Coming to terms with it.....

Something has been on my mind and my heart for a while now and yesterday I think I came to a point where I just realized my feelings aren't going to change I just have to allow myself to feel and deal the way I see fit. I have had this battle about loving my father all my life. I can truly consider him the devil because of who he was during my childhood and most of my adult hood but through it all I have always loved him even when I wanted to hate him. There were days when I hated him just as much as I loved him, Now so much time has passed since things have happened I guess I now love him more than I hate him. Its not that I feel like he has changed I just feel like I am not in a position to be hurt by his actions (too mcch)
Now I speak to him a little more than I used to but not too much because i don't want to find myself vouneralbe. Yesterday I was talking to him becasue I haven't spoken to him since Christmas and for some reason he wanted to tell me what he wanted me to do with his things once he has passed away. It was a weird conversation because my father is someone who I feel will never die. sounds weird but its true.
When I was 3 years old my mother and father were both told they had HIV, I didn't find out until I was 17 because my parents felt I couldn't handle it amongst all the other things that was going on in my life and they were right. When I was 23 my mom passed away from aids complicated infections regardless of the millions of meeds she was taking every day and all the scheduled drs apps she still passed. Now my father who refused to believe he had the virus then went on to never being on meeds until I took him to the dr when I was about 26 and him being in ICU 4 times is still alive and well. He lives in a disabled home and doesn't work but hell he has never held a job longer than 3 months so that doesn't matter. Looking at my father you wouldn't know anything was wrong with him, at times I resent him still being here and my mother being gone but I have come to terms with it all at this point. I now make the choice to love my father and actually spend time with him, not because he is going to die but simply because thats what I need in my life. I am a seeker of love and affection as I get older I require more and more of it and with the kids getting older and doing more things with their friends mommy isn't their first and every thought anymore so now I have to find things that fulfill my heart. Maybe this will, who knows.....I swear this is the worst level of pms ever because I am so emotional. Anyway I have come to terms with a lot ....this is just one of many.