Its been a while

Well its Sunday and today its so nice outside. I have to say this morning when I woke up I felt so good I felt like everything in life is going to be ok. I am have been dealing with some really serious things having to do with my father. I made so many decisions to let my father go, to never have anything to do with him and to stop turning the other cheek. I have spent so much time questioning if I should do so or not simply because my father isnt going to be here forever and should I just deal with the pain he causes me for the time being/ No I shouldnt but I have to say there has to be a way around it all, there has to be a way to have a part of my father in my life without getting hurt behind it. I have to find that line that fine line between loving him and allowing him to make me feel in a way I havent since I was a child. Until I figure that out its something I will battle with. The one thing I was taught from my grandfather (I have only talked to my grandfather 4 times and he is still alive we just dont talk) he said "dont close the door on anyone you have love or feelings for no matter where they are in life, dont leave it wide open, simply crack it for the times they are ready to peek in or walk through" that was amazing coming from a man who did very very evil things in his life. I try so hard to not be like my father alhough I have led the same type of lifestyle I have tried to change over and over for this one or for that one but now for myself. I am not sure if he ever tried to change maybe he just accepted who he was and made excuses for it. I don't accept the wrongs in my life while I do understand them I have faith in me and thats enough for me to keep pushing. I have so many times of weakness so many times of feeling like a failure or feeling ilke my efforts are pointless but then I let myself know, God forgives me when man doesnt. I no longer set out to do messed up stuff, I set to do the right thing and I dont fail I just have to try harder. I am in a good place in my life feeling productive, feeling assured of myself, and feeling like one day it will all be worth it. I will remain confident in myself and keep my head going in the right direction when I do good I will look myself in the mirror and say "Good girl" when I mess up I will look mysefl in the mirror and smile and say "Neeve I love you when no one else does" Ok i am off to see the wizard (smile) later blogger.