Today will be a wonderful day

I have a few things going on right now that are on my mind in some way shape or form. I have chosen to distant myself from a lot of things and people these days because if they don't promote anything positive in my life then there is no need for them to harbor any type of space in my life. I am going through some changes as far as going back to CT and starting the new job Monday. Its a great thing and I am prepared for things to get harder before they get easier but I know I am truly on the right path. I have been praying a lot, praying for change and positive things to come to me and my children and that has been happening. This year has been hard just like the past two years but its all coming back together for me. Omg I am turning 32 on Wednesday and I remember when I was turning 30 I was truly going through it like feeling so old and not wanting to age, but now its ok because with age come maturity and knowledge of what shouldnt be done in life. I can say I still do somethings that arent on the great path but once I realize whats being done i am able to stop. I am thankful for all I have and all I don't because whatever I don't have I will have if I work hard. School starts in a week and boy oh boy thats just what I need, I will be done in November and at that point I may make another career change, I hope it will be within the same company but if not it will be something good.
Now I want to take this time to talk about a friend of mine. Its a friend that plays a big, but silent part of my life. She has been there in times of need and times of wants, she has been there for me since I was pregnant with my twins and she has never left, No matter how many times I wont answer my phone or respond to a text or not show up when I am supposed to hang with her. Regardless of all that she remains a part of me. I am wondering if she stays because of her love for me or because she is just like me...whatever her reason is she still is here. I have to say I need her a lot, I know she doesnt need me as much as I need her but she still provides for me. I often wonder why are paths continue to cross I mean she is in and out of relationships and I am too yet no matter how much our mates may not like us dealing we continue to keep it close. Its not even a sexual thing its something much more, something deeper, something I can't seem to get away from. She is what I can consider an amazing friend, more of a friend then anyone else I know and its weird because I never expected that from her. Friends remain by your side even when they dont agree with what you are doing or who you are doing it with because they have faith in you to know you well enough to know its something that will soon pass once you are in a better place mentally. She is someone I can consider a best friend its kinda weird tho considering our past. Now I do get mad at her don't get me wrong our relatiionship isnt perfect she can piss me the fuck off like right now, I havent sent her several emails and imz asking her a question and she has responded then all of a sudden this morning I get a text saying "Looking for me?" she be on that bullshit sometimes but thats my heart right there....yeah...she got me. Now all yall bias readers don't get me wrong it is what it is right now, her and I have an understanding of eachother and where we don't want to go for many reasons but all in all I have to honestly say...I love her..*shrug* I have learned the hard way never deny your love for someone. I am learning more and more about love this year, I am learning what to do and what not to do, I am learning that if you truly love someone you keep them close you don't push them away when they hurt you, you try to build an understanding for them and why they do what they do and you help them no matter how hard it may be, not matter how they may disappoint you, just help them and you will see your effort come back 10 times. Ok well she just sent me an IM...imma go check my email then start getting ready for tomorrow. See yall lata

I haven't had much time to blog due to moving and changing jobs also my
little people are back home but im feeling so blessed. Life isn't
perfect but im doing all the right things. Oh and my number is back to
what it was. Someone said to me "don't run from them, make them aware
you want nothing to do with them" she was so right I shouldn't have to
change my number to get the unwanted people to stop calling and its
weird because I just got an unknown call...now that's so immature. If u
wanted to know if my number is the same then ask me smfh some people
never grow the hell up. Anyway im hitting the bed...for all u moms out
there im sure yall feel me when I say "a true mothers job is never done"
nii nii
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Clarity

