive. With these qualities, they are better as subordinates than leaders. Responsibility irks them and they often lack the breadth of strategic vision that a leader needs Virgoans are essentially tacticians, admirable in the attainment of limited objectives. Their self distrust is something they project on to other people and tends to make them exacting employers, though in the demands they make on those under them they temper this attitude with justice. They have potential abilities in the arts, sciences and languages. Language especially they use correctly, clearly, consciously and formally, as grammarians and etymologists rather than for literary interests, yet they are likely to have a good memory for apt quotations. Although they are well suited for careers in machine drawing, surveying and similar occupations, they are better fitted for a job in a library or office than a workshop. Their minds are such that they need the stimulus of practical problems to be solved rather than the mere routine or working to set specifications that need no thought. They are careful with money and their interest in statistics makes them excellent bookkeepers and accountants. They also make good editors, physicists and analytical chemists. They may also find success as welfare workers, ministering to those less fortunate than themselves. They can be doctors, nurses, psychologists, teachers, confidential secretaries, technologists, inspectors, musicians, critics, public speakers and writers especially of reference works such as dictionaries and encyclopedias. Both sexes have a deep interest in history, a feature recognized by astrological authorities for at least two hundred years. If they go in for a business career their shrewdness and analytical ingenuity could tempt them into dishonesty, though they usually have enough moral sense to resist temptation. Female Virgoans may find a career in fashion, for they have a flair for dress, in which they can be trend setters. In any profession they choose the natives of this sign readily assimilate new ideas, but always with caution, conserving what they consider worth keeping from the past. They love country life but are unlikely to make good farmers, unless they can contrive to carry out their work without outraging their sense of hygiene and cleanliness. Their faults, as is usual with all zodiacal types, are the extremes of their virtues. Fastidious reticence and modesty become old-maidishness and persnicketiness; balanced criticism becomes carping and nagging; and concern for detail becomes overspecialization. Virgoans are liable to indecision in wider issues and this can become chronic, turning molehills of minor difficulties into Himalayas of crisis. Their prudence can become guile and their carefulness, turned in on themselves, can produce worriers and hypochondriacs. Possible Health Concerns.... Virgo is said to govern the hands, abdomen, intestines, spleen and central nervous system. Illnesses to which its natives are prone include catarrh, cold, coughs, pleurisies, pneumonia and nervous instabilities. Their natures make them inclined to worry and this makes them vulnerable to stomach and bowel troubles, including colic and ulcers. Male Virgoans may have trouble with their sexual organs. Both sexes are strongly interested in drugs and esoteric cuisine and as their delicate stomachs require them to be careful about their diet, it is essential that they treat their fascination with exotic food with extreme care. LIKES Health foods Lists Hygiene Order Wholesomeness DISLIKES Hazards to health Anything sordid Sloppy workers Squalor Being uncertain PROBLEMS THAT MAY ARISE FOR YOU, AND THEIR SOLUTIONS As with all sun signs, we all have unique traits to our personalities. When these traits are suppressed, or unrealized, problems will arise. However, with astrology we can examine the problem and assess the proper solution based on the sun sign characteristics. As a Virgo you may see things below that really strike home. Try the solution, you most likely will be amazed at the results. If you find yourself on the receiving end of the negatives below, it is because you are failing to express the positive.. Problem : Finding yourself frequently alone and unable to keep friends for more than a few weeks. Solution : Try not to be argumentative over much and the constant criticism that Virgos give to their companions are not endearing qualities to have. Try to live and let live, they will love you for it. Problem : People tend to avoid making close contact with you. Solution : Being too preoccupied with health and making it a continual topic of conversation. Try to keep your tips and suggestions about health and health products to yourself unless asked for them. Problem : Dissatisfied with the way your life is turning out; no excitement or change to speak of. Solution : You may be restricting yourself by reducing your life to a set of theories and pigeon-holes. Try to express the positive by first asking yourself, Who or what are you serving; are you devoted or are you enslaved. Answer those questions and then start a new path that includes your true worth. Problem : You may feel that your life and your climb to success is a steep hill that you may never be able to scale. Solution : Try expressing the positive traits of your finely tuned analytical reasoning, employing the light touch with employees and coworkers, while expressing genuine concern for all; You will find those mountains turning into hills that you run right over. Your ruling planet is MERCURY . Mean distance from the Sun (AU) 0.387 Sidereal period of orbit (years) 0.24 Equatorial radius (km) 2,439 Polar radius (km) 2,439 Body rotation period (hours) 1,408 Tilt of equator to orbit (degrees) 0 Number of observed satellites 0 Some more interesting facts about your sign: The Virgin is the entity that is associated with your sign. The above picture is of the grotto in Lourdes, France where the Virgin appeared to the children. In the upper right you will see a statute of The Lady. The Virgin imparts purity of intent to the actions of the persons born under the sign of Virgo. The colors for Virgo are GREEN AND DARK BROWN Your starstone is the beautiful, SARDONYX. The Sardonyx can be found with many different colored bands on it but the one suggested for Virgo is that of the reddish brown variety. It is in the quartz family and is mined around the world.

