the other day

I wasnt going to blog about this but its on my mind, I guess because my son keeps talking about it and its really sad but I am going to make the story short because I have to wrap presents and its 12:15am. The boys and I were driving home the other day from shopping and as I was pulling up a street I notice two men standing there and from a distance it looked like they were playing or something as i got closer I noticed they were fighting. Now I am very nosey but I had the twins in the car so i wanted to turn around but was unable to so I pull closer and there is a man beating another man in the head with a bat. I don't live in the bad neighbor hood at all so this was so weird for me plus I have never seen anything like this, i called the cops and the man was getting up off the ground and his head was bleeding so bad. I didnt see the man who did it to him but just the whole situation was horrible and now my son is fixated on it. My son (one of the twins) has seen too much already and now this..was just too much. I spent tonight laying in his bed with him, conforting him, telling him over and over again mommy is safe yet he has seen mommy hurt before. I will ask God tonight for the strength to get through all obstacles we are faced with. Until next time.....

I want so much more than what you can offer

I was on twitter just now and I was talking about how I pre-planned this blog and I normally just blog but this one I wanted to talk about because so many people go through this so here goes: In life you can enter into relationships or friendships and there are times when you have to ask yourself, "Is this the best I can do?" now I know most people only think like that in relationships but friendships too. I know when I was younger I went through different friends because I felt like they werent healthy for me and so I made changes, now there are some I wouldnt change but others I let go of. Now that I am older I don't really base my life on friends, I mean its nice to have someone to talk to and hang out with time from time but I have to say I have messed up friendships with sex so me being without one is ok (right now) Now let me move on to relationships. When you first meet someone sometimes they put their best foot forward sometimes there best foot is some bullshit, so you know from the door what youre getting into. Now the ones that come in showing us someone that they arent we are kinda fooled into it but someone can only hide themselves for so long. I know as women we want the best for our mate, we want to see them for the best person they can be, no matter how horrible of a person they may be we are in hopes for all the better....yet...we end up disappointed. There are very few people in this world who are willing to do a full 360 and change their full person to please another and really one shouldnt have to. Take me for instance, I am a very stern person, I like things my way, I'm very unemotional at times, very distant and non caring but I have my aww moments too. Someone like me isnt going to change because I don't see anything wrong with the way i am so its truly take it or leave it. Now if I am with someone and I don't like who they are then I will let it be known and sit and watch to see either their progression or digression. After a certain amount of time, if I have had to endure the same shit repeatedly then I need to sit down and do some pros and cons (lol@Tan) and once that is complete I will come up with a decision. Now doing this isnt easy because I will always be losing out on something but i have to see how valuable that something is to me, and if its something I can do without. I sm going through some weird feelings about a couple of things tonight and its weird they all apply to this blog yet they arent all based on the same person and thats what I meant in the begining it could be a friendship or a relationship. To end this I have to say Love isnt always enough it takes love, and RESPECT...if I respect you I don't do the things you dislike and if you love me you wont do the things I dislike and if we continue to do those things, then we have shown how we truly feel. Ok its getting late today is the last day of these stupid cough meds so imma hit the sack early and be up and running again tomorrow.
Until next time....oh yeah stay tuned...my website is in the works....

thats it

Life showed me something today. I am a strong stern person but even the strongest man can be broken. I have been going through some things and thinking on some other things and today everything hit the fan for me. I have a habit of allowing things to happen that I don't agree with just because I know in the end it will be worth it, but worth it at who's expense. Today I was hurting, today I cried uncontroably and that's not something I do often. There is a reason I don't cry and this is a reason why changes have to be made. People can blame others for their short comings but when you continue to beat someone down until they can't be around you then its time for me to walk away. No one deserves to be hurt even if they aren't the best person in the world. I have done my shit but I'm still human and deserve love and respect and if you can't give me that then respect the fact I want nothing to do with you. There are some people who have come through my path that have been bothered by my ways in some form and at the end of the day can say "hey neeve that was some bullshit but I love u" (u know who u are) and there are others who feel the need to remind me everyday how fucked up I am. I need to say this I did bad things hell I still do but I'm in a place where I don't need someone bringing me to where I was a few hours ago. If you can't just simply love me I would rather walk away. Tonight I'm sad, hurt, and want nothing more than to just go to sleep...wishing someone would just understand to love me is to forgive me, and to care for me is to let the past go or simply respect me enough for us to walk away peacefully. I can't continue to deal..there is too much going on. My therapist is going to be so mad at this one. Lesson learned..again

OH SHIT BITCH

Ok so I am sitting here on my computer and I just got an email from an unexpected person....I havent read it yet, its kinda long so I gotta prepare myself..I will check back in with the results...no there will be no direct comments or name dropping but I will express emotions.