I have to much to talk about not a lot to say just some things I want to express so I am going to try to knock them down one by one. First let me say Fios is amazing the things you can do with this tv are just crazy and I am so not even going to start but wow this was a good change for me and I don't even like TV like that but its still cool. Also the internet speed is wwooowwww. Ok now on to my horoscope (that i got from Fios tv) You probably look a lot busier than you actually are these days with active Mars in your public 10th House. But beneath your whirlwind of running around, there is real progress taking place on a mental level, out of sight from those around you. Even if you want to give up, recognize that this is not the end; rather this stopping point is a chance for you to see what's not working in your life and start fixing what's broken. This was so true for today. It was one of those busy yet busy doing nothing days. There are times like this in my life when I feel like so much needs to be done but there isnt anything to do so I spend the day thinking about what can be done tomorrow so that I can complete all tasks at hand. My main goal for today was just getting past the day I think i did like one or two blogs today because my thoughts are moving so fast yet the day is going slow. All I wanted to do was go to therapy and talk to Kim about me moving back to CT and get her feel of things because now its really happening. Her and I came up with an amazing plan but at the same time I had to deal with major issues of why I left and why its going to be so hard to go back. I have to say I am not jumping for joy on this one because I have to face a million fears alone. I have to fight this battle by myself and this may be the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I am prepared for whatever happens. I am stronger now than ever and sometimes it doesnt feel that way because I am going through break downs and fall outs that I have never felt but now I am able to say i can finally feel, nothing is numb anymore I have true feelings and emotions. Kim brought up the subject of bringing closure to RI.....and I had to say really there is nothing to close. I thought about the people I knew here and how things have turned out and I have to walk away. Everyone has motive and if ever you hurt me thats ok but if ever your motive was to hurt me, I can't come back from that. Speaking of that Kim made me feel so good today she made me see something I didnt see before. See for those of you who are keeping up with the blog you know I have a deep problem with my father he is a mean man and I have tried to allow him to be a prart of my life, and how I am trying to do what my mother wanted and thats for me and him to have a relationship. The thing Kim said that i never thought about is that my mom is in heaven and being in heaven brings clarity to people. She said she feels as though my mom is able to see my father for who he is and wants me to be happy and wants me to live in the way she was never able to, she (with a clear mind) wouldnt want me to hurt over him and allow him to abuse me in the way he abused her. She is looking down on me proud to know I did my best, I put my best foot forward and now I have to walk away, not walking away with hate in my blood just more love for myself than for him and thats something she wasnt able to do while she was here on earth. I will now live as she would, is she had the support system I now have. Ok its 11:30 I have 3 more days of work then I'm off. God bless everyone who reads this even those of you who have ill feelings towards me. One thing you should know is holding grudges does no one any good. Let it go and move on...its not easy I know but WE all have to heal one day and allow ourselves to love once again. I am going to sleep...nii nii.

bored at work

So I am sitting at work now with so many thoughts running through my mind. Today is August 17th and so much has gone on this year alone to just make me reflect on things. The one thing I haven’t been able to do for some reason or another is change my phone number. I have found every excuse in the world as to why I shouldn’t change it but at this point I had to. I no longer want to deal with certain people that were a part of my life in the past and for that reason I have changed 2 cell numbers and my home number. Its weird because I felt like I would miss out on something, maybe someone would try to contact me that I wanted to talk to and couldn’t but really....if I haven’t talked to you in the past 2 days then that means I don't need to talk to you. I was also concerned with my father and someone getting on contact with me about him but everyone knows how to get to my grandmother and she knows how to get me so really I had to walk away from that number. I am glad I didn’t change my area code lol cause now I'm going back to CT. Ok what else is on my mind??? I have therapy today and omg my therapist is the best she is so supportive in everything positive I do. She keeps me up when others try to keep me down. The journey ahead will be long but well worth it. Class starts in 3 weeks so now the new job, new school, new apartment geesh...but I thank God for all his blessings, all of them. There was a time when I questioned my worth, questioned my point here on earth, wondered if I was going in the right direction, wondering if I was taking life serious. I now see I am focused and determined to do what needs to be done not only for me but for the 4 little ones. Ok I am going to get back to work now..OOMMMGGGG I am so not feeling Americas Best Dance Crew I thought this season would be better than the last. The best part of this show is the Vougers wow they are an all gay dance crew and one is a trans. Now that right there is amazing and I love them. I taped it last night because I was watching True blood but I will watch it when I get home from work. I am also feeling all of puffys shows this season. Ok I am done..work is slow so im kinda just blah blah blahing right now