Is today over yet?

I guess not. So this day took a few different turns and right now I am sitting here actually smiling about them all. I guess being the person I am I can become weird about situations. Some light was shedded on me and I have made some choices about my life and how I want things to go. while all may have their opinion my life just just that..my life and I am going to live up to my standards. I have been feeling overwhelmed with thoughts and stress and today I let some of that go and some of it I kept in for obvoius reasons. We don't need to say whats all on our mind just simply throw a little out there enough for the person to understand where you are coming from. Example: when you love someone simply saying I love you is enough you don;t need to go into deep detail about how much you love them and what you will do for them and how you desire them everyday simply saying I love you or I miss you says it all (just an example) I am on my lunch break and have been emailing all day and really I am thinking things through. All in all the weekend with the kids will be wonderful and so will pride. I am going back to work with a clear confident mind.

Tattoo today

So I am seriously considering getting a tattoo today after work, I have thought and thought and its time. I only have one and have a few in mind I would like to get and since they are having a sale, or a special (yes they have tats on sale here in RI) I figure why the heck not go on and do it. Well thats all for now its early in the morning I have been here at work way before my shift, just going to take calls all day and remain positive and focused. There are a million and one things on my mind but they will all work themselves out in due time. I am looking forward to this weekend with the kids and also perticipating in pride. I have never been a part of pride just always went so this weekend will be nice I will only be there for 2 hours but thats enough to make a difference. Ok off to work I go *running*

Ok I have put all my thoughts together

I am actually at work right now blogging, not going home this present moment because I have a few things to do here at the job. I have been feeling stressed for over a month now and I havent had any real outlet of any kind and yesterday I felt a weight lifted off of me. Not that everything is fixed and I am in the clear but I went to church and that alone was a big step for me. I have never went to church alone before and never really because I wanted to but I made a commitment to God and myself and I am not really good with commitments but yesterday I did it and only good things can come because of it. Things are ok right now in my life, still not great but ok and they are only ok because I can clearly see where things need to go and I am making every effort of doing that. I have been faced with some serious challenges in the past 3 years and I have dealt with them all in the same kind of way. Sweeping them under the rug but now I face them head one and finally do something about them instead of making excuses for them. One of my problems or one of the privileges I have taken advantage of is women and my dealings with them, I realize now sometimes you just have to take a time out to yourself and reflect on what you want to do next and if you add someone to that mix it can alter the outcome. I am going to be taking some time to sit alone for a while and think things through. I am not looking for outside influences just simply me...Neeve...thinking about it and coming up with a goal and a plan. Today during lunch I set various different goals for myself and the children and also worked up a travel plan and budget for us in sept. We are going to go away for a week and just spend some time relaxing and having fun. I am looking forward to that. Well anyway I am feeling confident and positive. I am not out of the woods yet I still deal with a lot of pain and stress and mental break downs but hey who doesnt. I have therapy today and I love my therapist she really gets it....even when she doesnt lmao. Ok thanks for reading maybe I have helped someone or maybe someone can help me lol

Sad....maybe

I havent written here in a little while because i am just trying to put my thoughts into words at this point..no words yet.

