Coming to terms with it.....

Something has been on my mind and my heart for a while now and yesterday I think I came to a point where I just realized my feelings aren't going to change I just have to allow myself to feel and deal the way I see fit. I have had this battle about loving my father all my life. I can truly consider him the devil because of who he was during my childhood and most of my adult hood but through it all I have always loved him even when I wanted to hate him. There were days when I hated him just as much as I loved him, Now so much time has passed since things have happened I guess I now love him more than I hate him. Its not that I feel like he has changed I just feel like I am not in a position to be hurt by his actions (too mcch)
Now I speak to him a little more than I used to but not too much because i don't want to find myself vouneralbe. Yesterday I was talking to him becasue I haven't spoken to him since Christmas and for some reason he wanted to tell me what he wanted me to do with his things once he has passed away. It was a weird conversation because my father is someone who I feel will never die. sounds weird but its true.
When I was 3 years old my mother and father were both told they had HIV, I didn't find out until I was 17 because my parents felt I couldn't handle it amongst all the other things that was going on in my life and they were right. When I was 23 my mom passed away from aids complicated infections regardless of the millions of meeds she was taking every day and all the scheduled drs apps she still passed. Now my father who refused to believe he had the virus then went on to never being on meeds until I took him to the dr when I was about 26 and him being in ICU 4 times is still alive and well. He lives in a disabled home and doesn't work but hell he has never held a job longer than 3 months so that doesn't matter. Looking at my father you wouldn't know anything was wrong with him, at times I resent him still being here and my mother being gone but I have come to terms with it all at this point. I now make the choice to love my father and actually spend time with him, not because he is going to die but simply because thats what I need in my life. I am a seeker of love and affection as I get older I require more and more of it and with the kids getting older and doing more things with their friends mommy isn't their first and every thought anymore so now I have to find things that fulfill my heart. Maybe this will, who knows.....I swear this is the worst level of pms ever because I am so emotional. Anyway I have come to terms with a lot ....this is just one of many.

The new year begins......soon

I figured I haven't written in a while so no time like now to kind of put a few thoughts out there about this year. This year started off rocky just like most of my new years do, I had an idea of what I expected from myself and wanted to meet a few goals but as the year went on I had to start being more realistic about what I wanted and what I needed from my life. I kinda started this year off with some drama between my ex and I due to me realizing she wasn't what I needed from life, she wasn't helping me move in the right direction she never has really. I am a strong person and do what I need to do but sometimes I can get side tracked and do things that make no sense at all so I had to get her out of my life also I was getting more serious about Cat, and that was a conflict because I didn't want to do the whole go from one to the other so Cat and I spent 10 months dating and then entered in a relationship when we were both ready. Since we have been in this relationship things have changed so drastically a change I never saw happening and that's the situation with the kids father. He has been a hindrance for such a long time and I have allowed him to be that to me because that's all I really knew, now things are so different and I love the direction things are going in. She saw he was taking advantage of my easy going ways, his never paying a dime in child support, his choosing what times and dates to see the kids, him having full control over the situation she stepped in talked to him, organized a meeting for all of us to come to a common ground so I am not always the one who has to bow down. I really feel comfortable where things are and as we are signing papers right now things are just looking that much better for all of us. I am amazed that she gave me the strenght and courage to do something I always talked about but never felt like I could. I am now in such a better mental space than I have been in more than 12 years and while I am the one that did it she gave me the strength and for that I am forever thankful. There is so much more to come this new year and I can't wait to get them going. She is my rock.....truly. I have also taken a step back and become a better parent not trying to be their friend but giving them structure and children need that and I love our relationship. I also have a new confidence that I feel inside me that I love. I am still growing and learning and I love that. For the first time I am not the same old Neeve yet the new Geneva that I have grown to love and appreciate. Tonight is important to me for many reasons, a new year with the woman I truly love. She is amazing...don't get me wrong things are perfect hell we still fuss and argue but I wouldn't give her up for all the M&M's in the world. Looking forward to spending a life time just as I am spending it now.

This year will start off as it never has before. Money in my pocket, money in the bank, kids healthy and happy, me as happy as I have ever been, being in love truly for the first time deeply in love with the woman of my dreams, loving life, loving myself, looking forward to a memorable year with high hopes that WE will accomplish together. I never saw this coming, but now that its here I don't see how I went without it. Love is something to be cherished something I will always keep focused on. Cat is an amazing woman, shame the women before me didnt see it but thats how I know God was saving her just for me.

