Not Changing

Ok so once again I havent been writing. Its not because I don't have anything to write about its simply because there is so much going on I wouldnt even know where to start. Things are good in life right now, they arent perfect but I am far from complaining about anything. I am feeling happy and I love this feeling. I don't do much in my daily activities I just wake up take care of the kids and do my best to provide for them. Recently (because I am not working) I have had some possible job opportunities but they are in CT. I have had this battle before when I took a job in CT and it wasnt good for me but I am not going to go into that one because that isnt what brought me to the blog today. I am feeling a little off this Sunday so I am going to kinda express somethings without expressing everything.
I love being a mother, while it has its points where you want to kill yourself I truly love being Mommy to 4 children. There is never a time where I am alone, never a time where I question life, never a full day of sadness when they are happy. No matter what I am doing or how I am feeling their life still continues and that pushes my life along. I personally didnt have the best childhood but my mother did everything in her power to just make me smile. I am working on the same things for my children. Their life hasnt been half as hard as mine yet they have been through some things I wish I could change and am working on that change now. One thing I know about me is I know how to be a mom but I don't know much about being a girlfriend and that causes problems in some of my relationships. I will always stress the fact that my children are number 1, I am number 2, and she (whoever she is) is number 3. Its hard for women without children to understand this and yet they tell you they do when it comes down to it they truly don't. I feel like the only women who truly understand it are women who are always in relationships with women who have children. I have recently had to battle about the "what kind of mother I am" and this is a battle everyone stands to lose in because I am not changing how I am or who I am with my children for anyone, if I did, I would be less of a mother. If a person cant respect my decisions about things concerning my children then truly....fuck it. That may sound harsh but any parent out there who puts their mate before their children can go to hell. My children didnt ask for this life, I did, I chose to bring my children here in this fucked up world so I need to do everything in my power to make the best of it. I can't sit on the fucking phone hours and hours, I can't text all day, I can't be all up under you when they are here. The hardest thing for me is that when I tell women what kind of clingy parent I am they say "Oh thats great I respect that" its all bullshit when it comes down to you needing me and them needing me im always gonna pick them and thats where the battle comes in. Now i am never going to question what I should do or shouldnt do because I am always going to be a mother regardless of what you are going through but it does come to a point where you will be upset with me and I will tell you to kiss my ass and then you will be mad. I am tired of going through shit like this. I am tired of defending my parenting, I am tired of being told what I should do as a mom and how I should make time. When this happens I am at a FUCK YOU point in the relationship. I am really writing this blog for all the parents who attempt relationships. No one and I mean no one is more important than you children and if anyone ever wants to be before them, even just one time please please tell them to kiss your ass youre not changing anything and if they cant respect that then they dont need to be in your life. So this it for me right here....dont like way I parent, you need to excuse yourself from my life....NOW.

until next time.........

Unclear

Ok this isnt going to be a long one (at least I hope not) I have been sad every since 11:55 this morning and I have played things over and over in my head trying to figure out what it was. I have played with a few ideas yet nothing is making me feel better with this whole thing. I can't say I am in denial but I have to say this is weird to me. I honestly thought my period was coming on because I am so emotional and thats weird for me. Well as you all know Tyrone was here and he left today. I expected to cry when he left but I didnt expect to cry all damn day and thats what I have done, my agitation level is high and I am just uncomfortable. I didnt talk to him all day because after his flight he had a lot to do cause he has to work tomorrow and I had to go pick the kids up so we both were busy and just now I got a phone call from him and I feel better but still sad. Tyrone is a wonderful person, its rare you can stay connected to someone for almost 21 years we litterally became friends when I was 11 until now and I am 32. Time from time we would lose touch for a month or so but then we get right back to how we have always been. I always looked at him as family, so many nights looking to him for protection and comfort. Now as I am writing this blog I am seeing that I am sad because he is gone. I spent most of my life fightin men and now...he is the one man that makes me feel safe. I am not going to go off the deep end with this one but truly he showed me that I will be ok with help, I will be just fine. He is amazing to me, he has given me something amazing and thats unconditional friendship and I truly love him for that. I will miss him truly but I will always look to him as I have for the past 21 years. I will lay tonight wishing he was here to protect me from all the bad but at the same time I know I am ok and I will make it. I am playing with a few ideas right now but I will give it to God and say no more, God will always lead me in the right direction as long as I allow him to guide me. Ok I am going to cry and cry some more but at the end of the day I will be just fine.