I gotta leave this damn state

Well I was on the phone with the kids father going over some stuff about my oldest son and I was really feeling all kinds of ways holding back tears and all. I happened to take a right to take a short cut home and I saw my ex, her daughter, and what I thought was her new girl. Now I am not going to sit here and say anything fucked up except to say wow...like they are a family now and my only weird feeling about it is because I came so far with her daughter like I was the highlight of her daughters life and now someone has taken my place. Its so weird how you can go on in life pretending nothing matter, pretending your not effected by anything or anyone but then something out of the norm happens and makes you take a step back and say to yourself "what the fuck am I doing?" I am feeling all kinds of fucked up because really she was mine for almost two years and I just walked out of her life like she didnt matter, like she didnt have feelings. This is when I know there is a problem when I have to wake the fuck up and realize there is more to life than neeve and her 4 kids, there are others out here who matter there are others who stand to lose when I fuck up and man oh man did I fuck up. Seeing my ex was weird I havent seen her in a month but I am not going to elaborate on that here my main thought is the lil one...wow......I need to pray on this one because only God can get us all through this but I trully found myself waking up in like 5 seconds. My heart dropped when it was confirmed that she was getting in the car (I wear glasses and dont see much not to add tears in my eyes while I was on the phone) but damn...Ok I have to let it go, pray, ask God for guidance and forgiveness and learn once and for all.....the things you do in this life dont only effect you they effect others around you and even those who are at a distance.

(although she will never read this) I miss you fluff....God will guide you through and I will make sure you remain in my prayers.

Cant love or wont love?

I am finding myself thinking more and more about the "love" thing and wondering why I always end up in situations where I question myself. I have been told so many times I don't know how to love someone or I don't know how to show I love someone. Like how is there a book on the "how to love" chapter. I feel love inside my heart but I can so easily walk away and therefor people say I was never truly in love, and I feel like that's not true. I have been in love I have loved as hard as my heart and mind would allow me to. I think that could be what stops me from falling head over heals for a woman because I do think with my mind and not my heart. I have seen enough relationships go sour because the two people didn't think it out first. I always think about it no matter if I make the wrong choice at least I thought about it first and I am not going to allow someone to just hurt me. I can sow I am going through different emotions but I know that I have the ability to love my children and I do have the ability to love a woman I just make it so that I cant give my all to someone because that way if they don't do the same for me I wont be hurt. I can love, I can love, maybe I just chose not to...or if you know me...then you know I already did I just know how to fuck up before you do......well I am going to just continue to try to learn about love and what it means and what I am supposed to do with all this love shit because from my view I stand stronger because I didn't allow myself to fall yet maybe in the end...I will stand alone.

Miserable....*shrug* I guess so

Well today has been a roller coaster of emotions. I have never felt so many damn emotions in one day its really crazy. I went from going to sleep pissed the hell off, waking up sad because of weird dreams then going to work and being so happy because I was at work and also because once again I am still ranked highest in my team. Then going to the gym feeling so damn focused I tried to work my ass off in there then coming home taking a nap, bad dreams again, then getting pissed off all over again and knowing the night will end just like this. I am sitting here holding back tears because I am convincing myself I don't need to cry, I can deal with whats going on in life I will be ok with this situation. The only reason why I feel like the tears are pushing through is because I am not doing such a good job of convincing myself that this is going to change. Being unhappy is a horrible thing when you cant see a better day when you cant imagine a day where you can smile all day where you don't know how to make things better. I feel like I have a lump in my throat...part of me is saying "go ahead cry neeve get it out" and the other part says "no just keep typing it will come out through your words" I want to call my father and talk to him he is the only family that I am semi close to but being we haven't talked in over a month just makes me wanna hold it all in. Is there a way out for me? Will my life continue to be this way? Is the only happiness I have is when I am with the kids?

I am watching house and there is a female Dr on here who is bi and her girlfriend or her fling came in to the hospital with what she thought was a spider bite long story short she had to tell the lady she was dying, the part that just broke me down (yes into tears) was that they were both laying in the hospital bed and I remember watching my mother laying there in that same type of situation and its horrible to have someone you love pass away or even think they are going to pass away. I am sitting here once again realizing life is so damn short too short for holding back feelings and emotions, too short to not go after what you want in life, too short to not just be a go getter. I will continue on my journey no matter how hard it may be, no matter how many pit stops I hit or obstacles that come my way I will continue tears and all. Even grown men cry...why should I be any different?