Cheaters never win....or do they?

I keep saying I wanted to blog because I have a few things on my mind but some things because I deal with certain people I was gonna be easy but now I am like fuck it man. the one thing about me is I have had very dysfunctional relationships with women and that causes me to ask myself whats wrong with me, I have come to the conclusion its nothing really wrong with them I deal with kinda average chicks so umm what the hell is the problem. I have been thinking about my last couple of girls and I am only thinking of them because I can't say I am big on relationships just not my thing but three girls got me to a place where I wanted to call them my girl. As i am sitting here typing I am like do I wanna really do this blog.....YUP...so for those of my exes who read this blog dont get all offended and either go blog yourself or just be mad at me just know its NEEVE'S blog and I am going to talk about what I wanna talk about so here goes.

About 5 or so years ago I was with this girl imma call her BK and we did our thing she was like a booty call type chick because I only really let her take the train to my house when I wanted to fuck but she was good for giving me the go ahead when I wanted to do something so it came to a point where I wanted another child and she was way supportive gonna play daddi and everything I considered letting her be a girl I wanted to claim but she ended up leaving when I was pregnant. I didnt feel a way about it because I didnt really care for her anyway but while I was pregnant there was a girl imma call her TN who would chirp me (nextel) just to see how I was doing how she was a truck driver and always on the road so for her to always keep in touch and check on me and see if I needed anything was big. I mean she is a les and I am a preg les but yet she always wanted to know how I was even when I had the boys and she couldnt reach me she was worried and thats how she became someone I wanted to claim as my girl. With her things were fun and one thing was her and I cheated all the damn time and while we would get mad at the end of the day she was still my main girl. Time went on and my cheating became a problem for her and she had to break away but no matter what she always came back no matter if it was to help care for me or just simply sex we always found a way back to eachother, during one of our breakups I got interested in a girl imma call her RI and she was real real interesting really femme, mommy figure type chick had me going so I got with her and (in short) ended up cheating and she couldnt deal now with her I would keep going back to her and no matter how much she didnt want to she allowed me to now I got to a point where we were living together and yet I was still cheating and damn I was bugging with that one because I was dealing with TN, and BK was calling me (but nothing was going on with that) and then I was dealing with a girl imma call her CT and umm here is where it gets confusing: In the process of living and leading a family life with RI I was cheating and "caking" with TN and TN knew about RI but RI didnt know about TN. Now TN was somewhat ok with me and RI being together but honestly she was hopeful that I would one day leave and I led her on then I started dealing with CT. Now with CT I knew her from back in the day and honestly she was just supposed to be a fuck but we kept going and then TN found out about CT and because they HATE eachother for TN I had just went too far. So TN kept telling me she couldnt take it but I kept going and all things must come to an end. TN called RI and told her everything and then TN called CT and RI, RI also called CT and then choices had to be made. Everyone knew Neeve was cheating with three different women at the same time. I ended up walking away from RI because she was hurt like beyond hurt because it had been years of this and instead of me trying to fix the problem I walked away, then I cant lie me and TN started dealing again and then shit went sour because it was just too soon and CT was bugging about it and really me and TN I guess had just done too much damage to eachother, cause at the end of the day TN was still trying to help where she could and there were times where RI was helping also. Now all of this says what???? I have fucked up this year lol. I don't mean to laugh but really when I put it out there its crazy and there is so much I am not going to put here but those involved knows what really happened in every situation. My goal now is to make next year a different year, a year where I can end the year saying I only slept with one woman, had one relationship, and was committed. I can't say I am tired of the games cause i been doing it so long its nothing just at the end of the day its not right to hurt people in this way, to cause life changes in people, to cause people to hate me is just wrong and I have to add one more person in this wildness there was CTB (I am not gonna say why I call her that) but she was in it the whole entire time and she was down to regardless all I had to do with her is be honest, with her....I couldnt seem to be who I am, who I was, or who I was gonna be, I tried to show her I was someone I wasnt and I didnt have to because out of everyone else she wasnt my girl she was my...friend. Well I am hopeful about next year, shit I can't say I am leading myself right, at this point but gosh damnit I am going to get there....I miss the games, I miss the random sex but ...hey....gotta change sometime so imma pick Jan 5th cause thats when it all fell apart for me.

again remember to my exes...DONT GET MAD ABOUT THIS DAMN BLOG...im just expressing. I love yall *grin* ok now I am being funny but seriously everyone held a place in my heart and i appreciate everyone for what the did for me and mines you will never be forgotten.