Determination = success

Well I haven't written in a little while only because I have been busy and deep in thought at times. I am actually sitting here at 6:16am Monday morning getting ready for work and watching TV. I woke up early enough to kind of relax before I go to work so that's a cool thing. Recently I was thinking about moving back to CT but I am not the type to move without a job and also a reason. Since I moved to RI I have wanted to move back to CT yet things that happened there caused me to not want to move back but really nothing is going on here in RI for me. Nothing good is coming of being here, so I made up my mind I wanted to move. Thank God the place that I work has relocation all over the US it was just a point of getting the job. This job is very different from anything I have done in my life. I had to take 2 different test and go through in interview process. While I was waiting for the word on if I had to job or not this is what my horoscope said
"It's tough to make a job-related decision today, for when you get to the fork in the road, you want to travel both paths. Yet even if you put off your final judgment for a few days, you know that you cannot avoid the act of deciding what your future is going to be like. The choice is ultimately yours, so take your time and consider all the options before making any long-term commitment" That was just what I needed then finally the hiring manager called me and offered me the position I was so happy. I was happy for many reasons but one being I did it, I was determined to do what I saw I wanted and it was done right. I am now in the process of packing and getting ready to move. I start in two weeks so that's not a lot of time but just enough time to do what I need to do to get out of RI. This place just was never meant for me, so I am able to move on and be happy. OK I am going to go ahead and get ready for work, stay tuned.

Going to CT today its the day where all questions will be
answered.........
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Its almost time to go back in to work (I am on lunch) and things just
hit my mind like...wow its already august of 2009 the year is almost
over and I can't believe im about to relocate but I have to say the
benefit to this move is that is something I want to do not something I
have to do. When I moved to RI I was running from something and now I
regret it I wish I would have stayed and dealt with it regardless of the
outcome because now I see I became worse off than if I would have stayed
but again lifes learning lessons. I feel amazing today. Physically im
feeling sick as hell but mentally im in an amazing place. This weekend
was just omg amazing I think one of the best weekends this year. I loved
it and that's why I am still glowing lol. Ok imma go drink my 8th bottle
of water then im done with the water for today, hit the gym then go home
and relax. I truly feel good I can't stop smiling lol...ok I done. Stay
blessed and continue to bless those around you. OOHHHHH getting a new
Tat tomorrow yesterday I had planned on the name but again life showed
me that was the wrong move and I realized what I need...stay tuned for
the pic.
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Today was a nice day. I had a few things on my mind but I did my best to
focus on packing and cleaning up. Everything is happening the way it
should at this point I guess I just had to make some self changes and
allow myself to face reality about some things. I took a nap today and
man I love naps but I had such a weird dream lol I was making baked
chicken...not sure what that means but whatever. I had to do some stuff
today and while being downtown me and my girl saw the waterfire was
tonight. Now I have been in Rhode Island for 2 years and have never been
so she decided we should go. We went home....rested then got dressed and
went. It was so amazing. How the water was on the river and omg just the
music the food the environment was so needed it was so relaxing and she
made me feel so good. I needed that level of stress taken off of me.
Things aren't easy in life but when you get to a point where you rid
yourself of toxic people, toxic things, and toxic thoughts its amazing
what can be accomplished. Well its almost tomorrow. Imma bond and go to
bed. Nii nii blogspot
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Its about 9:45pm and I am laying here watching so you think you can
dance. Today was a nice day it was so pretty outside and I truly can't
complain. I almost didn't go to the gym today but I went and I am so
glad I did. I had to deal with a few things today but with the help of
God I was able to get through them without dwelling on it and just
letting it go. See the thing about allowing God to handle your problems
is once you give it to him it is no longer in your hands. I can't
control other peoples actions I can only control my reaction. So much
happened in this little bit of time of me leaving the gym and I dealt
with it all without cussing, crying, or being mean I did my best and my
best was all I had. I have to remain focused on what my goals are in
life and never let anything mess that up for me. I am not perfect heck
far from it but I promise I am doing my all to remain my best. I won't
always come out on top but I need to always feel like I worked as hard
as I could to be on top. I am going to watch tv then close my eyes im
tired as heck. I thank God for the strength I currently have and ask
that he continue to bless me with the knowledge of what to do and the
strength and courage to carry it out. Goodnight blogspot until next
time.
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So today I have been through another emotional rollercoaster and its hard when you just dont know who or what can effect your mood. I have battled with staying at work today because of how I feel but my day is almost over and I made it and I am thankful for it. Its hard, the things I am dealing with right now are hard and mostly because I cant control it but I can control me and thats enough. I have been down all day and I got an email regarding this position I was trying for and I had to smile and its what I needed just to validate the fact that things will get better. With prayer and effort anything is possible and its time to me to make the impossible possible and I feel so confident. I can admit I am very sad but being sad is ok I just don't want to feel unhopeful. I talked to my mom and just expressed to her that I can no longer allow my father to hurt me this way he has brought me back to a horrible place and I cant afford to be here, not here, not now and I am sure she is looking down on me and proud that I even gave it a try. Ok so I am at work and the calls have slowed down a little enough for me to get these thoughts out and I want to thank you guys for reading and emailing me your quesitons and also your problems, never feel like I can't help you because there are always people around me to help me so I have to be the same for others. I am feeling a little better. I have therapy today so thats a good thing (yes I am still very open about therapy nothing wrong with getting help where its needed) and I know me and Kim will come up with a plan to execute and get things on track. This was a nice weekend I thought it was going to be crap but it ended up nice. Support and love can come from the strangest places sometimes but then it gives you the light to look at someone and just say "Thank you for being here for me" ok So thats all for now, I am depressed but I am loved so I cant complain.