Goodnight

Its all so clear to me now

So its about 8 something in the morning on Saturday and last night was fun and interesting. I am always one to blog about life and things that make me come to terms with who I am and something happened last night that I want to talk about. Its going to take me a while to get down to what the real thing that happened was but I am going to get there. So I have a hard time with life sometimes and I am working on so many things all at one time and it gets hard but it gets so much easier once I build an understanding of things that are going on with me now. Ok let me try to put it into terms that people can understand. I had a hard life growing up abuse of every kind and just shit that its still hard for me to deal with even today. I am an adult now but I would be a lie if I said what happened in my past doesnt still effect the things and choices I make today. I thought about a lot of things last night and this morning and thats why I am here now with this blog. Women in my position tend to seek out some sort of outlet when it comes to what they have been through and I think I had chosen mine but there are still somethings I dont understand, one came very clear to me. Last night I was talking to Tyrone he has been my friend since I was 11 we spent countless days together chilling, vibing and just building and understanding for eachother. The one thing that now we are adults we talked about how life has changed for us and yet how our mentals have stayed the same and no one seems to understand us as a person. I value him so much more now than I ever have. Me being a lesbian has changed my life in a few ways but not many the one thing I am always insecure about is how men approach lesbians because they always see us a threat, Tyrone is someone who has always understood me and respected me as a person. Last night I found out he sleeps for 2 hours a night, the reason why I picked this to talk about is being I too have suffered from the same thing for the same amount of time something happened in our lives to make us uncomfortalbe with sleeping and thats bad becuase your mind can run so much when youre awake your mind needs that time to rest. I can openly admit that I take medication to help me sleep and have been on meds for a very long time. I said that I wouldnt take meds this weekend because if he is up then I am going to be up with him. (now here is where I am being 100% honest regardless how people feel about it) We were sitting on the couch watching tv and we both were getting kind of tired so we went and got in the bed, he put his arm around me and held me and I went to sleep....we both woke up around the same time and smiled and went on about our morning. For me that makes so many things come clear to me, I remember when I was younger I would go over his house while he was sleeping climb in his bed and just sleep because unlike at my house I was safe there, there wasnt anyone to come to my door or my bed at 2 or 3 am, I could actually sleep through the night undisturbed, he would even get up and go to work and leave me sleeping. I now see that I find comfort in him because he is my protector, my rock. I love him more than I can even imgagine. When you find someone that you are whole with its an amazing feeling and right now I feel ok, I am not thinking about how horrible my father is, I am not thinking about what my father is doing right now, I am actually comfortable with talking about my mom without crying good or bad, he remembers my moms voice and that touches me. I am complete. Now for all the questionable people that will read this if you know me...then you know Tyrone is my brother (in heart) and God sent him here right now for a reason. I have to realize I can't change what has happened to me or what I am going through because of it but at the end of the day I will be ok, God will see me through, and when I feel like things arent going right he will send someone in my path to make things much more clear to me. This blog is for Ty I love you forever you have been amazing to me and I will never let you go again. Ok now imma go make him breakfast lmaoooooo he been waiting all morning lol.