Childhood Obesity.

I have been wanting to write about this issue since I heard something on the radio regarding Michelle Obamas plan to help the US with childhood obesity. Now I do understand this is a serious issue the US is now trying to take control of. From my knowledge children aren’t any bigger than they ever were. I do know that a lot of children’s bodies are maturing a lot faster than they were decades ago but I feel as though that’s because of all the steroids that farm owners put in their animals to make the meat bigger therefore are able to charge more per pound. I was thinking about what her proposal was. She stated she wants several restaurant’s to lower their sodium and offer more options as far as vegetables and fruits instead of the fried foods and all the things that are considered bad for grown-ups and children. She has proposed by all the major Food chains to follow her lead they will lower all their sodium by 20% over the next 10 years. A few of the restaurants are Olive Garden and Long Horn Steak house. My feeling about the whole thing she is going about this the wrong way. See I have children and 3 out of my 4 children are considered overweight. My daughter who is 14 is shaped like an 18year old, my son who is 10 looks 12 and one of my twins who is 6 looks 10. Now my youngest twin son is overweight and has been said to have an eating problem at his age and that’s something I am working on with him because I myself am overweight and know exactly how I got to where I am so my main focus with my children is to not allow them to go through what I am going through. When I was a child my parents limited my sugar intake the things I was able to eat was that of a child not of a grown up until I was old enough to make my own choices and I chose wrong. I don’t fee like the government should monitor the restaurants, because the ones they want to work with aren’t the problem. I feel as though they should lower the price of fruits and vegetables. I was in the store today and I noticed I can get a huge bag of chips for the whole family or buy 2 apples for the same price. Now that’s just not right. Where the problem is with the lower income families people who have children that want to snake and can run to their parents and say "Hey mom can I have a dollar" and we know what they are going to buy some type of junk food because in order for them to buy the fruit we would all like for them to have they would need more than just one dollar. I come from a time where parents are in control of their children and that’s how I have raised my children. I am in control of everything they eat so if I can honestly say my children are overweight it’s no one’s fault but my own. I have made several attempts at weight loss and it’s a battle for myself but because I battle with it doesn’t mean they should. My children are very active into sports. While we do have xbox 360, Wii (two of them) and have cell phones and various games these are things my children never even touch they would much rather go play outside on their scooters, bikes or just go out and throw the ball around. I didn’t get to play outside when I was a kid because my parents were so scared I was going to hurt myself but this is something I allow my children to do because I know I don’t always give them the best food options but I am aware of the problem and will continue to work hard on it for their best interest. Today I went to the gym and all that kept ringing through my mind is my daughter saying “Mommy you have to lose weight because I want you here to baby sit your grandkids” that was too cute because she doesn’t plan on having kids until she is 35 that would make me 55 and she is going to expect me to run after her kids lol. Point here is instead of the president working on food chain help us with the price of fruits and veggies, no reason for a bag of chips to cost less than 2 apples.

Its been a while

Hello world, I havent been blogging and as my readers know I stop for a few months but I always come back. I have been working on myself at this point because I wasnt happy with what I was seeing so it was time to make some adjusments. The one thing I have always complained about was my weight but never really invested the time to work on it and recently I became more serious than I have been and have lost a total of 16pounds and its a slow and steady loss and I am proud of myself. On friday I am going to begin a weight loss blog but it will be private for a little while just for those I know personally to read because I will be posting pictures and things like that so I am not quite ready for the world to read it yet but in time I will. I have been reflecting on my life and where is has gone and where I want it to be in the next few years and I am ready to start taking all the right steps in life. I feel like I finally have control of my life and its time to start doing something with the control instead of just knowing its there. I am re-entering school in the fall and I will push myself as hard as I can because I have been wanting a degree in accounting for years now and am only 2 semesters away from having it, why waste the time and money I already have and not go for it. Plus I want to be something the kids can be proud of. Lets see what else is going on? Well not much, just taking life one day at a time thats the best thing I can do. I had a few mins during break to say a few things now I am going to go back and finish out the day. See you guys soon....until next time.