 

Ok I am going out side for a cig break (no i dont smoke but thats what its called at work)

10:35pm and its amazing that the situation got worse but I swear on
everything I believe in my heart this is a learning experience maybe a
long life altering memorable one, I might be a little mental when its
all done but I know its going to get better soon because they say it
gets worse before it gets better but I don't know if they meant a little
worse or war in iran worse. Either way this is something I will never
forget and never go through again. I am blogging about this in hopes
that maybe one person will read this and know no matter how hard things
are life can only get better if you do what you are supposed to do and
that's what I am currently doing at this point. Well its time to go to
bed now..will I sleep peacefully...no but I will wake up and thank God
for giving me another day to fight this battle. Goodnight all
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Ok so maybe not

Ok as some of you know (the ones who are following my blog) I have been going through a back and forth with the dealings of my father. I have battled with continuing a relationship with my father and I am at a completly different place in life now. My father was a horrible man growing up in my house there were times when my friends would keep asking if he was my step father because he was so horrible to me and my mother. I am not going to all into that but the thing about it is that he continues to treat me bad. Day after day I ask myself to just be strong and understand my father has a weird anger problem and I just need to take it because all in all I need to love him. I have only felt this way since my mother passed in 2002. When my mom was here I cut him completely out of my life and didnt think twice about it because he was horrible so why would I chose to deal with someone like him. My mother spent so much time trying to get me and him back together trying to mend the relationship that he continued to destroy. After her passing I tried my best to mend with him because I knew thats what my mother wanted and it would work for a few months then he would break me down again. This last time was horrible because of the things he said to me. My father has a serious problem with me being gay and thats fine all I ask is that he not disrespect me just talk to me and express himself....well he cant seem to do that. after the last time i cut him out but then I just said oh what the hell I will just take the abuse because he doesnt have anyone but me in his life. Today once again he went way too far not only did he call me every derogatory name he could think of he did it in front of my twins that for me crossed every line and also made me think about me. Why should I have to take his abuse to love him? Why cant I expect to be loved the right way, and if not the right way then not at all, why? My questions will never be answered but I wont do this I will find the strength to just walk away and wish the best for him but there is no reason I need to continue dealing with a man who obviously has no care or concern for me. I am tried of crying about him and how he treasts me and talks to me. yes I will cry tonight, and tomorrow, maybe even the next but I will become stronger because of it, I will learn a lesson from it all. At the age of 31 I will not allow someone to hurt me like this and for what? Nothing at all. I have tried to be there for him in every way I can and I get nothing in return. I have led a very messed up life at times and yes I am getting the hint now, I am seeing all the signs and realizing who I will not be in the rest of my life. God has given me another day to bring things to light. I appreciate all the blessings in my life and now I will deal with this pain and move on but move on smarter tomorrow than today.

Until next time Love YOU more than anyone else, because YOU are whats the most important.