Sigh

I can say I blog for two reasons. one is to just get my thoughts and ideas out and when i go back and read them it helps me and to help others. There are people who read my blog and come to me expressing how they are going through or feeling the same things and appreciate the fact that I dont hide it I actually take the time to express whats going on in my life. Today has been the hardest day of this year so far. Last night I had a dream about my mom and this dream felt so damn real to me we were actually doing stuff around the house and everything was as it used to be. Waking up and realizing she is still gone did something horrible to me mentally and physically. I spent the entire day laying around thinking about her crying for her wishing she was here. While I do understand why she is gone and its best for her it doesnt stop the hurt that I feel on a daily basis. Alot of days its easy I speak to her tell her I love her and miss her and then a day like this comes and I honestly just want to die so I can be closer to her. Now I am not going to kill myself or anything like that I just want to be near her, talk to her, spend time with her again like we used to. Sometimes my phone rings and I think its her or I go to my phone wanting to call her yet I realize she isnt here with me on earth anymore. Today drained me in so many ways. I got a few texts and imz I responded to one or two but mosetly I kept to myself. I am so sad its crazy but I will come out of it. I am going to go see her Sunday, thats going to be hard but maybe thats what I need to do, i havent been in a while so its time now to go. Losing her has been the hardest thing ever in my current life. Having my father still here and not being able to talk to him because he is a complete jerk makes it that much harder. I spent today wondering why she is gone and he is here and what I came up with was....She was too good for this earth and he is here still suffering. I need to do everything within my power to remain here and healthy for my children i am all they have at this point and i have to keep going if not for myself then for them. I love them with all my heart and for them...my life will continue.

Until next time......

Lifes changes

Today I received a call from my cousin telling me some disturbing news. My uncle is missing.....thats so weird to hear and even type because my family has been through so much. My grandma had 6 children and has already had two of them pass to think of something happening to my uncle is horrible. He hasnt been seen since the weekend and someone found his cell phone in a weird place. No matter what happens in my uncles life he always keeps in touch with my grandma he goes over her house everyday and calls her at least 3 times a day so him being gone this long and he cell phone just turning up in a random place leaves my family and I to think the worse. I will continue to pray until he returns home....God willing he will return home. The missing persons report has already been filed yet no word. I am scared for him and my family...we will remain strong and continue to pray. Also I just found out my cousin is doing hard time in jail...this is weighing heavily on my grandma I feel so bad for her. I dont talk much about my extended family because we have had our differences but at the end of the day they love me and I love them and when they hurt so do I. I miss my mother so much when it comes to family issues but sometimes its best she isnt here to see what they are going through because my mom took everything so hard. Ok I am going to pray and make dinner for the kids. Kiss your love ones tell them you love them never let drama or craziness take you away from the ones you truly love no matter how hard the battle is one thing you must know anything truly worth having is worth working hard for. its not going to be easy but in the end you will sit on your porch looking at your white picket fence old and grey and laugh about the hard times taking moment to appreciate them.

Until next time

why im me and you're you

I am sitting up in my bed trying to organize some music because the cable guy has been here all day and there isnt much you can do when someone is in your house. I cleaned up everything earlier this morning so this is all that’s left to keep occupied because I can’t even leave the house. Anyway so out of boredom and frustration I have come to the blog to express some things. I had a conversation today that didn’t go the way I thought it would, when I first made the phone call I kinda thought it was going to be a pleasant update of whats going on in their lives but it turned ugly really fast. Now I am used to our convos not going the way it should but now its seems like I was being put on the chopping block for being…”Neeve” and now I will take the time to address the issues brought to me.
I was told that I am very wishy washy and I make people conform to my lifestyle and if they cant fit in then they wont be in and I don’t compromise. I feel like this ‘get in where you fit in” and the reason I feel that way is because I am not going to spend my life changing who I am and what I am about for the next person who could be there today and gone tomorrow. I wont and do not plan on dedicating my life to an individual. I have chosen to dedicate my life to my children and those are the only people I feel are deserving of dedication. Now I do believe in relationships but at the same time people are going to be people and I will be damned if I let the next persons love for me or lack of love control my moods or emotions. I keep myself safe from harm and heartache as much as possible. I heard about how I wake up one day wanting to be a stud and the next wanting to be femme and I have a identity problem. I don’t have a problem at all with who I am I have a problem with people who have a problem with who I am. If I want to put on baggy jeans today and a tight ass shirt tomorrow then that’s what I am going to do because as a lesbian its not the clothes I wear its my personality and that never changes. I am me because God made me this way and my upbringing had a lot to do with it. I have been through a lot in my years and will continue to go through things but I don’t like being judged by my outside apprearance. The one thing that is right that the person was talking about is if its not my way then be gone. The reason I am this way is so many people spend so much time unhappy with the person they chose as a mate that they never find true happiness. They submit to the first person who shows some kind of interest and then settle. I will be damned if I settle for anything, I want what and who I want and that’s what I will have…all or nothing. I was thinking about this persons like and where they are now and really its amazing how they can come at me about who I am when I am in a very good, happy, comforable place in my life. See I have watched them be hurt many many people, used, taken advantage, and beat mentally and why you ask…because they were looking for love. Now I am looking at where they are right now and yes working a nice job, living a finacially nice life but are they truly happy? Have they gotten all the world has to offer? Or are they hiding behind money and materialistic things? I say hiding. One can never be happy until you are content with yourself and your mind. Moving people in and out, pretending to play house when it’s in shambles, saying you love someone who has show that you mean nothing to them, going hard for someone who’s biggest concern is partying and drinking and having fun…like really come on now you cant be happy in that life, you cant really expect me to believe this is what you want. Now I am not sitting here trying to come down on anyone because life will continue but I am a person that believes get what you want from life and if someone other than you stands to benefit then great.
I have taken a close look at my relationship many times over the year her and I have been together and its really no different than any other one. She goes hard for me like they all have, she will walk to the end of the earth for me like they all have, the big differenence here is ME. I chose to appreciate her instead of disrespecting her over and over like I have all my exes. She didn’t change me…let me respeat SHE DIDN’T CHANGE ME.. I changed me because of what I did to others in my past. You cant go on in life like that. I truly wish I had changed over a year ago and things would have been different but I thank god for allowing me to have the strength to change because some female would have ended up killing me. I am not perfect hell I cheated on my girl more than once that’s a mistake I have chosen not to make again. I realized it takes a lot of power to cheat but it takes a lot of heart not to and its so pointless…shit what came out of it, not a damn thing. So all is this to say I am happy, blessed, and looking forward to a wonderful year with my children, family, friends, co-workers, and my girlfriend. I may not have the same friends next year, or the same co-workers or the same girlfriend but I will have my children and my family and I will have ME and love me until I die. If you don’t know how to love you, how the fuck can I? Show me you are a WOMAN who is out to please her offspring and not just someone who wants a relationship and a social life then maybe one day we can sit down and discuss the future. Ok guys that’s all for now and oh feeling a way about this blog is pointless I said what I said….nothing else to it

Until next time……