Dear John

Consider this a dear John letter of some sort, something to put things into perspective for you, help you to understand completely where I am coming from so there is no confusion. The past few years have been cool but now its time to come back to reality, guess it was like an amusement park while the rides are fun and sometimes scary the park does close, taking the ride home is exhausting yet you know the next day its time for work so you want to rest up so you can make sure you’re job is done to the best of your ability. Well now I’m back home, rides are over, fun food and games are over now I am back to who I have always been you just don’t appreciate it.
Let me start from the beginning. See you were just supposed to be a “jump off” someone to occupy my time on my rides from RI to Stamford, you were what I wasn’t getting at home and that’s the wild sex, the exciting times. You gave me the sex I once craved that grimey, dirty, no boundaries sex, you were able to make me forget all my pain because like acupuncture you gave me a different kind of pain that masked my life’s hurt. You were everything I needed at that time but see they say you can’t turn a hoe into a house wife and that’s what I did with you. So many people warned me trying to make you my wife was the wrong idea….I claimed they didn’t know you like I did but did I really know you? I knew you weren’t much of an adult, I knew you never really had a life, I knew you made my body forget my mind existed and that was the wrong thing. I spent time in my thoughts figuring out how I was going to make you fit inside my life knowing all the long you would never be that perfect puzzle piece because what you became was an foster child to me, someone who I cared for but never would be naturally mind, and would eventually be letting go back to its real mother.
I mended you, molded you into exactly what I wanted and needed at that time, I taught you how to care for children, how to take care of yourself and most important I taught you how to deal with me and you did that so well, but again like my children you understand and respect me but dare not cross me for fear of repercussion. Taking control of you wasn’t hard at all because you had no spine no will, no backbone I loved that about you because I knew you would do as I say when I say.
You bring up the fact I am a user…..maybe I used you but see my ex in RI told you, warned you, my ex in TN also made you aware what kind of beast I could be…even the one here in CT gave you notification of my ways. Hell you knew me before all of them and yet in still you tried to step into my world so to me you may have used me to become the “man” you are today so lets not fight or argue about it, lets not shed tears of pain and regret lets just move on. Youre a better person for it, im a better person for it. WE learned a lot….not lets grow apart.
See im in a place where I see the error of my ways. I cant make a person into what I want they have to already appeal to me naturally. I took you from the weed smoking, the internet whoring, the random late not convos with young girls, the running here and there chasing drugs. I took you from all the things that didn’t matter but now that you are no longer a part of me you have resorted right back to it. I see you going back to your ways of nothing so I hope some good person can come into your life and get you back on track but that person wont be me. See I was your foster mother and now youre someone I once held in my heart but have to let go because its not longer my concern. I see you aren’t changing into the man you once were yet simply the boy you were when we met.
I wish you well on your journey to wherever, if it be nowhere…have fun, if its somewhere think back to who I am and in my mind…thank me. I have moved on to something bigger and better than you could ever be. That’s not me being mean that’s just be being brutally honest. Our paths crossed and the road has turned. I am now better and on a journey to grow and regain the strength I once had. Take care of yourself I wish you well……

I was once a black widow spider but SHE removed my venom I owe her a thank you for being who are you to me, coming into my life like a well built house. Already put together, great foundation, nice siding, rooms already painted in my favorite colors, furniture to fit all of our needs, beautiful patio with a deck, huge swimming pool a place for the kids to play, a yard for the door perfect white picket fence and even a something special for me a beautiful huge master bedroom with an M&M rug…yes you are perfect just for me. She is a part of my past you were meant to be my future, I was made for you…and you are here for me.

Does it start how it ends

So I know i have talked about being move involved with my blog and trying to update more often but really with the way my life is going its not that I don't have time to blog its more that I don't have the interest to sit down and talk about things so i just continue on knowing I will do an update sooner or later. I like blogging when I have something specific to talk about instead of just ranting on and on like I have seen on some blogs that leads to losing your readers so now that's its a new year I figure I would do some kind of update on life and where things are. So here goes.

Today is Jan 1st 2011 and I am sitting at the desk thinking about how the last year went and all its up and downs and where life is now and where I would like for it to be by the next year. They say you never will know where you are going until you know where you came from so instead of looking back way into my past I will just look into the past year and see what I can change and what my goal and determinations will be for this year. Right now i feel so focused and want to move on past the negative and get to the things that truly matter so this may be a long one while I sit and go back to all the events and kinds of go full circle and see what can be done differ net this year.