Abuse??

I just wanted to write a short blog about something I am watching on TV. I am watching intervention and I often watch this show but this one is so very different. This one is about a man who drinks way too much but when he gets drunk he actually hits his boy friend. This is the first gay couple I have ever seen on intervention so its weird but not only are they gay they are in an abusive relationship and that alone is a whole different situation. I have been on both sides of abuse man to woman and women to women and either way is just wrong. The way society can minimize the effect to same sex abuse is because it seems like equal playing ground. The reality is simply that someone is being impowered in that situation and that person needs help, well they both need help. Ok thats all for now just wanted to kinda touch on this, I think its a little too close to home for me to go all into it at this time. Until next time...stay blessed.

Living in RI

I have been living in RI since Dec 07 and I havent liked it much at all. It has its pros and cons but I guess stepping outside of my norm was the hardest part for me. I have to honestly say the best thing about living here is that no one knows me and I can go anywhere and do anything and don't have to worry about being seen or having to pretend like I want to say hi to someone. The hardest part now is that I still don't know where things are and cant get to places I want to go without using the gps or mapquest (sometimes the gps just acts up) I guess also adding to the fact is that me and my (then) girlfriend would go everywhere and she is from here and knew everything and now that I am not there with her I know nothing,,,,,kind of wished I paid attention to where she was driving. Anyway RI is very weird in the since its so small but so much happens like there are 180 strip clubs here like thats wild. The newest thing is the drug use in RI. Now I know there are some users here but according to the reports there are a lot more than I know. Now me personally I dont smoke, drink, or use any kind of drugs and I guess this is why this story got my attention. I will post it below. My point here is that RI is like one of the smallest states why is this even a problem maybe because RI also has one of the highest unemployment rates also....shame right? My thing also is if you are unemployed where do you get the money to buy drugs..hell maybe its the stirppers????

R.I. has highest rate of illicit drug use, survey finds

01:00 AM EDT on Thursday, June 4, 2009

By Felice J. Freyer

Journal Medical Writer

Rhode Island had the highest rate of illicit drug use in the nation among people 12 or older, according to national survey conducted in 2006 and 2007.

Rhode Island is also among six states that saw significant increases in illicit drug use since the previous survey, in 2005-06. And among those ages 12 to 25, this state had the highest percentage of people who needed drug-abuse treatment but were not receiving it, the survey estimated.

That’s according to a new state-by-state analysis of substance abuse and mental illness patterns released Thursday by the U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, or SAMHSA.

The data, drawn from face-to-face interviews with 135,672 people from around the country, found wide variations among the states. For example, while 12.5 percent of Rhode Islanders reported illicit drug use, the rate was only 5.2 percent among Iowans. Respondents were asked whether they had used illegal drugs within the previous month, including marijuana, cocaine, heroin, hallucinogens, inhalants and certain prescription medications if taken for nonmedical reasons.

“It’s a challenge we have been facing for some time now,” said Craig Stenning, director of the Rhode Island Department of Mental Health, Retardation and Hospitals, which oversees substance-abuse treatment. Rhode Island was also ranked number one for illicit drug use in the previous survey, conducted in 2005 and 2006.

“The Northeast always comes out extremely high in illicit drug use,” said Stenning, who founded and directed a drug-treatment agency before he entered state government. For Rhode Island, the location between Boston and New York, the easy availability of drugs and the urban environment all contribute to drug abuse, he said.

“The accessibility of drugs and alcohol is certainly much higher [here] than in the Midwest where you have to travel 20 to 30 miles,” Stenning said. “Availability is always documented by law enforcement to be much higher in this state.”

AS FOR the issue of young people needing treatment and not getting it, Stenning said, “That portion of the survey has been suspect for some time.” It’s easy to say you need treatment, but quite another matter to actually go get it, he said. Stenning asserted that denial and stigma are bigger obstacles than the availability of treatment slots. The state’s substance-abuse treatment centers have weathered the budget crisis thanks to a federal grant, and last year some 14,000 people obtained drug-abuse treatment in state-licensed centers, he said.

