Parenting

Life will take you through changes but children will take you through so much more. Until this past weekend I felt like the hardest thing about being a parent was being financially responsible and making sure you are always able to provide for children but I am realizing just now that its so much more than that but the biggest thing is doing your best to keep your child safe, away from harm. I promise me having 4 children just increases my chances of something happen to them and while I do my best not to think of it that way I have to time from time. The weird thing is that one my children it the most hyper child ever. I wouldnt say he has a problem or anything I just think he fears nothing and wants to know everything. Its beautiful to see him explore except when he explores the wrong thing. He is a twin and his twin is very laid back and doesnt want to know much about anything, he kind of just watches his brother do random things. I cant at this point count the things he has done in his little four years of life but the latest thing has really put me in a place in life. I am not going to go into what he did but long story short I had to take him to the ER once again he has been there so much its crazy. No matter how much you watch him and keep tabs on him he will find a way to do something and it only takes a second. The incident happened Sunday and right now its Tuesday at 9:58pm and I cant seem to stop crying about it. Thank God he is ok and I truly do thank God but wow I keep crying thinking about what could have happend. I actually stayed home from work today....just really needed to get my thoughts together about the whole thing. I just ......its a lot being a parent thats all I can say. You can never imgaine the emotional rollercoasters you will go through as a mom, like i have truly done my best to protect my children from everything but I realize that I can but i have to do my best in all I do as a parent...*shrug* well I am going to attempt to just lay down and relax my thoughts. Not sure about work tomorrow I may go, or I just may stay home. This week has already started off weird...not sure what will come of it....goodnight

My views on Transgender

So a few month ago I did a youtube about my thoughts on transgenders and to be honest I now feel differently. In my youtube blog I went on to talk about how I don't believe in their way of life and how God doesn't make mistakes in who he creates. Its kind of weird what happens in life to make you rethink your views. One thing about me is that I am not so closed minded that I am not willing to open up and listen to another view. I personally don't know any trans but I have seen them before and I don't have anything against them I simply didn't understand. Its so wrong of me being a single, african american, lesbian mom you would think I am the most open minded person but obviously I am not. The thing that really made me rethink my view was actually Law and Order SVU (my favorite show) This particular episode was about a little boy who believed he was meant to be a girl and the mother supported her(him) yet the father was ashamed and wanted to change her(him). They ended up separating but the principle was so fond of the child. she catered to the child as she went through her ins and outs of who she was, from being picked on at school, to her father disliking her to keeping the girl from killing herself. After numerous attempts at trying to kill herself because her(his) father wouldn't sign for the hormones to stop the hormones that make a boy a man. the principle attempted to kill the father. During the trial it comes out that the female principle was actually born a male and that's why she took such a serious interest in the girl(boy) after watching this episode I truly had a new found understanding and respect for the transgender. See I can fight many battles in my life but I never question who I am, I feel as tho they are forced to answer so many questions about who they are or who they think they are when in all reality they were born to be whomever they feel they should be. For those who saw my blog (I will post it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSxdLUkgODI) and who are reading this I want to send out my apologize for being so nieve to who you are. I am mature enough to admit when I am wrong. Well I just wanted to express that stay tuned for more. Thanks for stopping by

This is gonna be a long one

Yes I decided

Well I have been thinking about something for a few weeks now and couldnt quiet figure out what to do about it, funny thing is I didnt even talk to my therapist about it and thats strange. I guess with all the things going on this was something that I didnt put too much thought into until now. I was doing the pros and cons with Mo and we kinda came up with the same things. I guess if you know anything about me then you can already know what my goals are in life and also my set backs that I have been faced with most recently. I was looking for signs here and there and today was the most amazing signs I have ever seen. I could have looked at them in many different ways other than what they obviously were but I took them in the right way. I actually got on my knees tonight in my room alone and prayed on it, asking God to please guide me like he always does but truly make this happen for me. You can never expect things to just happen for you, you have to put forth some type of effort to see some kind of outcome. At the end of the day no matter what happens from here on out I will remain focused on my goal and will never stop until its actually in process. I feel confident and also happy. I was wondering if this was temporary, if this was something I was just feeling right now but once I got on my knees then everything came together. I am kinda sad right now because its like when you want things to work out you wish they would just work out right now but its not going to happen like that everything in life worth having is truly worth working towards so I will work. Mo happens to be the only one who knows about whats going on in my life, I guess thats what happens when your only true friend is your girlfriend....wow that brought me to another subject. So I have been thinking about a few people these days and watching them in their lives (or at least what I know of it) and I don't miss any of them. I am wondering if that is weird or if there is something wrong with that but it isnt. Some people arent needed in your life, anyone who can bring pain, stress, or a level of confusion in your life isnt needed. I only want people who know exactly what they want and are on the path of getting it in my life. I don't have time for wishy washy stuff right now. Goal oriented focused people. I can't stand those who bow down for others in the name of "love" like really life is about making things right for yourself and allowing yourself to be happy. Yes others can matter but I refuse to change who i am for someone else. I can change the bad things or the things that arent productive but I will never become less than for anyone. Hmm anything else I want to talk about today? Yes let me talk about the fact its 10:44pm my girl just got out the shower and ummm well yall know the rest lol. OOMMMGGGG I have a sex story to share that will truly be out of this world but I am not ready for that one yet lol I will keep that in the personal journal for now. Ok so i am going to go relax and then get some sleep tomorrow is another day faced with challenges and blessings. I will continue to be focused and on the grind but I wont allow myself to be stressed about it. Ok...nii nii all

My Saturday night...