Jan of 2010 I was in a horrible place in life trying to make moves and quick. I had lost litterly everything that meant something to me and for a lot of reasons I cant go into what I had lost here but anyone who has followed my life knows what was going on and at that time I felt like I was on a time schedule where i had to make moves really quick and me moving quick is asking for disaster to occur and it did. I knew what needed to be done but had no way of knowing how the hell to get there so I made a lot of wrong moves but all in the right direction. In the process of making moves I landed a job at Verizon and was in the process of moving back to CT where I have always felt like home was every since I moved to RI so I worked hard at coming back here stopping at nothing to make it happen overnight and again that's where i mess up. All in all I did what I set out to do and that's regain my family, get a job in ct and also get a new apartment. That was all completed by April and I felt like things were going in the right direction and then the summer time hit and I realized i moved into the worst area of town and then I spent everyday trying to move and figure out why things were going so wrong when all I wanted was the right things in life. I prayed and prayed and asked for help in life and what I didn't have was patients that's something i have always lacked in life and that led to a lot of nights being upset and wondering why I was back at square one again. A lot of praying and planning led me to move into an amazing 4bedroom condo, and with the assistance of a friend I was able to continue working, put the children in great schools and have the support of friends and a nice place. At the very end of this year I met someone who was very different from anyone i had ever known before and really its was a strange occurrence because of the way we met and now its an instant friendship. I really look up to her and her way of life, she has a lot of knowledge and wisdom I take her words seriously and her advice means a lot to me. See where I have always went wrong is because I have such a strong personality I tend not to listen to other people because I always feel like there advice is bias and they have something to gain from trying to help me but she really has nothing to gain except trying to help someone she cares about and that's a great thing. I now have an understanding of what I would like to do different this year and that's simply spend more time planning things instead of just jumping and doing things, spend more time thinking than doing, also school starts in a few weeks and i feel I'm always my strongest when i am doing what i do best and thetas learning and working on being in a better financial place.

The one thing I have learned this year is to love me....and those around me...never use or abuse the ones you love and care for, treat everyone with respect and understanding.

Right now I know in life I will succeed I just hope I have a wonderful woman to share this experience with......time will tell.

God bless

Us...Over????

So I have someone that I kinda go to to ask what I should blog about because there are times I feel the need to blog but not sure what subject I want to stay on. The subject today is What you feel about right how..this seperation. How hard is it for me or how if I feel anything.

I will start by saying that me and Mo recently broke up: I am sure some of my readers who are following me on twitter or facebook already know but for those of you who don’t yes we broke up. Why did we break up??? Maybe somewhere in this blog I will say why or just stay on the subject at hand. How hard is it for me? Its hard beacause as everyone knows I have 4 children at home who have come to know and love her for all that she is and or isnt, that have learned to accept her as part of the family and it took almost 2 years to get there but all in all they all love her. Everyday when they see me the first question they ask is "Where is Mo?" as the days go on that question gets harder and harder because one day I wont be able to say "at work she will be home soon" because soon she wont be living with us anymore. Its hard being a single parent of 4 but when I chose to have my children I was single so now going back to it will be hard but it can be done. I truly appreciate all Mo has been to our lives and I don’t expect her to be completely gone at this point. Her and I have a mutual understanding of what needs to be done and I wont talk about it here but we both know whats going on and if things stay focused everything will work out for everyone. Other than just talking about the kids I am sure it wants to be known if I will miss her and to answer honestly yes. She has been a great person in my life doing any and everything needed in this relationship and for the reasons I wont go into we were not able to make it work yet we still will remain friends. The difference between any of my other exes and her is that we arent breaking up because I cheated or did something outside of this relationship so its something we can manage. I do feel for everyone in this situation but as all things in life I am looking forward to an amazing year. I have some really great people in my life right now and I love them so they will be there for me when times get hard. I will always love Mo for who she has become for me and I will continue to watch over her in her journey through life. At this point I have met the most amazing individual (no she isnt my rebound) and she has a lot of wisdom and she is now my rock, she answers every text, every phone call, ever knock on the door and I love her for it…I am blessed to have her. God has blessed me with some amazing people I just hope I can be just as amazing for them. I have learned how to treat a woman, I have learned not to lie or cheat, just to take care of and love her with all I have. …..Does that answer the question?