Until next time.....

Change isnt always good.

I was considering not writing this blog but its 11:42 at night and shit its on my mind so why not. I was talking to a friend of mine today and we were talking about who I was 2 years ago and who I am now. I sitting here just thinking about how much has changed and not much in a good direction. Two years ago I was hard working loving mother of 4. Loved my job, made good money, did things went out, had so much fun. I valued life and all it had to offer, nothing could stop me then. I went from being a receptionist for an advertising to holding one of the top positions. I was also a very fun person to be around, was rarely sad about anything although I didnt have the best life anyone around me would never know. What happened to take me from that happened two years ago and I still can't seem to bounce back from it. I struggle with it everyday, I deal with the dreams, emotions, fear, I deal with it all. I cant find the strength to let it go, to know and believe it wont happen again. Even talking about too much will take me to a bad place. I have prayed on it but as I am sitting here now maybe I have to do what I feel is right. Just recently I got a job offer back in CT and I have considered it but at the same time I thought maybe thats not the move for me, maybe I shouldnt go back to where it happened but then I have to think I ran away, I ran away from it instead of staying and dealing with it. I remember a past friend of mine Katie worked so hard to get me to stay, she told me I cant run from it because I will never be ok like that, maybe she was right. I asked God to guide me, and while I am waiting for him to show me, allow me to see his path and not one I make on my own. If I truly get this job and a nice apartment then I will go, I will learn to heal from this. Everyone I talk to says to me "neeve its been two years you cant get over it yet" Let me explain in detail what I am going through. To have someone come into your home beat you like a man, fracture your nose and your jaw, have them have no care about their chldren being there, have them have no care in the world if you live or die, all they want to do is beat you until they are tired, to hear your daughter in the background yelling for them to stop, to have your 2 year old baby holding onto your leg the whole time. See unless you were me you could never understand what that did to me and my children, if youre not me you would say "its been 2 years get over it" if youre not me you wouldnt lose as much sleep as I do, you wouldnt lock your bedroom door at night, you wouldnt check every window in your house to make sure no one can come in. People always think they know what they would do if it happened to them but...I DIDNT it happened to me so I deal with it. I am tired of people telling me get over it, let it go, shit if I could dont you think I would......*sigh* well thats what was on my mind for the night...I have expressed it, now i will pray that I get stronger each day. Oh and I need to say something, I read an exes of mines blog and she said I deserved it (you know who you are) and I have to say out of all the wild fucked up things we have said to eachother I never expected that from her...some people just hate me I guess....no words for that one. Anyway I am going to get some sleep...until next time

Thin water

Hello blogger I am coming to you to just go over somethings that have crossed my mind. I am sitting here watching whats love gotta to with it and I love this movie. With the past I have had you would think this movie bothers me but really it doesn't because in the end everything goes the right way. I have to wonder is that how my life is going to be, in the end everything will go the right way. People stay in the wrong relationships for all the right reasons. Most stay because of the kids or because they love the person even tho the person isnt for them. You spend days and days trying to figure out why you stay and then days convincing yourself to leave. Making a decision to leave someone is a very hard one and harder when you feel like you will never be loved by someone like your current mate loves you. When youre in something and there is no love or no anything its much easier to leave then if the love is there yet the person just isnt healthy for you. I have personally done the relationship thing with a few people and it all ended yet for some reason we can still be friends today. I have had people do bad stuff to me and I have done bad stuff to others and everyone involved makes excuses for the other when really none of it had to happen. I am in a better place now that I can say when I am wrong and not make excuses. If I cheat, there is no excuse for it just as well if you cheat on me there is no excuse, same goes for putting your hands on someone, drunk, high...it doesnt matter when you feel the need to hit then you feel the need to leave. I was talking to Key and she was saying how she isnt willing to settle. Thats the biggest thing in life people have a problem with, call it picky call it selfish but we shouldnt have to settle we should have the right to go get exactly what we want from another person. I would hate for someone to be with me and feel like they are settling . I know what I want from my mate, I know what I desire, I know what I want to look forward to in the future, if the person I am with does not have the same goals in mind then our relationship will just be that, it will never been anything more like a true commitment. Well I am going to finish watching this movie....Until next time.................