Rhode Island didn’t fare much better on measures of alcohol use. The state had the highest rate of people 12 or older who said they’d had an alcoholic beverage within the past month: 63.1 percent, compared with 51 percent for the nation and 56 percent for the Northeast. Even among people aged 12 to 17, well below the legal drinking age, Rhode Island still had the highest rate: 21.6 percent of Rhode Island youngsters had had a drink within the previous month, compared with 16.2 percent for the nation and 18.2 percent for the Northeast.

Rhode Island ranked sixth, with a rate slightly higher than the nation, for binge drinking –– having five or more drinks on one occasion in the previous 30 days.

Rhode Island is also in the middle when it comes to those who’d had an episode of major depression within the previous month, ranking 20th with 7.9 percent.

“This report shows that while every state faces its own unique pattern of public health problems, these problems confront every state,” Eric Broderick, SAMHSA’s acting administrator, said in a statement. “By highlighting the exact nature and scope of the problems in each state, we can help state public health authorities better determine the most effective ways of addressing them.”

My Horoscope for June 4th 2009

My Twittascope: Virgo

You might be having a hard time today because knowing what you want isn't all there is to the equation. Your big concern now is how to realize your dreams. You may be best equipped to make a plan and focus your efforts on meeting each goal in a timely manner. But you also might think it's better to stay loose enough to respond to anything that happens. Find a workable balance between planning ahead and being spontaneous. Thursday, June 4, 2009

This is well needed. I have been stressing over many things these past few months and things just aren't moving fast enough for me to see results that I am looking for. I am wondering how many wrong moves I made and how many more I need to make in order for me to be going in the right direction. I am going to write a list of things I am doing now that I feel uncomfortable with and write things that i am doing that I know are pushing me in the right place in life. Then I have to decide how much I can continue to deal with until I break down. I have always considered myself to be a strong person but everyone has a breaking point and I know now I am reaching it...am I going to allow myself to go all the way there or will I stop myself? We will see........

I can texts blogs....wwooo hoooooo

Ok so now I am able to post to my blog from my phone I must say these won't be long blogs maybe I saw something on the way to work or had a random thoughts I wanted to share or maybe even a picture...anyway I like it.

Testing out blogger

CREDITORS ARE GETTING RUTHLESS

Once again I don't watch much TV so I get the news and latest in politics from work and callers. So today a woman called in asking if we are allowing creditors to garnish wages and account because they just passed the law that says they can. Where things get a little sticky is that the creditor has to obtain banking information and that's a lot of work on the creditors end because there are so many banks they are going to have to call every one and try to obtain financial information. The US is making it so easy for someone to get all of your social information your address and things of that nature. For instance if you google someones phone number you can find them, their address, directions, and even what schools are in the neighborhood and that to me is crazy. I have no need to look that hard for someone and if someone wants you to find them they will give you directions themselves. That to me is just too much "public information" either way it can be done. Now I do understand from a business aspect creditors do need to get their money and the people that work for them have a job to do and they want to keep their job so they are going to keep calling and keep sending letters but now...garnishing wages..WOW that's extreme. Due to the fact I have done accounting work I know for a fact every company puts away some of their earnings to pay for the people who become delinquent on their accounts that's one reason why prices go up with department stores because for those who have department store cards and don't pay WE (the non card holders) have to incur the pain of their mistakes. The same with loans and lines of credits the percentage go according to your credit score and again they up it just that much more to take care of those who chose not to pay or not able to pay. There is also something called a hardship reasoning that you can give a creditor in order to have some sort of sliding scale on how much needs to pay. Now if you have owed a company money for a period of time and a collection agency has contacted you at that point the original debt has already been forgiven. That company no longer cares if you pay or not now the collection agency is set out to get the funds and will keep 80% of whats owed and that's why they are able to work out whats called a settlement and tends to be about 40% less that the original debt. So one thing we all now to have to be aware of is that it seems like these collection agencies are out to kill lol. Ok well that's all for now I am going to shower and think so more about the things going on in the world today besides me lol.