So this weekend was the opening night of the club and its been long time coming. My business partner and I have been back and forth due to person issues. Last night I have to say I had a lot of fun and although the turn out wasn't what I expected I still had fun and shared some laughs with people. Im laying here on the couch at 2:30 pm just woke up from a nap and I feel in thought but good. A lot happened this year the first thing was me and my ex breaking up because my cheating ways. What's good about that situation is that it finally taught me a lot more than it ever has. I have always been a cheater and I have asked myself why several times but then I got to a point where I just felt justified because of my upbringing. Yet this year I had to stop making excuses I had to own up to the fact regardless as to how I was raised, what was done to me, or the things I saw im an adult and I am accountable for my actions. They say if u are truly in love with someone you won't cheat and maybe that's true but also being in love with yourself and respecting the one your with. My sex drive was also an issue not really because I wasn't getting it from the women I was with but more I had a desire to sleep with different women. I no longer feel that way and while its kinda strange at the same time I can't question why I just accept it because its a good thing. Im not that into relationships like that because I always see relationships as someone minimizing their values to be with another and thats something I am not willing to do. The one thing my current girlfriend has helped me to do was stop dealing with those who don't matter to my life and who only want one thing from me. Yes I am grown and can make my own decisions but she has truly helped me in a lot of ways. I can say I have never cheated on her nor do I plan to because I am in a different place and also she allows me to be me with a level of understand also I simply wouldn't disrespect her like that in this point in my life. You never know why u r the way u r or why people love u so much but im thankful for all my past girlfriends and now for my current she truly takes my mind and body to another level. I don't know where this year will bring me but I do know im in a better place romantically and I am happy there. I no longer have regrets more like learning lessons. If you are somewhere you dont' want to be you will always make moves to get out of that place in any way you can no matter how harsh it may be. I have made some choices to do things differently and I am happy about my choices. I have let go of any ill feelings in my past and I am a better person for it. I don't feel the need to reach out to old flames because truly if they meant something to me they would still be my girl now...right? I am HAPPY...not in the place I want to be in my life but in such a better place than I was before and so on the right track I am amazed with myself. School starts soon and that was well comming. *deep breath* I am ok.....and I am ok with being ok...*smile* I can finally smile at myself at night knowing I am doing what I am supposed to be doing at this very moment.

Ummm yeah

This week has been the usual unexpected things that go on in my life with no real ending to much of it. I have been working with someone on a new business type situation where we are going to try to open a new lesbian night club. Our first night is actually this Saturday and I am excited to be doing something and watching it all come into play. This is something her and I talked about last year when we were still in a relationship and now that we arent its still nice that we can work together. I have to say its not easy ( now let me stop for a min and think if I want to talk about this here....well...since I do plan on writing a book and exposing myself why not go ahead and say it here) we have battled a few times since this all started about 2 weeks ago. The last battle we had left us both angry and we said a lot of things. I am sitting here now just knowing I want to club to still go on regardless of how I feel about her and what she said. My issue (you knew it had to be an issue if i was talking about it here) is that we both said its business nothing personal and I am cool with all that because thats the way it needs to be. My therapist said yesterday hell we fight and argue but even business partners dont get along but that doesnt mean they cant do amazing things together. I think her and I have great minds that if put into the right thing will work well together we just have to focus so here is the problem I am having right now. Earlier today my business partner and I were going back and forth in emails about what we need to do and how we are working towards getting things finished so we can get to Saturday and have everything done. Towards the end of the day she sent me an email saying someone wanted to talk to me and I was more open to someone wanting to talk. Now from what I know of the person that wanted to talk to me has been involved in this also she I was thinking she wanted to run an idea by me or something like that, i didnt take the time to think that if it was about the business she would have just ran it by my partner....but that did cross my mind when I got an email saying that her person decided she didnt want to talk to me because it could go in the wrong direction. That for me said this doenst have anything to do with the business more on a personal level. Now as of yesterday my business partner and I were very clear that its business and nothing else. I talked to my therapist about the big fight her and I had and how we were once again walking away from eachother and not turning back. My therapist said not all business partners get along they fight and go through things too, if we can just focus on whats important to both of us then everything will play out the way its supposed to her having her personal life and me having mine and us working together as a team. Now where the issue came for me today was her person wanting to talk like can you see the wives of Johnson and Johnson talking to eahother about something other than baby powder?? thats my point here, 1. if you want to talk me talk to me, 2 if you want to keep it focused on the business then do that 3. if you are going to come at me in a way you feel like could mess with the business...dont. Now I am not saying I am perfect and I always do the right thing but people...think before you speak thats my new thing for the rest of the day think before i speak think before i act, think before i fucking think lol. anyway I am not feeling any kind of way right now I have to say honestly I feel good tonight. A lot was done today things seem finalized and thats a blessing. Other things that may come up between my business partner and myself may come and they may not but one thing i wont do is add fuel to the fire...im here....nuff said. Ok yall keep Sat night in your prayers I hope this goes well and this could be the begining of something amazing ...mentally.