My girlfriend

Ok I dont blog about my girl too much because really its not what my blogs are about but today I have to speak out. I have been in many relationships well thats a lie I have been in about 3 what I would call relationships. While I have slept with women there arent many women I would claim as my girl. No matter how long I may be fucking a certain someone that doesnt make her my girl. Now I am not saying I am all this and that and I dont claim girls I just don't see myself walking around saying "yea this my girl and oh this is my girl" thats not my style. Ok let me get back to the subject. So anyway me and my girl have been together for about 10 months now and its been rocky like really being our relationship started off as a lie its been hard. I was actually in a relationship with another women when I started dealing with my girl, and I also had something going on with another female at the time also needless to say I was doing way too much. I lost a lot in the process but today I am a better person because of it. I have learned a lot about how to treat people and what to do and not to do when you care about someone. I never really knew how to value someones worth and pay attention to all they put into me. I am taking the time to see what she is to me and what she means and what changes she has made for me. I'm not going to sit here and de-value my most recent ex and what she did for me and my kids but I can't focus on that now because that is truly my past (for more reasons than one) My current girlfriends name is Mo aka Morgen aka Djefsclusive. Let me take a min to talk about her and her changes and then what they mean to me. This woman is the very very very very young (lol) age os 23 and when I first met her she was 16 and I couldnt get down with her at that time but some how we crossed paths again and while she was still immature her sex was oommmggg and then the icing on the cake was when she read one of her english papers to me and I knew then she had an amazing amount of potential I just had to pull it out of her. She started this relationship off not working, mixing music and smoking weed. I am ok with the music but the not working and smoking is something I dont deal with. I myself am a non smoker (for reasons I will talk about later) and after many conversations she has stopped for the love of me, she also gave up her music so that she could stay home and take care of my children, she has now found a fulltime job so that I don't have to work because the last position I held was stressful on my body and mind. She has done some amazing things for me and mine and I cant continue to look past it. People have asked me what I see in her and I have to say she is amazing. She has chosen to give up a life of being young and messing around to truly being a family man, taking care of me and the kids in more ways than one. The most recent thing (as if she hasnt done enough ) was my GPS was stolen out of my car, and my cell phone too so today I get a phone call saying she got something for me and I thought it was a new earpeice for my phone and she sends me a pic of the Garmon GPS with the bluetooth like OMG I am too excited. She is truly the shit I appreciate her in so many ways. Now our relationship is far from perfect we are still working out the kinks but this relationship like no other is upfront. We are both aware that one day we may leave eachother but we ask for honesty and while its hard...and I am not the most honest person I am truly working on it because she is wiling to take my honesty and understand. I love her...I do and I wont deny that to anyone. She is my all........thank you baby aka Mo Mo aka Daddi. Ok I am done, imma go to bed with no one but her on my mind. Now ummm Mo dont make me read this in the near future and hate you lmao stay on ya shit man..you are doing great I am very proud of you. Muah.

Hey hey Hey now

Well I havent written in like...a week? lmao who knows. I havent had much to say these days just been taking some time to think things through and find out where I want to go with life these days. The good think about life and God is that you are given the opportunity to make changes as you see fit. Once life ends thats when you have no more choices so for now I will take advantage of all choices given in my life. My new thing I am happy about today is that my friend is coming up from out of town Friday til Monday. OMG first it was told to me they were coming but I was like nah cant be cause I thought I was going to see em in December but wow friday so soon I have so much to do to get ready and the kids father is gonna keep em so me and my friend can bond...wow...NO WORDS...im feeling so happy and i know this week is gonna go by fast im nervous cant lie but at the same time im feeling good..ok...its late i gotta shower and hit the bed..nii nii blogger.

Not much to say these days

So I think I have been kinda quiet about things because there isnt really much to talk about. Life is what it is these days. Things are still kinda strange and I think a lot but for the most part things are ok. I have to say its kinda weird living alone again....well alone without another adult. I have always lived with my children but once I moved to RI I have lived with another adult and this is the first time I am actually living alone. There are goods and bads to it and neither one of them outweighs the other it just is what it is. Like the one bad thing is that there is no one to talk to lol and anyone who knows me knows I am a talker. I talk to the kids all the time but there is no real adult conversation here so I go online and hit craigslist or facebook and see whats going on in the world lol. Um another thing is when you come home and no one is there you kinda look around to see if things have been moved...um maybe thats just me *shrug* I guess there are up sides and downsides to every situation depending on how you look at it. Right now I am sitting here watching tv with the boys waiting for food to be done and its quiet besides the cartoons on tv but mentally relaxing. Time will tell as far as where life leads me in the near future but for right now I am going to enjoy what there is to enjoy. Ok gotta go.....