GM Layoffs....damn shame

So I don't get to watch much TV because I don't really find an interest in it but its weird because I work at a banks call center (not risking my job by saying where) and various people call for many reasons and its strange because they will call and ask different things regarding their account due to financial situations or layoffs and that's how I find out about certain things...Ex: GM's layoff.
This is just showing how really horrible the economy is at this point. Some people have yet to feel the hardship the US is faced with at this point and others have been feeling it for years now. We can all say how we would do things if we owned companies but point is we don't we just simply work for them. I remember being at the bank and the calls were down so low. I take about 300 calls a day and it was down to maybe 120 and that's terrible. At that point I had to take a long look at things and wonder where does my job stand. See most of us work at jobs that require people to have some sort of income in order to remain employed. Being at a bank there is no serious security because if people don't have jobs they don't have any money to put in a bank non the less shop and use their checkcard. So I am reading about the GM and I can just imagine how the families must feel. It doesn't matter how much you make at your job everyone always tends to live above their means and me personally have done the same. I am now looking for a second job simply for income and security because WE just never know what the next day has to offer. Do one thing everyday, when your driving to work, or taking the bus, or catching a ride, or even walking please thank God for your job even if its not the best job...it is a job.


Read:DETROIT - General Motors Corp. started firing 1,600 white-collar workers Monday, continuing its effort to slash costs and qualify for more government loans on the same day it revealed it spent $2.8 million in the first three months of this year to lobby federal lawmakers.

Meanwhile, Fiat’s CEO left Italy to resume critical talks on an alliance with Chrysler LLC, as deadlines draw closer for GM and Chrysler to finish their restructuring plans.

Both automakers are living on a combined $17.4 billion in government loans and have said they’ll need more money to survive. Chrysler must cut its debt and its labor costs and forge an alliance with Fiat Group SpA by April 30, or President Barack Obama says Chrysler won’t get any more help.

Being simply random

Ok so I was thinking about many different things I wanted to blog about but I realized that there are just certain things I am not ready to put out there for the world to see. I am not the move private person in the world but lately I have been thinking about what I do want people to know and what I don't want people to know (at this point) I have been doing a lot of regretting lately and that's so weird but again I have been going through different points of regret through the years and now here I am. I often wonder what if? I wonder so much I begin to fantasize about the what ifs. I am not going to get to the point where I let my fantasy over take my reality at this point but I do need to find some type of outlet for it so that way I don't go around fucking up happy homes and shit. I have been getting closer to my therapist Kim she has become very helpful and I am so very honest with her about everything because I never believed you should lie to either your doctor or your therapist because if you do you can never truly be helped. So I was in my therapy meeting and a couple of names came up and I was asking her what should I do and for the first time she just looked at me and said nothing, so I looked behind me kind of wondering if she was looking through me or at me and she just smiled...like as if she finally had a break through. It was too cute. I think one of my biggest problems is that I can become numb to almost anything in life and its only because if I took the time to feel everything I go through in life I would have killed myself a long time ago so I had to learn to ignore things. In turn I have hurt a lot of people and felt nothing about it because I don't know how to feel at all. I feel for my children but even at a point I can be numb to them if I don't pay attention. That's one of my hardest battles in life is going to be opening up. I have so many reasons I should not feel I have so many fears of feeling. The one emotion I have been blessed (yes I said blessed) to be able to turn on and off when I want is being in love. I can love and be around someone but actually being in love is something that I can turn off when I want to or at least I think I can. Now that benefits me because I haven't been through hurt of any kind (or at least that I can recall) and that's so helpful but at the same time I have lost a lot of respect and love from others because I did not treat them right. I am learning now how to open up and allow myself to feel things that I never allowed myself to feel but because of my current situation in life I also turn it off and become numb really quick. If I am feeling too much to a point where I am feeling like I am going to "reach" (if you don't know what reaching is...this isn't directed towards you) that's when I go into denial and just shrug it off. Well I am going to read a couple of things online and blog about some other things besides myself. It may be time to go ahead and make this blog public......being I don't blog on myspace anymore.