Kim

My therapist made me realize so many things today and one of them is how far I have come since she has been helping me. While there are others who want to cut me down and say i am not this or that I have come further then they have in all reality. I went through something so horrible in 2007 I truly lost everything and even lost my mind. Now here is it a year and 6 months later and I am back working again, new car, new apartment and doing all that I can not in intensive therapy just really on my grind. No longer blaming my life for my shortcomings now just focusing on what I need to do in life. I am happy truly happy. There are always going to be things in life I would like to change but I am working harder at change that anyone I know. I am truly now and forever THE MMMAANNNNNN lol yes I made myself feel good. So when people attempt to make me feel less than I simply say "Be me and lets see how you would have turned out" big shout out to all the fulltime workers in the world its hard to find a job but in this recession I was able to find a job and maintain my life....God continues to bless me. Ok I am off to bed now..I was gonna do some work on the club but *shrug* nii nii bloggerzzzzzzzzzzzzz

My thoughts from work today

So today has been one of those days where you wake up wondering what will come of the day because you know the last day left things unclear. I have made a few decisions in the past few hours and one of them was decided to forgive my father for his wrongs. I will keep forgiving him and forgiving him because I feel in my heart thats what God wants. If I couldnt forgive him then it wouldnt be in my heart. There are some people in this world who try so hard to do right and just don't for whatever reason and that is no reason to stop loving them or being there for them. Its about retalking about their wrongs and then hugging them and saying "I forgive you" just simply that. God has given me a forgiving heart like my mom and instead of being mad about it I will cherish it because my father makes me smile more than he makes me cry so I will start to appreciate the smile more and focus on the tears less. I love him no matter what and I chose to continue to love him no matter what. He isnt promised tomorrow so maybe if I can smile bout him today is just enough for me. I am feeling low today I have to admit somethings just arent going as planned but they are going the way they are supposed to I guess. I had my heart set on something yet things changed and I have to say im hurt by it but at the end of the day I fall back. Fighting some battles are worthless when you know you will have to keep fighting through the whole thing. when there is someone who may question you, and what you do, and then their friend, cousin and or significant other may do the same just all of that right there can cause a problem. I know my family has an issue with my sexuality and they all love me but feel the way they do about it so for that reason I don't deal with them too closely thats how it works. I don't want to fight to suceed and then fight the person who may be on that journey with me. I would much rather throw in the towel and find something else to fight for. Ok so other than that thats all for now I will say starting the book is something I will work towards other than that working and taking care of home is my focus. This weekend was amazing and I couldnt ask for anything more. I thought about a lot and learned a lot about myself and a few others I am peaceful...a little sad but its temporary. I wish for God to bless everyone even those who think poorly of me.

Until next time....

Its been a while

Well its Sunday and today its so nice outside. I have to say this morning when I woke up I felt so good I felt like everything in life is going to be ok. I am have been dealing with some really serious things having to do with my father. I made so many decisions to let my father go, to never have anything to do with him and to stop turning the other cheek. I have spent so much time questioning if I should do so or not simply because my father isnt going to be here forever and should I just deal with the pain he causes me for the time being/ No I shouldnt but I have to say there has to be a way around it all, there has to be a way to have a part of my father in my life without getting hurt behind it. I have to find that line that fine line between loving him and allowing him to make me feel in a way I havent since I was a child. Until I figure that out its something I will battle with. The one thing I was taught from my grandfather (I have only talked to my grandfather 4 times and he is still alive we just dont talk) he said "dont close the door on anyone you have love or feelings for no matter where they are in life, dont leave it wide open, simply crack it for the times they are ready to peek in or walk through" that was amazing coming from a man who did very very evil things in his life. I try so hard to not be like my father alhough I have led the same type of lifestyle I have tried to change over and over for this one or for that one but now for myself. I am not sure if he ever tried to change maybe he just accepted who he was and made excuses for it. I don't accept the wrongs in my life while I do understand them I have faith in me and thats enough for me to keep pushing. I have so many times of weakness so many times of feeling like a failure or feeling ilke my efforts are pointless but then I let myself know, God forgives me when man doesnt. I no longer set out to do messed up stuff, I set to do the right thing and I dont fail I just have to try harder. I am in a good place in my life feeling productive, feeling assured of myself, and feeling like one day it will all be worth it. I will remain confident in myself and keep my head going in the right direction when I do good I will look myself in the mirror and say "Good girl" when I mess up I will look mysefl in the mirror and smile and say "Neeve I love you when no one else does" Ok i am off to see the wizard (smile) later blogger.